I’m not going to lie, I have been one of those people who have seen a bottle of antidepressants in someone’s house and cringed and thought, “Oh god. What is wrong with them? They seem so normal. What is so wrong in their life that they gotta take these?”
I guess that’s the power of stigma because I never saw myself as abnormal for feeling depressed every month; and never once considered taking an antidepressant. Antidepressants are for mentally unstable and weird people.
I’ve been trying to be open and casually tell close friends that I am taking Prozac so that I can talk freely about this experience and how it feels. Writing this though, I feel uncomfortable and worried about what other people will think. I don’t want people to treat me differently or “gently” like I’m sensitive. And perhaps I’m oversharing. But I’ve always been about being vulnerable and open, and if I’m not open about this, who will be? The shamefulness and embarrassment I feel saying that I’m taking Prozac shows me exactly why I need to write this in the first place.
So, hullo, it’s me, Ellis, and I’ve been taking Prozac for exactly 10 days.
Here’s how it happened:
I went to the psychiatrist for the first time. I was really nervous going into it so, being me, I googled everything about going to the psychiatrist for the first time, most importantly, “Is it okay to cry at your psychiatrist appointment?” (it is but people usually don’t is what I found)
As I got to the appointment, I promised to be honest and tell the truth about absolutely everything. But it was much harder than I thought talking about sensitive topics to a stranger who doesn’t know you. I was trying really hard to communicate my feelings and past actions while trying to assure her that I’m a critical thinker and not crazy. I feel like I can’t tell if she thinks I’m smart or crazy but I can say that this experience was truly nothing special besides that I’m trying out Prozac under her recommendation.
Entries from my 10 Days of Prozac:
Day 1: I am going to have a fucking panic attack. I’m so scared of taking this shit. I am going to cry, oh my fucking god. I’m scared it is going to make me suicidal, feel wack, decrease my sex drive, that I’m going to be dependent on it, that I’ll feel like a zombie.
… Okay, so I’ve taken it and it’s like I can’t worry? I don’t feel any of the inhibitions in taking this tomorrow like I did today? It’s like looking at all my negative emotions in a glass box. I know they’re there but I can’t feel them at all.
Day 2: Good news. Sex drive has remained intact. Good news part 2: Everything was chill… maybe tooooo chill. Last night, a friend said I seemed normal, just a little high. And just for a second it really made me want to stop taking it. I could feel that I wanted to cry but then immediately as if nothing happened, the urge to cry and all the negative feelings just vanished. This shit is wild.
Day 3: A friend is taking one with me for solidarity. He doesn’t feel anything different except that he feels more awake. I guess that’s why they tell you to take it in the morning, so it doesn’t keep you up at night.
Day 4: My friend says it made him feel gloomy now that he’s not taking it. He has a weird head feeling and reoccurring thoughts and anxieties about things he needs to get done. It makes me really worried for when I stop taking these.
Day 5, 6, and 7: I feel like I’ve gotten used to it now. Before it was hard adjusting to feeling perfectly happy all of the time. I felt like I was being really extra and annoying and to be honest I still lowkey feel like I am. It’s really hard to reign it in and try to sort out what actions are me and what actions are the freaking druuuuuugs.
Day 8: Dude, I had a dream that felt like a regular day. A regular day without the pills. And it felt very familiar, I felt more normal (though I could feel things like anxiety and sadness again) and it kind of made me miss it. It kind of made me want to stop taking these lil shits.
Day 9 and 10: So the whole reason I started taking these is because the doctors think I have PMDD. Basically, I’m perfectly chill in my regular day to day life, but as soon as my period time rolls around, I get abnormally depressed and to be honest, suicidal. So anyway, this is supposed to help with that.
Today, was the first time I felt even remotely close to my PMS time feelings. I’m pretty sure I should be PMSing right now since this is around my usual time of the month. And typically during my PMS, I begin to feel hopeless and sad and cry before I go to sleep. But PROZAC is making it so I feel the feelings … but I don’t. I feel the urge to cry but I can’t. And it might sound not that big of a deal, but it’s fucking frustrating. It makes me want to claw at my skin. It’s like I don’t have full control of my body.
Here’s my best analogy: Picture you’re wearing latex gloves. As you wear the gloves longer and longer, your hands start to get warm and a lil sweaty. Imagine you wear these gloves for a really long time. Your hands are really sweaty. You know you’re hands are sweaty. You can maybe even see from outside the gloves that there is moisture inside. It’s uncomfffyyy. Makes you want to take off the gloves so your hands can dry and cool off doesn’t it? That’s sort of how it feels. I want to take the gloves off because I can feel that I want to cry but I’m physically unable to.
(Here’s a really amazing link explaining how I feel perfectly: https://www.refinery29.com/2017/11/180470/why-cant-i-cry-antidepressant-side-effects
^TLDR: “At first I found it liberating — it felt as though the medication was working. But, over time, it became frustrating. I had all of the emotions ready and waiting to make me cry; I even got that little tickle in my throat that signaled I was about to cry. In many ways, I had the physiological response without the satisfaction of a tear.” ‘I’D CRY, BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE OF MY ANTIDEPRESSANT’ )
In conclusion,
This was just 10 days and I still have 20 more to go in this test run. I haven’t decided if I still want to keep taking these. I swore to myself that I’d give these a try through my period so I’m going to try my best to keep taking them!
I hope seeing my exact and honest experience is helpful for someone out there that is worried or scared to see a psychiatrist or take antidepressants (I am neither advocating to take them or not take them since I don’t even know for myself!!). Or maybe someone can even relate to my experience and also takes them as well! Feel free to message me with any questions or stories about your own experience ❤ I’d love some solidarity!
We’ll see what my treatment will be like in the future! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week!
