Addiction & Suicide: My Story
My name is Yancy Berry and I am an addict.
Now, you should know that I have been sober for 22 years, now living my life as an Addiction Recovery Specialist - Lord knows I have the experience. I’ve attended thousands of alcoholics anonymous, debtors anonymous and sex and love addicts anonymous meetings over the years while also mentoring many men and women. I also have been an award-winning professional life coach and health coach over the past 11 years, having worked with over 100 people combined in these capacities.
Guess what? I still struggle.
Whether the addiction of substances were present or not, I’ve been suicidal at various points in my life. The six months before I got clean and sober at 26 years old, was the longest and most persistent time. I wanted to die the entire six months and I could never see a way out. I would sit at my kitchen table and spin a 9mm handgun in front of me, contemplating if I should pull the trigger or not. Fortunately, I never did.
When I got clean and sober it was a huge boost to my emotional and spiritual self-esteem. But still I ran into some issues. About eight years clean and sober, I went into another bout of depression. Which is not unthinkable considering this happens to quite a few people who have been sober for a long stretch of time. Life happens, they get into a rut and often times there are deeper issues that haven’t been taken care of - in my case money and sex issues.
As I walked through them with therapy, meetings and both personal and spiritual development, I got to the other side of the issues and my desire to commit suicide dissipated.
And lastly this past year, at 22 years clean and sober, even though I’m a coach and walk through people through difficulties just like the ones that I’ve experienced, it happened to me again. I realized another form of addiction — self sabotage. It was the last and longest and most lingering form of addiction for me. And the bottoms (the very difficult times) we’re so low that I had thoughts of wishing that I wouldn’t wake up. Or fleeting thoughts of wondering how I could escape this planet. Even though I had been down this road before, these thoughts were really quite frightening.
I did something I’ve never done this year, which was called the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273–8255). Although I never was as sincere about committing suicide this year as I was pre-sobriety, the fact that I was having these thoughts made me take action. I know the extreme importance of talking to others about your feelings and thoughts, especially if they may cause you to cause harm to yourself. I was also able to talk to my therapist, my AA sponsor and my life coach to get an overwhelming amount of help and new actions to take. The domino effect of this has since pushed me to the point where I’m having the best emotional, spiritual and physical year of my entire life.
And I’m quite excited about it.
As someone who has thought about committing suicide and being an Addiction Recovery Specialist, I find it my responsibility to take the lessons I’ve learned from those dark and difficult times and impart them to others.
What is one message for someone who has survived a suicide attempt?
One thing that I would love for you to know is that you’re not by yourself. You don’t ever have to do life by yourself, even if there’s no one in your life right now who you feel like you can reach out to. Someone is out there. You can get sliding scale therapy for an affordable amount. You can call the suicide hotline, as I always like to refer people to. Someone will help you. Someone will talk you through it. Reach out to professionals and get the coaching and therapy that you need. Group energy and team energy is there for you.
I know it feels like the feelings that you have will be forever when you’re in those deep, dark moments because I’ve been there. But they’re not going to last forever. This, too, shall pass. You will get out of that emotional feeling.
But much work is to be done. You can learn through books and through talks. So many free and inexpensive sources all over the world for you. You can get through this. You can be a happy, healthy human being. And I just want you to know it.
In retrospect, what did I need to know when I was having suicidal thoughts that I know now?
I needed to know three very important things — One, I wasn’t crazy, two, I was not alone, and three, these feelings will pass. The heaviness, the ‘no way out feeling,’ the feeling of hopelessness — all of these will pass. That’s what I needed to know in those moments.
You can do work to feel better over the course of time.
I’ve been able to work with and help so many people, emotionally and spiritually, all around the planet and even being a person who does this for a living, I can still get into situations where I feel there’s no hope for the future. But because I now know the strategies that help me get out of those feelings, I use them. I reach out and share with someone how I’m feeling. It is a tool and it’s very effective. Most importantly, at keeping me alive.
You have that tool, too. It’s not just me. You can get the help you need. You deserve help. You deserve happiness. You deserve joy and peace.
What were some of the thoughts I was having when I was suicidal and how did I move out of it?
In the times in my life where I was suicidal I would have feelings of negativity and pain. Thoughts of “How am I ever going to get out of this hole?” felt like they were never going to go away. It felt like these emotional difficulties, these real pains in my gut, in my head and in my heart were just never going to leave. So the only way it felt like I could get out of it is to somehow disappear. That was definitely one of the most prevalent thoughts that I always had — was that there was no way out.
And of course, that’s not true. But in the times that I was in those depressive holes or suicidal holes, I couldn’t see otherwise.
I moved out of these thoughts to something more helpful by doing the emotional and spiritual work necessary. Fortunately, before all of that work, I just happened to not pull the trigger or not kill myself in any other way. I was able to just move out of it by allowing a day or two to pass and then feeling better.
Now, I’d say every three to five years I’ll have a depressive hole or a suicidal thought process or tendency. What I tend to do now is use one of my tools — reach out for help. Let somebody know exactly how I’m feeling.
There’s a saying —
Share your pain and it’s cut in half. Share your joy and it’s doubled.
When you reach out and let somebody know how you’re feeling, you automatically feel in your gut and your spirit that you’re not alone and it helps you to feel better. So please reach out.
What are a couple of misconceptions about suicide?
The first misconception about suicide is hinking that people who have suicidal tendencies or thinking about committing suicide are crazy.
That’s completely untrue and it’s also very dismissive. Crazy is a term that you put on to someone who you don’t want to see where they’re coming from so you just dismiss them as crazy.
Guess what? They’re not crazy. They’re just hopeless in that moment. They they don’t see a way out. They’re grief stricken in one form or another. They’re not crazy. Please go deeper. Please think deeper than to dismiss someone with that term.
The second misconception is that people think if someone is suicidal, theycan’t help them. This is a big deal. You might not have the skill set to help them out of the difficulty that they’re walking through, but you do have the skill set to help them get help.
You can help someone get help if they’re in a situation that’s very drastic and are an imminent danger to themselves. Call 911 for them, and let the authorities know that something is going on. If you’re with them and they’re in a conscious state where you can talk to them, you can do that too.
You can be of service. You can help.
What should you do if someone tells you that they are thinking about suicide?
The answer, in my opinion, is to get help with them immediately and don’t leave them by themselves.
If you feel that they’re in imminent danger or they’re going to cause themselves harm right then and there, call 911 or the Suicide Hotline.
Most often, people who attempt suicide tell someone first. It’s preventable. You can help them. There’s safety in numbers and help in group energy.
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If you or someone close to you is thinking about committing suicide, please call the Suicide Hotline now. 1-800-273–8255 or 988 on your phone. If you have questions, you can always email me yancy@yancyberry.com. I’m here to be of service. I’m here to help.
May God, Universe, Spirit bless you and I wish you every single good thing in this universe.
Yancy
Addiction Recovery Specialist
www.yancyberry.com
#NationalSuicidePreventionMonth
