Shut Up And Listen
I was walking down Grafton Street in Dublin a few years ago following Tom and Richard, a couple of local colleagues who were substantially swifter footed. And taller. They were debating whether they’d lost us slow Americans on the way to dinner when Richard declared, “They’re back about 10 meters.” Amazed, Tom asked, “How do you know? Do you have some kind of super power?” Tongue in cheek, the cleverer of the two retorted, “Super power? Nah, it’s just listening.” It’s just listening. I’m not so sure that there’s anything just about listening. I know I do a pretty poor job at it on the home front and see evidence of its lack throughout workplaces everywhere.
That said, it’s quite possible to be good at listening to your peers, your bosses, and to your staff. It’s not only possible, it’s something you should make a habit. Not just when you’re having a “difficult conversation,” but all the time.
The Dreaded “Active Listening”
For years, managers graded how effective I was with my “active listening skills” on quarterly and annual reviews. It wasn’t until I’d been a manager for a few years that I actually came to understand what this was. I mean sure, you could check out the disjointed Wikipedia definition. Any number of periodicals will run stories about the topic from time to time. But for me, it all came together when I was attending a training class at Aol called “Managing Conflict.” And yes, I did assume up front that it was going to be a giant waste of time.
Eddie was our facilitator. His argument was this: In any conversation in which people have two different viewpoints, there’s a good chance for conflict. Likewise there’s a level of emotional investment in any given conversation. If one person’s emotional investment exceeds a given threshold, that person is really not listening anymore. He’s just defending his position. Get far enough away from that threshold and to everyone else it looks like an argument. Nobody’s listening, everyone’s talking. Or yelling. I know, you’ve been there.
So. How do you unravel this sort of a mess? Can you even avoid getting into it in the first place? Short answer: if you’re being honest, you’re not going to avoid disagreeing. So then we’re back to the first question: how do we fix it? Eddie had the answer, and it broke down into six not-at-all-easy steps.
Step 1: Get on the Balcony
This metaphor was a new idea for me at the time and since then it’s been talked about a good bit. The key here is being able to detach yourself emotionally from the conversation as if you were standing on a balcony looking down at “yourself” having a conversation. Being able to do this successfully means you can turn a response like “the hell you say,” into “I can appreciate that perspective, even though I may not share it.” Moreover, this may well be the hardest part of the entire process.
There are two important things to keep in mind about this step.
First, even if you’re able to do this for one conversation… it doesn’t mean you’ll be able to do it for another. As conversation topics drift close to your strongly held opinions or beliefs, the balcony drifts farther and farther away. You may already be unhappy about something that happened during your day which could also make the balcony harder to reach.
One concept that I found helpful here is the notion that you control your own emotions. Other people don’t do that for you. The phrase “That guy really ticked me off” is really shorthand for “that guy did that thing I didn’t like and I allowed myself to get angry about it.” One particular hidden gem in the Manager Tools series of podcasts really makes this clear. If you’re interested, it’s a worthwhile listen.
Second, when you’ve made it to the balcony, the options really open up. You can deliver any message with a completely straight face. You can say, “that’s a good point,” or “that’s the most mentally insipid thing I’ve heard today,” with the exact same inflections. It’s like a superpower. And it’s up to you whether you use these powers for good, or for awesome. There’s an opportunity for manipulation in this and your ethical compass will need to guide you here.
Ultimately though, if you can’t get yourself to the balcony, you’re done.
Step 2: Say Your Piece
The heart of most disagreements is caused by two people wanting two different end states. I’ve had conversations with staff that started roughly “I don’t get paid enough,” and “I should be promoted.” It would have been easy to enter these conversations with the positions “Yeah you do,” and “No you shouldn’t,” respectively. And yet if my objective going into the conversation was to convince the person of that “fact,” I’d have “lost.”
If you can get on the balcony fast enough, you’re in a pretty good position to go into that conversation instead with the mindset, “Huh. I’m not sure I believe that, but maybe I’m wrong. Tell me more.” And at that point you have an opportunity to figure out whether the opening volley is the actual problem, or shorthand for a more significant underlying issue. You’ll also be able to quickly discover precisely why your initial reactions might have been so negative. Perhaps it has less to do with your not wanting to raise an employee’s salary or promote them — maybe you just fear convincing your boss that it’s worth it. Those are two different things.
This portion of the negotiation revolves best around interests, not positions. And the best resource I’ve found to provide an effective framework is called Getting to Yes.
Step 3: Shut Up and Listen
This part is pretty easy, conceptually. Yet if you haven’t developed this habit, you’re going to screw it up. Heck, sometimes I’m not paying attention, lack the energy, or I’m just not being careful and I screw it up. I still think Eddie underestimated how hard this part is in real life.
Literally stop talking.
Don’t interrupt. Don’t plan your response. Don’t think about similar experiences you’ve had. Don’t open your mouth like you have a response ready to fly. Don’t worry about whether you have something stuck in your teeth.
Instead, spend your time hanging on your conversation partner’s every word. Can you memorize what she’s saying? Your entire objective for this step is to be able to be in a position to summarize what you heard. Maintain appropriate eye contact and focus on being able to do just that.
