“Lovingly, Papa”

I cried a bucket or two, listening to Prakash Padukone’s daughter read out his letter to her. She’s a Bollywood star and I’m nobody, so it sounds like an aspirational thing to say that I relate to her, but really, somewhere, she’s also just a daughter, and in that capacity, I could identify so much with her as she read out this letter.

Growing up, I didn’t have half the freedom I thought I deserved. My dad has always been very loving, and mom was the relatively strict one, but both were totally in sync when it came to dishing out life lessons and instilling values firmly. Parts of their strictness I understand now, with some maturity, and there are parts I still disagree with, and would probably do differently as a parent — not that it guarantees that my future kids will agree with my parenting style.

But here’s what I’ve learnt — it’s not necessary to be the “nice” parent, or the “cool” parent. Especially when we’re young, we need some tough love from time to time, and there’s nobody better to receive it from than your own family, because in the outside world, there’s often no love, just tough situations.

It’s hard to see the importance of these little lessons in the moment, but looking back, I realize the value of my mother making it a rule to have no left over food on the plate, or to pick up your own plate after a meal, or to get your school uniform ready yourself the previous night.

My family is social beyond measure and we’ve always had relatives and friends dropping by without so much as informing, we’ve had people staying at home for weeks at a stretch, and like Deepika says in the video, my siblings and I used to sleep on the floor in the living room when the rooms were taken up by the guests. While, to a self-absorbed teenager, it was a mild annoyance, that kind of an environment, and my parents’ insistence on 24x7 politeness and courtesy, has made me so much more accommodating than I’d be otherwise. In fact, I’ve grown to love having a lot of people over, and I think my history of extreme socialization has made me a better person to be around as well.

I grew up with the rules a typical Indian family would impose on their kids in the 90s — no late nights or sleepovers, no boyfriends, and limits on the frequency of outings with friends and time on the phone. Today, at 24, I’ve had late nights and sleepovers, I have a boyfriend and nobody questions how often I meet my friends or controls my usage of the phone, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yet, in a strange way that I can’t quite explain, I am convinced that the restrictions placed on me in my growing up years have helped me get my priorities straight.

Again, like Deepika, amidst massive parental concerns, I moved to Mumbai at the age of 18. Living alone, I suddenly had all the freedom I could ever ask for, and I’m sure my family was worried about what I’d do with it, but I think they have only themselves to credit for the fact that I turned out alright, even after 6 years of living alone, away from home.

Of course I used my freedom — mostly in ways that were acceptable to my family, and sometimes in ways that may not have been, but even in retrospect, I wouldn’t want to do anything differently. Every choice and experience has contributed to my understanding of the world and its people, and most importantly, myself.

To some extent, I think my family still finds it important for me to live by their beliefs, and while I differ from them here and belong more to the Prakash Padukone school of thought, which says — “live a life that is healthy, and one that will allow you to live with your own conscience — everything else is transient,” I have grown to understand and empathize with the reasons for their concerns. I do things their way sometimes, but it’s never because I’m obedient — I’m not — but because I try to be considerate. I’ve always felt that most Indian families, perhaps even my own, give too much importance to matters that I find petty, but as an adult, now, even though I still disagree, I understand that they mean well.

I wish I could say that I’ve been brought up perfectly and my family has encouraged every dream that I’ve had and given me wings, but that’s not true. The truth is that I have been denied certain things and I’ve had to deal with that. Still, given the background they come from, they’ve come a long, long way. Given the restrictions my siblings had, I could’ve never imagined living the independent life I live. It hasn’t always been easy, but the challenges have given me the motivation to build my own, strong wings.

While I can sit and analyze the ways in which my upbringing has been imperfect, I believe I’ve ended up with morals as strong as they get, I’m self-reliant, respectful, rooted and emotionally stable, I think through my life decisions fairly wisely, and I have utmost love and respect for my parents. I don’t see my mistakes and failures, however grave and however big, as the end of the world, but as opportunities to learn and grow. Pretty sure those would be some of my most important goals for my children, so I know that my parents did something right.

I’m 24 and I’ve read books and numerous articles on parenting, thought endlessly about the right thing to do in certain parent-child situations, seeing how people do it wrong and then dwelling on how I’d handle it if it were my kid, all in the hope of being the perfect mom someday, and I already know I’m going to fail at it — because parents aren’t here to be a textbook definition of perfect at all. Despite, and perhaps even through their imperfections, all the good parents basically just equip you to deal with your life in a healthy way. And if they’re the best parents, they also earn — and I mean earn, not demand — the truest of your love and the sincerest of your respect.

After my years away, I’ve been at home for the past few weeks, spending most of my time with my father, until I take off again in two months. He tells at least a few people everyday that he feels extremely blessed to have kids like my siblings and me, and tears up every single time. I make fun of him for being a sentimental fool, but lately, I’ve been quite the same.

I guess that explains the crying at the video and the teary eyes right now, as I think about how lucky I’ve been to have the parents I have.

BRB, I need a tissue.