Leaving things lie

…must be the worst idea I’ve heard since August.

Since I ended us.

I ended us with a lie and a sad truth, without hesitation.

I gave you every reason to throw us away and forget what we might have been (the worst being that I sought that on purpose), but I doubt that you have.

That’s not my only doubt. I still have doubts about us. The difference is that the doubt doesn’t matter to me.

It was you who imagined the future of us. You were all in.

I’m late, but I’m all in and becoming more than the man you imagined yourself with.

Did you imagine I’d decide to have kids?

Did you imagine I’d want to bend, in order to improve the life we had?

Did you see us building a school, changing countless children’s lives?

I do. It’s all because of you.

I’ve been riding around the mountains with my niblings for a couple days. The trip brings me two main thoughts.

First, because it’s a struggle to get anywhere and enjoy anything: This is the wrong way to vacation; two will do.

Second, because kids are overwhelming and taxing most of the time, I imagine: Our kids will be so amazing. We’re gonna be all-stars with them, ‘cause what the hell else would we do?

The night we met, you mentioned writing a book about your life, maybe for your grandkids to read. The total truth: I thought, ‘what the hell about?’ Now I know. I know about a life worth reading.

There I am, sucked into the vision of us, which you created.

I’m all in.

I’m all out, though, until you call.

There’s to be no conversation, no consideration, no knowledge even.

I should probably put down this phone. People keep telling me I should leave it lie.

People are usually wrong.