No bandages, no pain?
It was seven years ago. I suffered from a L4-L5 disc prolapse that was preventing me from walking properly. The wound wasn’t visible. For all those who enquired about my health, I explained about the squishy disc in my lumbar spine that was pressing on to my nerves. No one got it because they couldn’t see what was wrong, there were no bandages, there was no blood stain. My friends casually advised me — “Do some stretches, it’ll go away. Even I have back pain”. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them what I had was not merely ‘back pain’.
Seven years later…
It still causes me mild discomfort but I’ve learnt to live with it. This post is not about my physical pain. I’m going through a similar discomfort right now but it’s not physical.
Mental health — a topic I may not be qualified enough to talk about. But I am qualified enough to talk about what’s happening within my head. I can say that there are times that I’m not mentally fit to do things that people around me expect me to do. I sometimes wonder — will the same people expect me to do the same things if they see my lying down in bed with my bandages on? It is exactly how sick I feel inside my head but how do I convey that message without coming across as a rude insensitive person?
I am guilty of spending time on my own a lot but I wouldn’t say that I’m an unfriendly person. I enjoy spending time with people. But there are times when I do things that make others feel I’m rude. There are times I don’t pick up my phone even when I see someone calling me. I don’t respond to text messages or emails at times, even when I’ve seen them. I sometimes bail out of meetings because I don’t ‘feel’ like going out. I don’t go meet my friends or relatives even at their time of need. I stay shut inside my room and won’t come out to talk to my parents at times. There are times when I work from home, on my own in my room.
These are the times that I think I feel mentally sick. I feel the strong need to rest my brain, just like I felt the need to rest my back during my L4-L5 prolapse days. Back then, my doctor made it very clear that I absolutely /need/ to stay in bed for few days in order to recover my physical health. Everyone supported me and understood when I didn’t pick up phone calls, didn’t go and meet them and my boss understood when I didn’t turn up for work.
Why the double standards?
I wish mental health was also approached the same way. I’m a sales guy, I spend most of my day talking to customers. If I catch a cold or have a sore throat, it is very easy for me to be excused from work that day. But there are times when I just can’t take one more phone call. I dread having that conversation with my boss so I end up forcing myself and going beyond my limits. It leaves me exhausted. I love talking to people, just not all the time.
I wish I lived in a world where “I don’t feel like doing this now” is treated the same way as “I’ve caught a cold” or “I’m down with fever”. To me, they’re both sickness and need to be treated the same way.
I don’t even know if what I’m going through right now is mental illness. We’re used to associating words like ‘mental illness’ or ‘mental health’ with serious mental diseases or disorders but it doesn’t have to be so. Physical illness varies from fever to fractures, why can’t mental illness also be something that’s momentary?
I want to end with this. Just because there are no bandages, it doesn’t mean there is no suffering. I also apologise to everyone whose expectations I did not meet, I’m sorry I just didn’t feel like it.
