So I’ve Talked To My Therapist About It…. Which Probably Was A Mistake Because Now I Have More Thoughts Than Before….
So I have been struggling with my thoughts towards my band director. I’m sorry I’ve mentioned her so much but it’s become a huge struggle for me….
So I didn’t ever have a good parent in my life. I have my honorary family recently come into my life about 3 years ago. I appreciate them so much, though I only see them 2 times a week and my best friend is in college. I have another adult who came into my life about a year in a half ago, I see her everyday except the weekends (unless we have a event). That adult is my amazing band director, Mrs. Parker. So I wanted to talk about her — even though I did in another blog about my recovery I talked about her and stuff she has done for me and no matter how much I talk about her and praise her I will never be able to give her enough credit.
Anyways I developed a really good relationship or connection or whatever with her; she’s become my biggest role model and honestly, if it wasn’t for her I honestly believe I would have been successful August 30 with my suicide plan. So she means a lot to me. Every word, action, and everything she says or does towards me others or stick to me and mean a lot to me. I want and will do anything for her because I strongly believe that no matter what I do it will never be enough for what she’s done for me. We’ve also had good conversations and I kinda felt special, not saying I’m special because believe me, I’m not, but I felt it, I feel like she appreciates me and I never felt like a reject, I felt love and care for and more. I never pissed her off or did anything to upset her, I always want to help and I want to make her not stress so much and do my part as a student and more.
So, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I was told mine is where I feel all my feelings, plus people I have a connection with feelings. I feel when one of my friends are stressed so sad or happy or mad and so forth plus my feelings. It’s a lot of feelings all at once, thats for sure. Well, I have my stress but I also have been feelings Mrs. Parker’s stress. She has a lot to do and had to get done before our band trip to the Gatlinburg Christmas Parade. With buses, groups, who’s on what bus, the two other bands joining us, lights, and so much more and our concert coming up, and then her family and her personal life.
I’ve noticed the relationship I had in the beginning of the year with her has shift. What I mean is, she has a look when someone annoys her and when students ask a stupid question or a question she already answer or does stupid stuff, when they turn around and leave she shakes her head or if we’re in class and the other side of the room is annoying her or upsets her she turns to me and others on the other side or the room and gives us the look with big eyes and mouth kinda opened and head tilted and sometimes might say something like “what the mess” or “are you serious” or “I just answered that, why aren’t they listening,” or just says nothing at all because everyone knows that Parker look. Well for a good month in a half I think our connection or something has shifted. My mind has been making me believe that she does that look about me, to other students. The look that is like “are you serious” look or “annoyed” looked. Not saying she can’t be annoyed by me or get upset with me, or she can’t have emotion or show feelings, etc. I don’t think it’s been good for me feeling like I’ve become a problem or an issue for her and that “I’m just too much,” etc. I feel I’ve become a problem and it’s gotten to the point where she’s ready for me to graduate and just leave. I feel I have become a problem or a burden. I say that because I’ve noticed little actions directed towards me I received only a few times but was never that intense or anything so I just say to myself, “she’s probably just having a bad morning or day and we all have days like this, don’t take in personal.” But, my mind is different, I’m told, “really Bri, did you have to text her, did you have to email her, did you have to ask that question, that was so stupid of you to do that, and you’re just proving my point that she finds you annoying and a problem, can’t you tell she’s treating you different? She’s never talked to you like that or been upset with you like she just did. Why didn’t you just drop out instead of coming back and become clingy to another person and upset another person, instead of leaving, but no you just had to come back to school and so much more.” It’s not like I want to think these things but it just happens and it’s so hard to not believe them, to push them away, and more.
