I Have a Problem…

Photo by Moja Msanii on Unsplash

I have a problem. It’s spelt CONTROL and NEED TO KNOW IT ALL.

I left my job a year ago now and as at then I was so unsure of all that laid ahead for me. The decision to leave took me a year to finalise and that was only because I had exhausted all my excuses. I knew that it was time to leave but I didn’t know what exactly was ahead, so I stalled. When I finally made the decision to leave, the one question I dreaded being asked at the time was “Grace, so what next?” . I didn’t want to look foolish or sound confused and uncertainty is definitely not something I do so well.

All I knew was that I was meant to serve at my church and take some time off. I thought to myself, maybe I will get a job in church eventually or I may start some kind of ministry work. However, I got a lot more than I was expecting.

Months after I got involved in my church as a volunteer, I discovered that I had huge music potentials. I mean, I’ve always known that I had a relatively good voice (well, people told me so) and I could sing, but the unfolding that happened in the months that passed by wasn’t something I expected. I composed a song! Then I wrote a song and composed it and wrote another and another.

While my music potential was growing, my interest in the tech space grew too, so I sort of fanned the interest on the side as well. Talks about a music house began to fly around and I thought, well, this is it. So whenever anyone asked, of course I told them about the music plans and mentioned nothing else cos that made a lot more sense.

I really wasn’t expecting what was to come next. Sometime during the year, my church decided to launch a year long intensive business academy and my pastors insisted that I pitched to join the academy. I pitched and got in. The academy has been running for a year now and Lord have mercy! It has been stretching but also very beautiful.

The last thing I thought I would be doing when I left my job last year was planning to run my business. But here I am, just completed business registration and getting ready to start paying tax (you won’t believe the drama I have been acting cos of this since… LOL).

So back to my problem. You see, my control and need to know tendencies, which really is all about looking a certain way before people, would have deprived me of getting to where I am now. But one of the things I am learning to do and God help me, is to live like Christ described when he said

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

I am learning to be at peace with not knowing it all and not being in complete control because, really I can’t know it all, I can’t control it all and I don’t have to. I just have to embrace every stage of my life, do the best I can at that point and move on when it’s time to.

I don’t know what the next phase is but I am grateful for this phase and I am glad I didn’t deprive myself of the experiences I have accumulated so far and of course the people I’ve met.

I’m sharing this to say, there’s nothing wrong with not having it all figured out. Nobody does. We all just figure it out as we move. And flexibility is a trait we all must embrace and imbibe in life.

In case you are wondering what next, for those who like asking me, ermmm… mind ya business. Okay, just kidding, for now, I’m singing in my church, maybe I will do a proper recording soon. I am also building a tech inclined business (User Experience Design and Strategy focused) amongst some other things. As time permits, I may share more. Oh and I finally decided to begin sharing my thoughts again.