WP2: Introspective
In the “weird thoughts” folder on my laptop, I keep my journals in chronological order with dates as their titles. I get inspiration from anything I see, experience, or hear in my life and note down my rawest feelings. In writing them all down, I dig deeper into why I feel the way I feel and any revelations I have. Therefore, every piece is an introspection. I reflect on my past experiences to discover different facets of my identity that I am not aware of through journaling. I establish new understandings of the human experience, the world, and myself. I chose four journal entries with four different new perspectives I gained through introspection to show how introspection gave me new takes on life.
2018/03/22:
“Everything is subjective because how things are like depends on how you look at it. Even universal facts accepted by the world and scientifically proven, such as the fact that there is one and only one sun on earth, can be subjective. I once read a story in “Genius on the Left, Lunatic on the Right” about a man who people thought was insane. He lived in his own world, believing that the world was a story he wrote and that he was the author and the main character. To him, other people are supporting characters whose only functions are to make him feel emotions and drive the plot. There is a quote in the book that describes him. ‘From his point of view, this world view is flawless.’ So does he really deserve to be called insane? Not really, it’s just that our perspectives and perception of the world are different. Or maybe, in his world, the people who do not understand him are the insane ones. Here comes relativity again.”
My very first journal is inspired by a book I read, “Genius on the Left, Lunatic on the Right.” It is a compilation of short real-life stories to guide the readers in approaching an event with different perspectives.
Growing up, I, like every kid, always wondered if the world around me was not what I thought it was. I was scared that I was the insane one, and I would never know it. Although a little absurd, this fear was something that had been on my mind for a long time. Learning that the objectivity of the world might be meaningless and we all perceive the world through our subjective eyes allowed me to escape this fear. Even if I am insane in the eyes of others, I am still not insane in my world, which is also the world that I live in. It is pointless to be bothered by something that’s not falsifiable. With this, I can be myself more confidently and pursue things that make me happy without having to worry about the opinion of others. I am also able to use this subjectiveness to enhance other aspects of my life. I became more optimistic, more forgiving, more understanding, and so on.
2019/01/08:
“Do you want to see what life is like?
Going home is the only thing on the mind of the people that just got off work. A few people are crammed at a table, one after the other, making the already small space even more crowded. Everyone seems to be in a hurry, and no one seems to be aware of the presence of others.
Children who just got out of school gulp the noodles. They pick out the cilantro and fatty meat and throw them on the side of the bowl, as easy as how they would solve problems as kids. Their chit-chats flew away along with the vapor.
A delivery person who rests here yells, ‘Hey, a bowl of noodles with meatballs!’, finishes his food without even taking off his conspicuous helmet, and plunges right back to the crowd.
In the corner sits an old couple. The grandpa put the only marinated egg and dried bean curd into the grandmother’s bowl and gently tapped the chopsticks on the food. ‘Eat it fast, it’s not good if it gets cold.’
The spark in the embers flickered stubbornly in the lighted cigarette. The wisps of white smoke drifted away in the direction of the wind as if all the melancholy can disappear with the white smoke at some point.
‘Sorry, we’re out of noodles; I’m cooking another pot; please wait a minute!’ The owner’s face fills with apologies as he yells.
The hot air rises around the big iron pot, and the noodles were ready again. A new group of customers comes in, sitting at the same place and doing the same things. Well, there’s no need to talk. Let’s eat the noodles.
As I strolled along the street, I sat down at a random noodle house, and the whole world was presented to me through the steam.”
This piece changed my perspective on the purpose of life and ways of living. I always thought people had to be successful, even though I didn’t know what success meant. I thought there should always be some grand destination people should aim to get to, meaning a person needs to pursue. However, life can take on so many forms, so can the meaning of life. Children, the elderly, employees, delivery drivers, workers, CEOs, moms, dads — all these identities and stages of life render different purposes in life, and therefore, different lifestyles and values. It is more important to acknowledge and celebrate everyday happiness instead of pursuing some grand goal like becoming a millionaire or contributing to society. Looking at people’s daily hustle and the most natural state of their lives made me feel alive. Life is beautiful in its simplest form. As cliche as it may sound, living every moment to the fullest is the best way to live a life.
2020/04/02:
“I have always believed that happiness and unhappiness are a type of energy that transmits in the form of positivity and negativity. When negativity overflows, people always resort to finding an outlet for it rather than transforming it into positivity. The victims of cyberbullying and even physical violence have to bear all the negativity. In fact, transforming from negativity to positivity is simply a change of perspective or a switch from pessimism to optimism.”
Last spring, many international students decided to go back to China because China was a lot safer, and most importantly, we missed home. For this, people were willing to go through multiple COVID and antibody tests, go on expensive and long flights, and sacrifice 14 days for quarantine. However, this led to a sharp increase in the number of cases in China. The media exploited the audience’s extreme patriotism and nationalism to gain attention, which resulted in the cyberbullying of almost all international students who returned home. Although I was never harassed in particular, seeing what people say on the internet still greatly saddened me. I began to wonder where all this negativity came from because I believe this is the way to alleviate the problem. I realized that negativity is a chain. If we choose to yell at someone else whenever we are angry, if we choose to vent our anger and negativity at someone else every time, this chain would never end, and there would only be more and more negativity in this world. Then I realized that a change of perspective allowed me to be more positive. Digesting negativity and transforming it to be more positive in a healthy way is the solution. Realizing this made my personal life better, and I believe that this also can make the life of the people around me better.
2021/06/14:
“The rain in June is still the same — damp, dark, and unpleasant. The steam from the hot pot is still the same, blurring the eyes and faces of the people across from me. The lengthy but trivial conversations and the emotions with no one to confide in are the same — calm and plain. I don’t understand. Is it the time and place that changed, or are our states of mind, worldviews, and values changed, or are they the people that changed?
I looked up, found your eyes, and smiled.
Everything changed; we grew apart.”
This piece documented my reunion with a childhood friend. After I went abroad after middle school, he stayed in a Chinese public high school and prepared for the Chinese college entrance exams. One exam score determines your future. She had just finished her exams, and the giant rock was lifted off of her chest. Our reunion felt intimate but distant. The memories during childhood and middle school years felt so close yet so impalpable. Although we had a good conversation catching up on each others’ lives, something felt absent. I then reflected on why it happened. No matter how much I dug into the reasons, I could not find one determining factor, such as personality difference, values, etc. Then I realized, two do not need a reason to grow apart. Sometimes we have no choice but to endure the consequences of the passage of time. Time cures a lot of relationships but also brushes away bonds and emotions.