The key reason why this step is so amazingly difficult for most of us is because what we’re listening to rarely has anything to do with what we want out of the conversation. Let’s say you’re the instigator with “I don’t get paid enough.” It’s pretty unlikely you’re listening to “Well golly gee, that’s terrible, let’s do something about that!” More likely your manager will throw something random at you like, “I came by your desk this morning to ask you a question and you weren’t even in yet.”
Guess what. This conversation is now about that. Not your salary. You’ll have to get back to your salary concerns later.
Step 4: Reflect
During our training class, Eddie asked us what people generally want to hear when they shared something upsetting. We guessed: a question to draw out more information, an empathic sharing of similar experiences, a related story to demonstrate listening, agreement, the phrase “that sucks,” and so on.
None of these things, Eddie argued. People want to know that they were heard. And for that, you need to tell them what they told you. His methodology for doing this was by using the phrase “So what you’re saying is,” followed by a summary of whatever was said. Based on my experiences over the past few years, that’s almost the right thing to do.
Reflecting what you’ve heard is the right next step. They way you do so, however, has to match your personality. It has to feel authentic. If the phrase “so what you’re saying is” comes off contrived, it won’t work. It will degrade the trust you’re trying to build through the conversation and at worst will be perceived as condescending. That said, I’ve seen that exact phrase used successfully by some people, so it really does depend on what you can pull off.
There are a few other styles of responses that may help here: (1) seriously seek a deeper understanding (“That’s interesting, do you mean to say that…”), (2) play stupid (“I didn’t eat my Wheaties this morning. Did you say…”), (3) play confused (“I don’t understand, do you mean…”). There are no doubt others. Pick one that fits your personality best.
Step 5: Get Your Yes
If you’re successful reflecting, you’ll get an affirmation from your conversation partner. It might just be a nod, but it’s usually something more emphatic. Why? Because it’s so rare that someone actually managed to demonstrate they were listening to you the whole time.
There’s a considerable amount of tension that goes out of a conversation at this point. Imagine a telephone game where at each turn you were allowed to ask the person who whispered into your ear: “Did you just say ‘I like eggs for breakfast?’” “Why yes. Yes I did.” I guarantee you with that extra step the telephone game would become very boring because messages would never get garbled. The opposite of this? Everyone’s workplace. And probably many homes too!
But wait. We’re not done with our conversation yet.
Step 6: Return to Your Interests
If you’ve managed to remove sufficient tension from your conversation, you may be able to return to what you really care about — what you brought up in Step 2. Then again, you may not. You may need a few cycles between Step 3 and 5 before you start talking about what you really care about. It may not even happen in the same day.
Right about now would be a great time to give you a step by step example. There are two problems with this: (1) Anything I put down here will either be exceptionally contrived because I made it up on the spot, or (2) it will reflect a real-life situation that delves into issues so personal I have no business sharing it here, despite the fact that I remember the conversation clearly. Instead, if your goal is to grow your skill in this area, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of some of the resources linked to in this article and practice with one or more supportive co-workers. You won’t get it right the first time. Or the second.
The Shape of Conflict Management
These are not short conversations. As an instigator, you have brief opportunities to bring up your concerns but spend substantially more time, at least early in the conversation, listening to your “opponent’s” dismissals, arguments, counter-concerns, and so on. And only one of you needs to be following this process to be successful.
While exhausting, these conversations can actually be extremely rewarding. A few years ago as a manager, I had to have one of those “well, I see only two outcomes here” conversations with a member of my team. She either needed to sign up for the challenge of changing a set of behaviors or find something else to do. Our conversation lasted over an hour and a half at a nearby Starbucks. By the end of it, I had a complete understanding of her perspective and we’d mutually agreed there were four potential paths forward — including potentially leaving the company.
Later that evening I typed it all up. She was flabbergasted that I was able to retain that level of detail. Now, as my friends will tell you, usually I can’t remember what someone said five minutes ago, let alone earlier in the day. But in this case because this approach requires that you pay such close attention, it sticks with you. Many of these conversations I remember years later. And in this case, as it turned out, we were able to keep her on board as part of the team in a different role. Not an outcome either of us foresaw going in.
Caveats
First, I may go so far to say: don’t try this at home. That’s not entirely a hard and fast rule, but caution is required. To be effective with this technique, it needs to be genuine. If you don’t truly want to reach a mutually successful outcome and fall instead for the traps of manipulation I describe above, those who know you best will see through the veneer of your attempt at this technique and shred you. Besides, when your spouse comes at you because you screwed up, they’re probably right and you probably know it. Or maybe that’s just at my house.
Second, this isn’t about empathy, it’s about understanding. I don’t advocate the use of a bunch of feeling words. This isn’t therapy. In a work environment you’ll want to focus on behaviors and their consequences.
Finally, this approach isn’t the right thing to do in all situations. Sometimes, you’ll need to show your emotions strongly. Other times, you had better interrupt if you want to be heard. Overall, though, I see these as exceptions.
The Bottom Line
This form of listening has utility well beyond high conflict situations. Good product managers use this technique innately to fully develop an understanding of customers’ needs. Successful project managers wield this technique to help engineers drive towards a reference architecture. Facilitators and therapists broker discussions around this framework to encourage successful communication.
Communication is integral to execution. Leaders must communicate their vision if organizations have any hope of achieving it. Managers have to help enable their teams to succeed. All of this requires communication, and the higher fidelity the better. When listening this attentively becomes your default, you’ll be amazed at where conversations take you.
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