Walk On The Right

If you want to do something today to radically improve the United States of America, walk on the right.

Not to dissuade all of you social media posing gun-hounds, anti-statists, wokers, survivalists, new age crystal fiends, yoginis, water activists, constitutional fetishists and those breathily engaged in a marathon masturbation session devoted to “critical theory.” Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s a hoot to watch.

Simultaneously, if you could please remember just to walk on the right side of the walkway like we do here in America, that would be a huge help.

This country has been overrun by left-walkers, zig-zaggers, pavement anarchists and deliberate douche bags who have dissolved the sanctity of peripatetic order in favor of me-first chaos that has done great and irreparable harm to the social fabric of these United States.

I know what you’re thinking conservatives: it must the queer jewish negro communist menace. Wrong.

And sorry to you liberals who think the sidewalk syndicate is a clear cut symbol of white cisgendered patriarchy. You too are wrong.

This disease belongs to all of us. We have all contributed to the decline of walking etiquette or at least enabled it. May the deities have mercy on us all. We knew not what we did.

I’m willing to consider the possibility that a secret cabal of Brits, Aussies and natives of the Macau Peninsula have silently invaded our cities to undermine national order. Mostly though, it’s Americans that have to shoulder the guilt of destroying their own country with thoughtless walking habits.

I’ve identified three major groups of offenders:

1. “Can’t you see I’m trying to pour myself into my delusion screen?” I get it. You’ve lost the skill set required to relate to life as it appears organically through your five senses. You’ve turned to the great and ubiquitous spectacle to give meaning to your paltry, media-saturated existence. You’re a cultural consumer, after all. Why should the rest of us expect you to look up from your phone/tablet/skin-mounted dream machine? No. You’re clearly into some K-pop K-hole the rest of us can’t imagine. Thus, in your own mind, you’re good to walk wherever you please so long as you arrive at your destination without having to shift your attention from whatever piece of bogus “content” it is that has your eye at this very moment.

2. “I am more important than you.” Unless your fleeing a terror attack or a hundred foot wall of water threatening to swallow hundreds of miles of the littoral, there’s no really good reason for you to be clearing a path through opposing foot-traffic. Sorry. If you’re late, that’s on you. The rest of us shouldn’t have to suffer because you can’t manage your own time table. Walk hard right instead. The street is exactly the sort of evolutionary venue where your merit in the world will be tested against the time-cherished principle of survival of the fittest. See how you measure up!

3. “Rules are a social construct. I am a FREE INDIVIDUAL. I will walk wherever I want.” You’re the worst, the absolute dregs at the bottom of the barrel of Americanness known to the rest of the world by its colloquial term “Brat Fuckery.” You want to do something, so you do it. No questions asked. You selfish little turd. You Ayn Rand fellating monster. Walking on the left is an act of rebellion? Then so is falsifying evidence that a sovereign nation has weapons of mass destruction and thus must be invaded against the opinion of all clear-thinking nations in the western world. See how this works? You’re not a punk. You’re not a freedom fighter. You’re not a radical. You’re not a bold contrarian doing the work of civil disobedience. You’re a little baby, a kindred spirit to Dick Cheney who chooses to erode a functional piece of societal code because it suits your infantile fantasies of self-determinism.

Look, before aforementioned theoretical jerk-offs tap their copy of “Anti-Oedipus” and accuse me of harboring micro-fascist tendencies, let’s take a look at the Butterfly Effect.

This well-worn and highly-accessible facet of chaos theory examines the causal repercussions of microscopic events in a world of powerful material phenomena that tends to behave like an immense fluid shaped drastically by initial circumstances. If the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Taipei can create a barometric eddy that eventually grows and shifts to become a hurricane in the Atlantic, just what possible consequences do you think there might be to acting like a jackass on the sidewalk?

Don’t answer.

Just ponder this one thing: the moment you step out of line to serve your own agenda, you’re pissing people off. That ire doesn’t just dissipate. It transmutates into other, larger hates. You’re feeding the world wide rancor machine and for what? To save a little time, to make a statement, to serve your own zombiestic relationship to portable media?

America is in a place where everything is being questioned. “Disruption” the tech guru juggernaut job killers call it. We like to imagine ourselves as modern. It’s a response to a Moore’s Law gradient of technological growth. Subconsciously we feel inadequate and with that comes the need to adapt our humanity to match changing times.

Cool, awesome. But in the meantime, could we possibly preserve the trappings of basic decency that help our species function at root level? Wouldn’t that be nice? Could we try that? Could you walk on the right please?