Dating and “Heightism”

Yates
Yates
Jul 20, 2017 · 4 min read
(woodypino — Pixabay)

Her smile shone through her whole face and tugged at me. The photos seemed a little forced, but they were so bright. She pulls off skinny as well as anyone. I had to go for it. I mean, I swiped right.

Oh, swiping, to that I’ve been reduced.

I swiped right, even though her bio merely read:

I’m probably taller than you :)

I (almost) never swipe right on girls who mention height. For a reason. Still, I did.

We matched!

A dozen messages charming messages later, we were set to meet. She added,

I should you warn you, I’m kinda tall. Like 6'1" tall.

OK. I asked, is it going to bother you that I’m 5'9"-ish?

It doesn’t really bother me, but I’m that terribly annoying person that only dates people taller than me…

The gist of my response: Huh?

I’m not opposed to meeting new people, but…

…She’s not going to date me. Very well. My last sentence to her:

Best of luck finding what’s important to you.

What is important?

Before I get into why I find the above silly, I’ll posit a couple hypotheses as to why it may be legit. Feel free to let me know about it.

I once read results of a study that concluded it’s significantly important that men find their female partner more attractive than themselves. So I wonder: Is women’s preference for taller men about fundamental attraction, and therefore carries a similar innate significance as men wanting their female partners to be prettier?

Here’s the first guess at why: Security

I buy the notion that women want men to exude safety and steadiness. So much of romantic, sexual relationships is vulnerability. We need to trust. We need to feel safe in order to be vulnerable. Simple.

Height is an automatic physical indicator of safety and security. Draw a line in your mind through time — from pre-historic man, or even apes, up to now — height has always been an advantage. In combat, it’s generally helpful to be taller. In the modern business world, height counts, it seems.

If a woman wants security, a taller man physically suggests it from the start.

Second: Dad

Even 6'1" gals probably have taller dads. And if they’ve outgrown their fathers by the time they’re 22 and on Tinder, women have still spent most of their lives looking up, physically and otherwise, at the male figure(s) in their lives.

These men have set examples for their expectations and desires of men. Perhaps it’s only natural that they want to keep looking up, feeling physically wrapped in a hug and, again, feeling secure.

Do these possibilities resonate?

Is evolutionary psychology at play?

How should relative height rank? Should it be your limiting factor?

Life is too short, and time too precious, to focus on the insignificant.

Which is why I told my Bumble match, “I don’t have time for that (meeting a new person who apparently cares less about character than physique).”

We’re supposed to be fed up with racism and sexism — elevating uncontrollable aspects of personhood above character. Why settle for heightism? What are you missing?*

*If you’re probably not missing anything. You’re preoccupied with height.

Yes, I want to find my partner attractive. Roughly as attractive as me, I suppose. But I would stretch a long way out of that comfort to be with someone with a mind that matches mine. Because I want someone.

I’m not looking for a romantic commodity; I want a product. So I can’t afford to reduce my pool of selection on the basis of a couple inches of height or 15 lbs.

I find rational reasons for having some strictures along those lines. If you take the link above, height could easily matter to your children (but you could be a better parent to make up for it). Weight matters to health and capability. If the kind of life you want to live — or the number of years — could be affected by your mate’s weight, it’s something to think about. Put them first, though?

And what do I mean, put those things first? I mean the one thing written in your dating bio is about height. That’s what you want people to know — what you look like and how tall. You’ll figure out the rest later? Or does the rest even matter?

My roommate and I had a laugh over the tall girl. She said:

You’re going to overlook your possible soul-mate because he’s shorter than you?

“Soul-mates” notwithstanding, what is the cart and what is the horse?

The Rub

I considered the possibilities of disgust if I listed some physical preferences in women. (Keep in mind, I have no idea what other men are writing, if they write bios.)

“I only date women with X bra size or larger.”

That should go over well, right?

Many women would accept the requirement that my date be shorter than me, because it’s normative, but bra size would probably cross the line. My roommate (sample of one!) concurred.

The line, again, involves placing a highly insignificant physical trait (in the first 21st century) above character. Only this time, it’s a little more personal, part of feminine identity.

Would a single woman be attracted to the above demand?

Yes, I like boobs as much as the next guy, but size is near the bottom of the list for me, next to height.

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