A Careful Dissection of CalExit

My Fellow Californians,

A year ago I would have cobbled together eight hundred carefully selected words to elegantly state a position of reason and perspective regarding the proposed CalExit ballot initiative.

Alas, 2016 is dead and with it my hopes that intelligent political writing will always prosper over reductionist verbal diarrhea. It’s 2017. I’ll skip the pretense and move on to shouting at you.


Are you so enchanted by the ease of your life and the privilege with which you onanists jerk off to your own image that you can’t see the puppet strings orchestrating the dance?

1. (and this should be the only point I need to make) The 30 year old wunderkind behind “California independence,” Louis Marinelli, has a San Diego address, but resides in YEKATERINBURG, RUSSIA and subscribes to the beliefs of the Kremlin-backed “Anti-Globalization Movement of Russia.” So if you’re pissed off that Putin rigged the election, why in the name of God would you support another Russian attempt to destabilize the US?

2. I’ll tell you why: your silly ego. You grew up on the Beach Boys and have watched The OC at least three times through. Disneyland and Tahoe and Haight Ashbury and the world’s 5th biggest economy! Ain’t California great?

3. Yes, yes it is. Why? Because of an advantageous position at the western end of an economically unified continent and the eastern shore of a vast trade network known as the Pacific. Does California’s economy or culture thrive because people really dig our burritos and low key vibes?

4. No, California thrives because we have a fantastic culture, strong industries and A SHORELINE BRISTLING WITH THE DEATH INSTRUMENTS OF THE UNITED STATES MILITARY. We’re protected far off shore by the world’s most elaborate missile shield and a fleet-in-being that shifts the ever present possibility of military action to the western Pacific. Is this starting to ring a bell?

5. Because the President we almost uniformly hate would LOVE the opportunity to use that same military to fuck our dumb asses up in the event of a bone head declaration of secession.

6. If I still haven’t won you over yet, please Google “COLORADO RIVER, CALIFORNIA, WATER SUPPLY,” then explain to me how the southern section of California is going to survive without your argument devolving into a deus ex machina primal scream of “DESALINIZATION!”

Be the thorn in the lion’s paw. Engage. Fight. Don’t leave like a little bitch and march around a hackneyed protest with a cutesy sign and expect not to get served like the suckers you are.

You want to do something to prove California smokes the living shit out of “Dumbfuckistan?”

Convince Jerry Brown to run for president in 2020. (Fuck being an octogenarian.)