The 1 Simple Rule I Start EVERY Difficult Conversation With To Maximize It’s Effectiveness, Increase Connection, And Reduce Negative Impact.
Hey reader.
I am noticing I am feeling a bit worried about publishing this piece. I know it’s valuable, but I am also concerned you won’t like it, that will cause you to unfollow me or will reduce your desire of connecting with me. When my desire is for you to resonate with this piece and feel more connected to me.
Of course the stakes are not high between us right now, but sometimes you will have something to reveal that will cause you anxiety about the possible impact on the relationship. The best way to soften the blow?
Pre-Reveal it as I just did.
Why is this effective? Did it soften you to read my pre-reveal?
Try to feel this from the other person’s side.
By sharing with you my concerns about the connection, what I am implicitly saying is “I care about this relationship and it's continuation". I wouldn't have these feelings otherwise. And that is what the other person hears.
The cure for defensiveness is signaling belonging.
Our nervous system automatically feel threatened when we sense signs of unbelonging, rejection and disconnection. We get scared and protective of our survival because belonging IS surviving. When we feel emotionally unsafe, the only thing that can bring us back to safety is feeling the connection.
We tend to think that we need to show strength when we want our needs met(which is often a topic of difficult conversation), showing weakness would make the other person walk all over us, we believe.
Nothing can be further from the truth. Signaling that this person matters to you so much that they have an EMOTIONAL EFFECT on you is relieving and connecting to most people. They will be able to soften and intake much more because the connection and their survival is not threatened.
This does not mean they will not get triggered.
Relational trauma is unexpected and vast. But by pre-revealing your emotions and intentions, you are setting the floor to a much more connective and healing conversation that will bring you closer together, whether you are peers, family or partners.
Read this post and more on my Typeshare Social Blog
