How not to make Peanut Chutney

  1. Arrange 174 peanuts in a modular grid on a flat pan, at an angle of 30 degrees each.
  2. Dry roast peanuts until they become the colour of milk chocolate with a hint of magenta (see Pantone 7593 CP) and release a ‘nutty aroma’, otherwise known as that-just-about-to-burn-smell.
  3. Keep aside to cool. When cool, crush violently with no mercy.
  4. Collect:
    • 2 green chillies, preferably in shades of emerald, for superior flavour
    • Small blob of tamarind, delicately scooped out of dried pods and then soaked in 150 ml warm mineral water with added vitamins
    • 17 leaves of coriander
    • Salt, sourced from the White Rann of Kutch — to taste
    Tip: Tamarind and coriander can be substituted with onion and tomato grown in the organic farm 54 km east of Mumbai
  5. Unearth your great grandmother’s mixer-grinder from the year 1916 and proceed to dump all above ingredients into it. Switch on.
  6. The mixer-grinder will mix-and-grind at the pitch of a Bollywood female singer reaching the highest octave in the latest love song. When the smell of smoke gently wafts by, please switch off. Move away slowly.
  7. Call neighbour / uncle / colleague and ask to borrow their relatively newer mixer-grinder (manufactured in the year 2016).
  8. Repeat steps 5 and 6.
  9. Important note for observation: This time, the new mixer-grinder will mix-and-grind at the pitch of a Bollywood male singer reaching the highest octave in the latest love song.
    However, there will not
    (and must not) be smoke.
  10. To make chutney as smooth as freshly waxed legs, add some water.

For tempering

  1. Collect:
    • 55 mustard seeds
    • 55 cumin seeds
    • Half a fistful of split black gram 
    • Pinch of hing (Google it)
    • Sprig of curry leaves
    Optional: 2 red chillies, to maintain a balanced culinary colour palette
  2. Fry till the sweet splutter of the spice orchestra fills the air and the seeds perform their magnificent dance with hot oil.
  3. Pour over chutney and mix well.
  4. Serve chutney with dosa / idli.
  5. Can’t make dosa / idli? That’s a story for another day.

fin.


For other How-Not-To food experiments, wish yourself luck and go here.