When looking at a mirror…I see everything but myself.

Depression is a monster that hunts you down till it makes sure every part of you is no longer truly you. It has many symptoms. The most dangerous one is when you have nothing for yourself but hatred and negative thoughts. Every simple detail pisses you off and brings you down to your knees.

I remember the times when looking at the mirror would eventually make me disappear into a puddle of tears. I would not be able to carry on looking at myself for more than few seconds.

The reason was not the fact that I don’t have a pointed nose or puffy lips or that I look ugly.

The real reason is that I could not help seeing the reflection of the mess I was on the inside (and on the outside sometimes).

I see the sleepless nights in the black circles around my eyes. I see the demons inside my eyes racing to pull me back to the trap I find myself in at the end of each day. I see my bones aching from the pressure my heavy heart puts on them. I feel my headaches continuously driving me crazy because of the countless number of poisonous thoughts my mind has to handle.

I find it hard to fall asleep, and so interesting to stare at walls and things that seemed not very interesting before. I cannot bring myself to recognise any of the things I think of when I am staring at people or things. I just feel completely lost. I feel like I have been transported into this new dimension that disconnects me from all my senses. It makes me feel numb and out of this world.

And once I am back, all I can remember is how much being myself sucks.

It is so hard to deal with our internal battles, but it comes down to feeling every bit of them. John green said in his book The fault in our stars that pain demands to be felt and that life is not a wish granting factory. We cannot just ignore the pain we go through while facing depression or any other mental/psychological/spiritual difficulty. And we also cannot just wish things can get better over night.

I did not have it easy at all. It was exhausting and toxic. And it made me feel physically and mentally weak. But here’s something that took me too long to figure out: The process is too long, so make sure you do not get too caught up in your everyday battles that it swallows you and deprives you from your self esteem. Take a step back and try to change the angle from which you see the situation and yourself as well. And sometimes you might want to see yourself through the eyes of a loved one just to remind you that you have been too rough on yourself and it’s time to reconcile with it.

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