Toronto Maple Leafs

Do they still wear a maple leaf that says “Toronto Maple Leafs” on it? Not “Toronto” or “Maple Leafs” or “TML” but the entire team name? What’s that about? Are they showing off that they can afford the extra letter stitching costs?

Tampa Bay Lightning

Two hockey teams in Florida but we don’t even go to the fucking moon anymore?!

Ottawa Senators

The Senators were always terrible. Then they got good enough to always make the playoffs but never do anything. Does that make them the ‘cool story bro’ of hockey?

Montreal Canadiens

I read somewhere that not all of the Montreal Canadiens are from Canada?

Detroit Red Wings

Do they still throw octopi on the ice? Where is Detroit getting all this octopi from? I thought they were starving and eating car parts.

Boston Bruins

The Bruins logo is stodgy. I know they are one of the original six hockey teams but why do they present themselves like they have a winning tradition when they just have a tradition of existing?

Buffalo Sabres

Why doesn’t Mark Ruffalo own .000001 percent of the team?

Florida Panthers

Do they still throw rats on the ice when something good happens? Why did they ever do that? Have players mysteriously come down with leptospirosis?

Columbus Blue Jackets

Okay you got me I made this team name up entirely.

New Jersey Devils

Apparently they won some championships by playing “neutral zone hockey,” shutting down scoring and boring everybody. Soon other teams tried to do it, and pretty soon goalies were texting during games. Why were these clownlords allowed to ruin hockey?

New York Islanders

They’re going to play in Brooklyn next year. I know hipster jokes are played out but 1)hipsterdom is alive and all too well and it still isn’t mocked enough somehow and 2)the Islanders should start wearing monocles this season. Would they really lose as many games as they always do doing this?

Washington Capitals

Why doesn’t that Ovechkin kid get his teeth fixed? Are they not paying him enough? No dental plan? Can I have his dental plan if he isn’t using it? Because he isn’t and I can use some work. I’m sensitive about it please don’t ask me to elaborate.

Philadelphia Flyers

They used to be punks who literally just spent the sixty minutes on the ice holding up their opponents at gunpoint. So why did they draft 7'9" Eric Lindros, a lumbering target that got knocked out all the time? Why are tall people allowed to play hockey? Tall people get to do everything else and are paid more than their diminutive counterparts for doing the same job, maybe they don’t also need to play hockey?

Pittsburgh Penguins

Mario Lemieux! What a story. He’s still alive right? Oh good.

New York Rangers

Okay I know some stuff from last season — Martin St. Louis was the captain, and his mother died, and the Rangers suddenly went on a tear after being down 3–1 to the Penguins in the conference semifinals and it was a great story, and then they lost in the finals anyway, so his mother is stuck in purgatory, because that’s how it works. I know all that. But St. Louis was acquired from a trade in mid-March, really late in the season, so doesn’t that cheapen everything?

Carolina Hurricanes

Why does Google insist that the Hurricanes won it all in 2006? Such a random lie.

Dallas Stars

Did a Dallas blog or newspaper write up a piece titled “The Fault in Our Stars” yet? Because that will happen and it will be wrong.

Minnesota Wild

Hey why aren’t you guys the North Stars?

Nashville Predators

The Nashville Predators were founded in 1998. To Catch a Predator premiered in 2004. It is 2014. Why are the Nashville Predators still the Nashville Predators?

Winnipeg Jets

Apparently these aren’t the same Winnipeg Jets from 1994. Those Jets became the Phoenix Coyotes, who are now the Arizona Coyotes, just for the attention. The current Winnipeg Jets used to be the Atlanta Thrashers, who lasted in Atlanta from 1999–2011 before saying, “You know what? Let’s just be the Winnipeg Jets — that name isn’t taken anymore.” All true by the way. Why would anyone force Winnipeg residents to admit that they would prefer to root for a bunch of posers over having to talk to each other? Seems mean.

St. Louis Blues

Doesn’t this team just exist for St. Louis to try to make Kansas City feel inferior?

Chicago Blackhawks

Do Native Americans think that Blackhawks is a derogatory Native American term because it implies that Native Americans like hockey?

Colorado Avalanche

Is their logo still the Scarlet Letter? Why? Why not stop sinning? Ever think of that?

Los Angeles Kings

They had Gretzky and didn’t win. With Jonathan Quick? Two rings. Do they get rings? Or is it just their name on the Cup and an afternoon with Lord Stanley that you’ll feel embarrassed about later? I honestly don’t know.

Vancouver Canucks

Did Bryant Reeves go to Canucks games and enjoy the anonymity?

Arizona Coyotes

Do the two Tempe hockey fans who felt excluded when they were the Phoenix Coyotes still think they’re dreaming?

Calgary Flames

I can’t believe that 1)they’re still in Calgary and 2)the arena is still called the Saddledome. Does time not move in Calgary?! Does science know about this?

San Jose Sharks

Do the San Jose Sharks have a lot of Silicon Valley fans? Why not? If nerds can pretend to like other sports why not hockey? Not enough advanced stats for them? Maybe they would like an advanced knuckle sandwich? Why won’t they hire me?

Edmonton Oilers

How is this explicit pro-fracking shit left unchecked?

Anaheim Ducks

Wasn’t the whole point of officially changing their name from “The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim” in the first place to make the team sound like they don’t get beat up in the parking lot after the game with advanced knuckle sandwiches? So why did they only change it to “Anaheim Ducks”? Were they just content to not have the team name imply that an opposing team named after a Pixar movie would beat them?