I closed my eyes.
I saw myself, looking at her;
Her eyes, looking into mine;
I could feel her breath, on my face;
Her deep throated laughter rang in my ears;
I could smell the shampoo in her hair;
Our banter, my calls to her, the last words spoken,
It felt real, I was re-living those moments.
 
I slammed my fist,
The pain helped…
To bring me back to reality of the present-
Of her absence, in my life.
 
I could not live like this. 
How could I stop…
…letting my past screw up my present?
How could I go about life…
…in peace?
 
I searched faces 
At malls, restaurants, book shops,
For her, to see her, 
Just that one more time.
To look into her eyes;
To see her eyes,
Looking into mine,
Just that one more time.
 
Would she look the same? 
Would I look the same to her? 
 
Ways I could react on seeing her, 
Started to play, like old reruns in my head;
They must have done so, about a million times already.
Should I talk to her…?
Like nothing happened?
Should I show… 
Surprise? Relief? Pleasantness? Remorse?
Or should I …
Look away?
Walk away from her…?
Denying that I ever knew her?
That she shook my entire world?
That she was the reason, 
For a range of emotions, 
I never knew existed. 
 
I hadn’t known what falling in love felt like, 
Until then;
Until I knew her like I did.
That she felt the same, 
Felt and still feels, 
Surreal…
 
Would it hurt to see her? 
Would it hurt her to see me? 
 
Life is not meant to be perfect;
Life does not fit into little boxes,
Like in comic books,
Called “ideal”, that are drawn for it,
This was real…
 
It’s an incomplete chapter,
Which my head keeps getting back to.
Her name still finds its way,
To my lips…
Why was my gramophone record stuck?
Why did the song not advance? 
Why was it playing the same line?
Over and over and over again?
It had stopped sounding melodious, 
A while ago.
 
It wasn’t even “cool”, 
To be heartbroken for so long;
For so long…
…over the same girl.
 
Would she look the same? 
Would I look the same to her? 
Would it hurt to see her? 
Would it hurt her to see me?

An excerpt from the book - And We Remained

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