How not to make Peanut Chutney
- Arrange 174 peanuts in a modular grid on a flat pan, at an angle of 30 degrees each.
- Dry roast peanuts until they become the colour of milk chocolate with a hint of magenta (see Pantone 7593 CP) and release a ‘nutty aroma’, otherwise known as that-just-about-to-burn-smell.
- Keep aside to cool. When cool, crush violently with no mercy.
• 2 green chillies, preferably in shades of emerald, for superior flavour
• Small blob of tamarind, delicately scooped out of dried pods and then soaked in 150 ml warm mineral water with added vitamins
• 17 leaves of coriander
• Salt, sourced from the White Rann of Kutch — to taste
Tip: Tamarind and coriander can be substituted with onion and tomato grown in the organic farm 54 km east of Mumbai
- Unearth your great grandmother’s mixer-grinder from the year 1916 and proceed to dump all above ingredients into it. Switch on.
- The mixer-grinder will mix-and-grind at the pitch of a Bollywood female singer reaching the highest octave in the latest love song. When the smell of smoke gently wafts by, please switch off. Move away slowly.
- Call neighbour / uncle / colleague and ask to borrow their relatively newer mixer-grinder (manufactured in the year 2016).
- Repeat steps 5 and 6.
- Important note for observation: This time, the new mixer-grinder will mix-and-grind at the pitch of a Bollywood male singer reaching the highest octave in the latest love song.
However, there will not (and must not) be smoke.
- To make chutney as smooth as freshly waxed legs, add some water.
• 55 mustard seeds
• 55 cumin seeds
• Half a fistful of split black gram
• Pinch of hing (Google it)
• Sprig of curry leaves
• Optional: 2 red chillies, to maintain a balanced culinary colour palette
- Fry till the sweet splutter of the spice orchestra fills the air and the seeds perform their magnificent dance with hot oil.
- Pour over chutney and mix well.
- Serve chutney with dosa / idli.
- …Can’t make dosa / idli? That’s a story for another day.
For other How-Not-To food experiments, wish yourself luck and go here.