suicidal tendencies

i don’t want to live.

it’s the truth.

if i had a choice,

i would undo my life altogether,

let some other cell get to the egg first,

avoid this prison

i was unaware id be trapped in.

and it’s just the truth.

but im afraid of death,

afraid of an eternity of nothingness,

of the reality that everything im suffering now was for nothing,

and worse, afraid that i may just end up in whatever twisted version of hell my damaged consciousness could conjure.

so i shut my mouth

and try to quiet my thoughts

and just accept that prison

is going to be as good as it gets.

and it drives me fucking insane.

i run from emotion,

spend my every waking moment

with my head in the clouds.

one winter i even breathed snow

to chill my thoughts

or at least make them so they weren’t so loud.

i mean,

i really need help.

like i really, really need help.

but you miss out on support when

no one you love believes you have a disease.

i mean,

im honestly sick.

like really fucking sick.

and i dont know what else to do

to make things easy.

ive spent days in hospitals

and years on pills

but somehow i keep winding up back here:

rock bottom.

im so tired.

i look around me and nothing is right

and no one is there to help.

and after all these years ive grown exhausted

with going through shit by myself.

i just…

i don’t want to live.

but it doesn’t mean that i give up yet.

lord just please take a LITTLE weight off my chest