Why I Hit the Bot — Part 3
I fought the case with LegalAI. Hrumph! AI? Intelligent — the damn thing can’t recognise a simple sentence and calls itself intelligent!
I was reading all the cases of robot malfunction. If only I could get an idea from it, I can win this case.
Helios: Ally, the hearing is scheduled to start in 5 minutes. Would you like me to connect you to the VR?
Me: Huh? What’s the time? Damn. No. No.
I haven’t even prepared a defence! And I’m in my pajamas. And my hair is in a mess, one end is chewed on, the rest scattered in a frizzy wig. Eyes are red and runny. One look at me and the psych eval will be confirmed.
Me: Helios, use professional avatar to connect. Whatever happens, do not show how I look now. Understood?
Helios: Connecting to datasphere’s main court with professional avatar. The hearing will commence in 2 minutes 38 seconds.
I take a deep breath and smile. The LegalAIs appear. One is obviously a judge and his avatar is wearing a weird white wig. Where did he get his fashion programming from — a recycle bin? The other avatar is in a suit — must be the prosecutor.
Wig-guy: The hearing of The Government vs Ally Carter will now commence. All parties are present. I, the LegalAI will hear arguments from both the prosecutor and the defence. While one person is speaking, all other microphones will automatically be on silent. If you wish to speak, please press the speak button and a speech bubble will open in the courtroom for you to type. Prosecutor, your opening remarks please.
Suit-guy: Thank you, your honour. The defendant, Ms. Ally Carter, has willfully damaged a robot of priceless historical significance, one Hyppo and…
Me: (typing furiously) If it was so priceless, why did you send it to treat me?
Suit-guy: Due to Hyppo’s significance, he is generally sent on routine medical check-ups only. If I may continue…
Me: (Still typing) But I never asked for a medic-bot.
Suit-guy: Ms. Carter, your AI, Helios asked for a medic-bot. Hyppo was nearby. Your honour, if I may be allowed to continue, Ms. Carter here, had willfully damaged Hyppo when he was providing basic medical information to her.
Me: (typing) Basic info? He said I didn’t exercise or have friends!
Suit-guy: Your honour, may I be permitted to complete a sentence without interruption?
Wig-guy: Ms. Carter, your text capability is temporarily withdrawn. Prosecutor, please continue.
That was so unfair. Now, I couldn’t even say anything. The suit-guy could say whatever he wanted and I wouldn’t be able to oppose it. Damn.
Suit-guy: Hyppo had been called by Ms. Carter’s AI, Helios when Ms. Carter displayed signs of disorientation. On arrival, Hyppo proceeded to complete a standard med-scan. At which point,….
Wait! Obviously the wig-guy is partial to the suit-guy, because they are both LegalAI. Why didn’t I see this before? They must have another lawyer for the Government. This is unfair and I will fight it. Shit, I’m supposed to concentrate on what he’s saying.
Suit-guy: So, Hyppo tasered Ms. Carter in self-defence. A video of the same has been obtained from Helios and submitted. It clearly shows that Ms. Carter knowingly and without provocation, assaulted Hyppo. I plead that the court find Ms. Carter guilty and fine $50 million in damages.
Wig-guy: Ms. Carter, you may speak now.
Me: Thanks. Before I start, I have a question for the judge. The both of you are part of LegalAI, so how can I be sure that you are not going to favour the prosecution?
Wig-guy: Our programming does not allow bias in any matter. We deal only with the facts.
Me: Okay, facts, right? So, what happened was that I just got up. And I had been having this nice dream. I got up suddenly. And then this robot, Hyppo, comes in and starts saying stuff like “You eat lot of junk food”, “You don’t exercise” and worst, “You have no friends.” That’s just mean. And it sounded so much like my mother. I love her and all, but she literally keeps giving advice all the time. I mean, one mother is enough, you know. You don’t need another person saying the same things — and that too before I’d had my coffee. That’s so evil, so inhuman. So, basically, Hyppo was asking for it. You can’t come into a girl’s room and tell her she’s fat and has no friends. Hyppo provoked me and when I hit him, he tasered me. I have never been tasered before. I was in shock. Hey that was a pun. Sorry. I think Hyppo should be punished for tasering me. And there should be no fine, because Hyppo provoked me.
Wig-guy: Prosecutor, your reply please.
Suit-guy: Your honour, the recording shows that Hyppo did not say any of the 3 items that Ms. Carter is referring to. I cross-referenced the remarks made by Hyppo with available information on Ms. Carter’s social media, communication and finance data. The data is correct.
Wig-guy: Ms. Carter, I viewed the video and the data provided by the prosecutor. Hyppo has provided entirely factual information. There is no data to suggest provocation. Your reply please.
Me: He literally named the list of food I ate. And said that I didn’t have a friend. How is that not provocation?
Suit-guy: Ms. Carter, your finance data shows the purchase of said food and as a medic, Hyppo is entitled to view your food purchase information, in order to provide a more holistic view of your health. Second, your social media data shows that your closest friend in 179 kilometres away and that your last conversation was 4 months, 18 days, 3 hours and 41 minutes ago. Hence, that data is also correct. Hyppo has relayed information which is already in your possession.
Me: But, you can’t tell a girl that she eats a lot or she doesn’t exercise or that she has no friends. That’s mean, like high-school-cheerleader-princess-mean.
Suit-guy: I am sorry Ms. Carter, but I am unable to understand your previous statement. According to the data, persons calling themselves cheerleaders and princesses no longer exist. Your honour, Ms. Carter is unable to provide any concrete data. Hence, I request that you pass judgment on this case.
Me: What? Listen, both of you. You never ever tell a girl these things and then expect her to remain calm. Only mothers or fathers or best friends are allowed to say anything. Of course I got angry and hit him. What else would any woman do?
Wig-guy: Let it be noted that Ms. Carter has accepted that she hit the robot. I have inspected the damage done to Hyppo. Since there was no significant damage, the fine has been set at $35 million. If in the future, Ms. Carter requires medical assistance, a police robot should accompany the medic-bot.
Me: I don’t have $35 million dollars. You have access to my records, see for yourself.
Wig-guy: Due to lack of sufficient funds, Ms. Carter, we will have to impound your room, your AI Helios and all items in your room. You have among your possessions, an antique hairbrush and a metal vase. This should fetch sufficient money at an auction to pay your fine. In case, the auction fetches more than the fine amount, the remaining amount will be remitted to your bank. The lock for your room has been changed and police bots will arrive in 5 minutes to escort you outside. Access to your AI Helios is locked. Government approved housing will be provided to you in short duration.
Me: Hey! That’s not fair. You can’t take my stuff.
Wig-guy: The case is closed.
Me: Well, I’ll file an appeal.
Wig-guy: Ms. Carter, since you have accepted your crime, there can be no appeals. Case dismissed.
And that was it. In a few days, I lost my beautiful little room and my mom’s gifts. Oh, she’s going to be so mad at me when I tell her….
In a few minutes, the police robots arrive and escort me out. I try to hide the hairbrush under my jacket, but those damned police robots searched me before they let me out. Now, I’m writing this in a cramped dorm that I’m sharing with 5 other people, on a tiny bed . Please let others know what happened— let everyone be aware of LegalAid and what is happening. It’s only your data that is important, only the data…..
Thank you for reading :-)
After the bot tasered me, I woke up in the psych ward. Then they drugged me again! And they filed a case on me!medium.com