An Apology
Let me make a disclaimer before I dig in. This isn’t a plea for pity in the disguise of an apology. This isn’t me self loathing, or even attempting to beat myself up. I have received a lot grace for who I used to be and what I used to believe. Everyday I learn better how to extend grace to myself and trust that my journey is still underway.
“We came forth from God, we return to God — everything in between is a lesson. Hopefully, it is a lesson in surrendering to love.” Richard Rohr
Being willing to have been (or to be) wrong? This is a part of my journey — my surrendering to love.
I used to believe ‘Total Depravity’ was a biblically sound doctrine, central to our understanding of the gospel and the teachings of Jesus.
Augustine’s “original sin,” Calvin’s “total depravity,” Luther’s “humans are like piles of manure, covered over by Christ.” It sounds insane, right? But I used to believe it. My guess is that they all meant well — I did. But really, these ideas dug a pit so deep that it became nearly impossible that anyone could ever climb out. It was definitely not “good news.”
The implications of this doctrine were, for me, massive. It led me to believe a lot of lies about myself that, inevitably, had to be trumped up with all kinds of fear and insecurity. My view of God was so warped, but my understanding of how he viewed me was worse. I saw God as an angry father who’s wrath had to be satisfied. And I saw myself as someone who was, at his core, filthy — a wretched, vile being whose presence God could not begin to stomach without the blood sacrifice of his perfect son.
No one would ever use this strong of language in our churches or gatherings of course, but that was the tactic of fear employed (or implied) in the doctrine. We could trace this trail of thinking down so many lines of the church’s destructive history — from manipulation and control, greed and corruption, to the church entrenched in systems of power and government — but I’d rather keep it personal.
I believed a lie about who I was. I WAS WRONG.
Do I believe there is a disconnection between who we are and who we ultimately intended to be? Yes. But I now see it as just that, disconnection. It’s why we’re always clamoring and begging and consuming and struggling — because we’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what we were really made for, connection.
I now believe that we are not inherently depraved people, I believe that we get to enjoy inherent union. Our true selves — the truth about who we are in God and who God is in us — is the foundation for true spiritual life and transformation. We have to see and understand our true identity in light of who God says we are, His (or Hers). When we choose to believe the truth about who we really are, the false sense of identity begins to fall away and we can stand securely, lovingly, held by the Creator and Source of all — made perfectly in His image, exactly as intended, temples of the living God — embodying, therefore, the fullness of the Divine in ourselves. Inherent Union.
In this scenario, Jesus didn’t come to save us from his angry father’s wrath, he came to show us how to reconcile our divine, spiritual identity with our humanity. He came to connect. He came to remind us of the truth about who we really are and invite us into perfect COmmunion with the flow of divine life surging within and around us.
The whole thing boils down to what we believe about ourselves.
Do we believe the lie about ourselves — that we are inherently bad?
“The false sense of self easily feels almost constant shame and guilt. It is inherently insecure and afraid, and must dress itself up in all kinds of unworkable ways, even self-destructive ways.” Henri Nouwen
Or do we believe that we have an inherent union with God that is good, that is beautiful, and exactly as intended?
in·her·ent
inˈhirənt,inˈherənt/
adjective
existing in something as a permanent, essential, or characteristic attribute.
“any form of mountaineering has its inherent dangers”
synonyms:intrinsic, innate, immanent, built-in, indwelling, inborn, ingrained, deep-rooted; More
LAW
vested in (someone) as a right or privilege.
If we choose to believe that God made us in “their” image, made us as temples to embody “their” fullness, then we must believe that union is inherent; that it exists in us as a permanent, essential and characteristic attribute. It is vested in us as birthright. It’s who we are!
There is nothing to earn. There is nothing to prove. There is nothing to oppose or protect. Union belongs to us organically according to our native heritage, our divine heritage — we came forth from God, we return to God.
So, here is my apology…
I used to believe some strange and destructive things about God. But I have found grace for my journey. The problem is that I was also given a fairly large stage to express these strange and destructive things about God from (see photo above).
I don’t stay up on random nights staring at the ceiling stressing over the songs I wrote that I no longer agree with doctrinally. I spend more time finding new life in the songs that resonate even deeper within me that somehow found their voice from within the confusion. I do, however, struggle with guilt that I potentially placed an unhealthy burden on folks from that platform, in perpetuating ideas that it would in turn take years to break free from myself.
Now, part of my transformation is learning to trust that if God is big enough for my journey, God is also big enough for yours. That being said, if I EVER contributed to your inability to believe the truth about who you really are — if I fed the lie — I am so, so, so sorry.
Please hear me now. I was wrong.
The true YOU is indestructible. Your identity is divine. You were made perfectly, exactly who God intended for you to be. He/She looks upon you with grace, mercy, compassion and love. You have been chosen to be the light in the world, the city on a hill. You are the face, the hands, the feet, the beauty and embodiment of the Spirit and life of God. You are the fullness of God on the earth, in the flesh — a force of love and light that can effect change in the world around you for good. The better and the quicker you understand the truth about who you are, the better this world will be as a result of your participation in it. We need you!
WE NEED YOU!
And when you are tempted by me, by yourself, by anyone or anything else to believe something different — keep looking for people and places and moments (EXPERIENCES) where YOUR truth is spoken to you and where you can be reminded of your deepest and truest identity…LOVE.
We must opt, consciously, to believe the truth about who we are — over society, culture, doubt, fear, insecurity, feelings, self-rejection. Over education, class, race, family, gender identity, clothes and money — you are love. You are divine. You are inherently good.
My life, my role, my responsibility on earth is to lead you to an experience of your true self — who you are in God and who God is in you.
