22nd June – Study for midterm and called home to wish dad. Mom broke the news. It was indeed a very sad news and it was on father’s day. It was on Sunday
23rd June – Dad picked me up from Airport. I thought I was strong enough to break the news to him. But I just can’t. My tears through my cheek making Dad was curious what was it all about. I just can’t say it..Dad shed his tears!!! It was so hard.. Now I know why Mom kept the secret from all of us
1st July – Myself, Mom, Dad were in the room waiting in agony. Result has came out. Even the Doctor can’t even say the word until I have to force myself to say it. “So confirm its a breast cancer?” he nodded his head.. I can’t control myself. Again I cried.. but mom was so peaceful and I told myself that I have to stop crying and be strong for her. It was the worst day ever..
24th July – Mom had Mastectomy and Axilliary clearance. 3 hours waiting was like 3 years. Finally she came out from the OT. All of us were there.. I never see her so glowing and her skin was so firm.. I panicked! seriously panicked and didnt even want to leave her
7th Aug – Back and forth to the hospital and finally mom was discharged. Met wonderful people throughout the stay and figured everyone has their own shit to go through.. Sent mom to sister’s place
In between these event – I was stuggling with an emotional feeling about my personal life. A ghost came and try to promise things so call a sweet things which I thought it will be a sweet escape and to fullfill mom’s greatest request. I wasnt keen because my heart belong to someone but i guess if its the best then just go for it. At that point, it was like fuck it..I have lost my happiness long time ago and now the ultimate goal is to make mom happy and relief. God is great. it wasnt meant to be. Move on! Not significant! Part of me was so relieved and felt and I was thinking about bae.
18th Aug – Follow up check up. Dr said 110% she needs to go through chemo. But I insist telling mom until the specimen result is not out yet, lets pray and doa from Allah. Sometimes miracle do happens
Every morning, I open my eyes, check the lights is on in the living room or not, hear the tv sound. There was one morning it was so quiet. I get panicked. I ran away. outside and saw mom was just sitting on the couch. phew!
Dad is at hometown. Alone. He is not feeling well also.
22nd Aug – Another sad news. What is wrong with me????? Why why why… ???? I will never forgive myself.. fucking moron you Yani
25th Aug – The result will come .. staggin? chemo ?
So whats next?? I guess if someone throw me a brick till the blood flowing down from my forehead! I just feel nothing. numb! heartless! But I will still cry because my cry worth only 2cent
Feeling guilty and regret! But I will still want to count. the blessing. Just want to stop planning and low expectation. Let God take me through what’s coming to me next. If I can turn back the time, I wish I was the one that have it instead of mom. Dad still need you and vice versa while I techinically have nothing to look forward in life right now except death.