New autumn — new year

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This autumn hit me strong. I was so ready to say “Goodbye!” to this hot and long summer. And then… baaaam! It’s 22nd of September.

I was really surprised. I suddenly found that I’m still longing for the long summer days. Wait, dear Summer, wait for me. I still want to go for long walks in the warm nights. I didn’t see the sea. Oh, the sea, my beloved sea. I only dreamed it. I still want to stay in the park and watch how grass is growing. Bear feet, almost no clothes… Everything is so light!

OK! I’ll manage this. Bye-bye Summer! Hello, graceful Autumn! I’ll try to be happy with all that rain.

Tomorrow my DD has a birthday. She’ll be 3! She’s pretending like “I’m big boy and my name is I-am-three!” It’s great fun. She wants to be like her brothers and wants to train Aikido. And still is so womanly and different.

Four days later is my birthday. I’ll be 32! It’s so distant to me. Thirty-two! Wow! That’s not me. I feel like I’m 26. I don’t know why 26, but it’s my favorite age. I feel so dissociated from my current age. I don’t feel like I’m old or that time goes too fast. May be age stopped to mean something for me when I was 26. I have to investigate this.

I want party, big chocolate cake and surprise presents on my birthday. In the same time this 5 days seem to me like a very long time. I didn’t plan my party. I still have love-hate relationship with celebrations. I want to feel good on the day. I want to have great day, but I don’t want to plan it. It scares me, so I pretend that everything is casual and nothing special is coming. Nope, I don’t have b-day, nope, it’s not Christmas Eve, just ordinary days. It’s hard sometimes! Especially when my kids want to celebrate and do special things.

I still feel the pressure from my family celebrations — so much drama, and arguments, and too much food made with frantic precision. When you’re kid you just need a little magic! Actually there was magic, but too weak to overcome the drama.

Ok! I promise, I’ll do my best to make my birthday as special as possible! Tomorrow will be special too! DD will be three and I’ll be her mother for this great three years! Her two brothers and her dad made surprise cake for her and there are surprise presents.

The preparation for tomorrow was almost perfect — no drama, little arguments and a lot of everyday magic. I feel it like great achievement!

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