The Dutch Oven

Yardboy
Yardboy
Sep 6, 2018 · 2 min read

And other techniques of romantic husbandry

The Dutch Oven:
1. Fart under the covers. Give it a few moments to reach full potency.
2. Pull the covers over your wife’s head and seal them.

While it is a classic, there are other techniques worth knowing and practicing.

The Laughing Dutchman
1. Same as above
2. Same as above
3. Tickle your wife so as to force her to breathe deeply

The Dutch Cannon:
1. Same as above
2. Instead of pulling the covers over your wife’s head, arrange and seal them so that the only path for escaping air is aimed directly at her face.
3. Move your legs up and down a bit to pump out the stank.

The Dutch Whisper:
1. Same as above
Remain perfectly still and wait for the essence to waft out on its own in bits and pieces

The Flying Dutchman:
1. Same as above
2. Quickly duck under the covers and “rise up from the depths” by standing up, letting the stank pour out like water from a sunken ship brought to the surface

Note: there is an inherent danger to this maneuver — make sure you “break the seal” on the covers as you stand up so as to allow some air in and force the stank out. Otherwise, the vacuum action of standing will bring all the stank up to concentrate around your head, resulting in death.

The Dutch Drain:
1. Same as above
2. Lift/open the sheets at the end of the bed with your feet, allowing the stank to flow out

Note: this one obviously isn’t as much fun as the others, unless you time it perfectly to catch your wife as she is going around the bed to the bathroom.

The Dutch Knocker:
1. Scooch across the DMZ to snuggle your backside up against your wife.
2. Fart
3. Move quickly away while fluffing the covers vigorously

Note: Aiming and achieving a close proximity are critical here — the maneuver is as much about the shared tactile sensation of a strong repeater as it is about the stank.

It should be further noted that all of these activities are strictly husband-only. Women can’t do them because their farts smell like rose water. Or so I’ve been told.

Yardboy

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Yardboy

An adorably clear chap, but hardly a capable acorn.