So I went to my therapist on Monday, and her intentions were good, they’re always good to try and help me and so I’m not mad but she got me thinking even more stuff I never thought about and now my thoughts are worst. So I’ve told her my thoughts of the situation. Well, she first said what I already think, it could be something happening to her personally that could be going on and also stress with so many stuff happening and coming up, parades, practices, and concerts. But, then what she said next was not what I have been thinking. But first, I have no say, I am not a independent person. I can’t think for myself, do stuff for myself, and etc. Not saying I’m completely useless and I need help, I can do stuff and think for myself but I can’t do everything on my own. I am a dependent person. I depend on other people to make me happy, I depend on other people to help me with stuff I can’t do, that’s what I mean. Stuff I can do are stuff I can do independently but stuff I can’t I need help, but I’m not one to ask for help. As soon as I do I regret it instantly, I feel bad, ashamed, awful, stupid, upset because that makes me weak. Asking for someone to help me with stuff I should be able to do and can’t. Anyways back to what my therapist was saying. She said “maybe Mrs. Parker thinks you’ve gotten to close, to dependent on her, to clingy and she had to step back. I think she should of said something to you instead of just completely stop and probably have a drastic change in how she is treating or making you feel because no one wants to feel reject.” I started thinking, *wait what I’m feeling is the feeling you feel when you’re rejected? I usually only feel this way with people my age or family, I don’t think I’ve felt this kind of rejection. Am I really that dependent to her where she has to reject me and….does she hate me?* So I’m thinking these things as she’s talking to me. “I don’t think she’s trying to make you feel or think these things.” I told her “I went to our school social worker who knows some of this and her suggested I email Mrs. Parker, asking if we can have a meeting.” But I’m scared because it can go either one of 2 ways; she can either say no, I don’t feel or think those things, I’m just busy or whatever. But, still make me feel I can go to her because I don’t think I can, or she can tell me what I’ve been thinking is true. I don’t know what to expect, so I’m kinda happy she never emailed me back saying we can meet. So we pretty much talked about that and my feelings so she was trying to help, I know she didn’t mean to put those kind of thought in my head but now they are. She thinks I should at least tell her how many days clean from cutting I went because I was going 100 days clean for her (which grew for other people just not myself yet) but I started it for her, and I’ve been cutting for 9 years, and that was the longest time ever being clean from cutting….. She said I should be proud of that but I feel like such a disappointment because I relapsed, I think as soon as I relapsed she knew I did and she feels disappointed in me. I think if I tell her she would be so upset with me for not making it to 100 days and for relapsing. It upsets me so much and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much of a burden I became I relapsed so many times for 3 weeks. I’m currently only 4 days right now, but my relapsing went crazy with relapsing every other day for one week, by the second week I relapsed every single day and I relapsed twice a day on the 3 week. I stopped. I’m four days but I don’t think I’ll ever get back on the road if I don’t figure out what’s going on with my thoughts and issues on this subject. Maybe if it goes back to normal I’ll feel ready to start going clean again, but no promises.
We did go on a trip to Gatlinburg yesterday, December 1st, 2017 and she brought one of her daughters and she so precious and she just continued making my day. Mrs. Parker was also different towards me than what she has been. She was talking to me, she was happy, I didn’t feel awful for asking questions and I sat with her daughter. It was her daughter’s birthday recently and so I brought her a present and she asked to sit with me but she couldn’t so she begged me to sit her and so we sat behind her dad, and Mrs. Parker sat across from Mr. Parker and all their stuff was behind Mrs. Parker, across from me and her daughter. So she colored and talked to me and laughed and played with filters on my phone but she refused to go to take a nap. I really wanted to take a nap and I saw both Parker’s laying across their seats resting their eyes with headphones in and I don’t think they fully were sleeping but just resting. So we get to Gatlinburg and she begged me to be in her group but I had my own group and I wasn’t going to be in her group — aka her and her parents. When we met back at the buses she loved telling me about her day and told me “ I got upset and cried because my dad got 2 hole-in-one and I only got 1 hole-in-one and I don’t think that was fair.” I told her “well you didn’t have to cry for that because after you hit the ball you have no control over it,” and she said “yeah” but I said “it is okay you did cry because remember (from a earlier conversation when she was telling me about her mom crying, me and her both agree crying is okay), I told her crying is okay and that I cried twice today, so you did better than me.” Well she really wanted to know why I was crying, and I told her only one of the reasons because she doesn’t need to know the other one so I told her it’s because I didn’t have as much fun as she did and others, because I didn’t get to do anything I wanted so I was upset but I’m okay now. She then said “what do you think people would say if you were my mom and I was your daughter?” and I laughed and said “that she has really, really good parents and I don’t think she could get better ones, and second I would of been 12 if you were my daughter, and that’s not okay.” She laughed and said “yeah that’s true but I wish you were part of my family.” That absolutely melted my heart because heres a side note:
*I had a dream a few weeks ago on a Thursday night and the dream was about the next day, so that Friday. My dream included Mrs. Parker, and we had a game, and my friends couldn’t take me home because one wasn’t at the game and the other people aren’t allowed anymore and then that actually happen in real life, my friend couldn’t come to the game and my other friends couldn’t take me home so my mom had to actually be a parent and come get me after the game. Anyways back to that dream. In the dream my mom feel asleep or was ignoring me or something and never answered her phone, so Mrs. Parker wouldn’t find out my parent wasn’t on the way, and since she can’t leave till everyone is gone I went to the front and waited till she answered, but I was mentally preparing to stay there all night. Well Mrs. Parker came to the front of the school where I was waiting and saw me and took me home, her house is the complete opposite direction to my house so I felt awful. Well, we’re in the car and I asked permission to sing the song that was on in the radio and so I’m singing and she randomly asked me, “what about adoption?” I was so confused because that’s all she said she we weren’t talking, just singing and she stopped to say that. I was silently crying and I guess she figured out I was but I was hiding my face by looking out the window. I was crying the closer we got to my house and the fact that she has to bring me home. So she asked about adoption and I answered “what about adoption?” She said me and my husband were talking about helping you, I know you’re 18 but we really want to help you and we probably can’t adopt you, but we want to help you with helping you going to college, help you enjoy your senior year, help you in your faith, and anything else you need to enjoy life….to be like your parents.” I said “are you serious? And, I can’t leave my dog, he’s my world” and she said “bring him.” I start crying and asked to think about it. Because that’s leaving my life, not saying I don’t want to but to leave my family, will they still be my family, can I still see my siblings, will I be disowned, etc. She dropped me off and said have a good night and she left. I go inside and open the door but I didn’t turn off the alarm, I wanted her to wake up. She came out and asked why I didn’t turn it off and I asked her why she didn’t come get me. She then got mad I asked and yelled at me. I said “I want to move out.” She said that I have a few months but I said I can’t wait a few months I want to move out now. She told me how awful I am and was wondering where would I go and how she won’t forgive and I started crying but she seriously forgot me, and doesn’t care about me and so I said “ I’m suppose to be moving in a few months anyways, I’m moving out. I hope we can still be family and I can still see the family, and I’m taking Jack.” She cussed me out and said “to get out now.” I grabbed Jack, my dog, and I went upstairs and called Mrs. Parker crying and begged her to come get me, because she wants me to leave, I’m packing some things and Jack and we can come back after school and pack the rest of my stuff and move in with her. I woke up to my alarm, my pillow was soaked, I had tears down my face and I looked in the mirror and had red eyes. I told my friend at the game and she said “what would you do if that actually came true? She’s such a good person and I think she really cares about you and I think she would be a good mom to you, and you deserve a good adult and parent.” That made me happy that someone else agreed but it’s a dream and dreams rarely ever come true, and that dream is definitely not one to come true. So there’s my side note.*
So back to being on the bus heading to the beginning of the parade. She told me “ I love you Bri” and gave me another hug. She said “next year can you join my group and my mommy and daddy can by you food and gifts and we can have fun.” Then she said “mommy can Bri and I have a sleepover?” — she so sweet. I just felt so warm inside for how loving she was and trusted me and being so open was just amazing. I think she is so, so, so lucky for who she has as parents. Parents that are funny, strong believers, supportive, loving, and just amazing. On our way to Gatlinburg, when she was refusing to take a nap, Mrs. Parker took her onto her seat and I stretched across the seat, and here’s the other reason on why I was crying, I even told Alisha, I sent her a picture of me crying and said “such happy tears” in the photo. She asked me why and here’s why: Me watching Mrs. Parker parenting was amazing. She had her daughter laying across the seat with her legs in her lap, she was trying to get her to take a nap, she was rubbing her feet, she laid on her twice, she was making her laugh and her daughter was telling her a story and she was actually listening. She was so loving to her and it just made me cry and smile. I was trying not to watch and stuff but I couldn’t look away. At that age, I was living with my stepmom, dad, and siblings, I wasn’t shown love like that, I was almost a mother at that age and like I don’t see how I did it, I’m watching this seven yr old enjoying life, and loving on her mom, how did I, at this age was put in charger of other lives and had to be a parent when I was a child myself. I see her with her feet on Mrs. Parker and Mrs. Parker laying her head on her daughter and I never got that, I got yelled at if I laid my head on my parent, I was getting hit with a belt or holding hot sauce in my mouth while having to sit against the wall like I was sitting on a chair. It was kinda like I was almost jealous watching her love on her daughter, but I know that God says to not want, what your neighbor has or something like that. But she is just a really good parent.
We make it to the beginning of the parade and our buses and Mrs. Parker’s husband and daughter goes with the buses to the end of the parade. We marched the parade, and got to the end and loaded the buses. She wanted me to still sit with her and at this point my seat has been taken. So we did but Mrs. Parker told her that she needs to go to bed. I thought we could watch a movie and fall asleep to that because I could tell she was tired. Mrs. Parker couldn’t get it to work but after a while she agreed to try and fall asleep with no movie so she stopped trying to get it to work. I told her she can lay her feet on me because she had them tucked in a ball kinda behind me and reseted against a pillow on window and I just felt so bad because it didn’t look comfortable so I said we can lay her out and I can sit on the floor. But Mrs. Parker moved all her stuff from the seat behind her so I could lay down. We got back a little after 2am and so after everyone got off the bus I cleaned the bus for him so we weren’t charge and I grabbed all my stuff and Mrs. Parker saw my uniform that they threw on the ground she said she brought it in for me. I sat with her daughter as she went back to see her husband and we sat and she just hugged me and I just hugged her. My favorite part was definitely the bus ride(s) because I felt cared and loved but Mrs. Parker, her husband and of course their daughter.
I’m scared for Monday for her to go back to normal but I enjoyed Friday, where she was the Mrs. Parker she usually is towards me, I didn’t have negative thoughts of what she could be thinking of me and that I was bothering her. I really just hope I’m not, but I’ll never know I guess unless she wants to talk and can talk and I hope I can tell her everything I’ve been wanting to talk to her about and to tell her how many days clean I went from cutting and how I never went that far in not cutting in 9 years…..I thought it was a good achievement but I’m still scared she just gonna think I’m a disappointment for not going the full 100 days….. I hope she can forgive me though and I really just hope she isn’t disappointed in me and find me as a burden…..but my therapist did put some more bad thoughts into my head and it’s hard to push all of these away.