When I decided the best thing for me was murder…

I walked into that clinic on October 3rd 2010. I was so scared and alone, I’d always been against abortion. I always told myself if I was ever in those shoes that I would choose life. Yet here I was in the clinic surrounded by young girls some with parents some with friends I had decide to be alone, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my issues. Besides I had only told a handful of people about my pregnancy, so here I was alone in an abortion clinic wishing things could have turned out differently.

They tell you that you are suppose to bring someone to drive you since you will be so drugged up that you wouldn’t be able to drive yourself. I had no one I could confine in. I was pregnant alone and scared. I had no idea what I was doing. The night before I had texted my boyfriend telling him if he was sure about the “decision we” had made. His response was “I’ll support whatever you decide.” But that was obviously not the case I had plans for us to start a family, we were two adults that had made the decision to have sex and we both knew what the possible consequences could be yet when I told him I was pregnant he proceeded to leave the state.

I cried so many nights asking God to help me, to lead me, to show me the path I was suppose to follow. I was so afraid to tell my parents about this pregnancy (even though they were younger when they were pregnant with me). One night I thought of the “best idea,” I could give my baby up for adoption and I knew the perfect people!

A couple from my church had struggled with having kids and I thought maybe they’d want to adopt my baby and still allow me to visit every once in a while. I proceeded to texting her this really long message. I didn’t have the guts to actually call her let alone see her face to face. Within a few minutes I received a call from her telling me that it wasn’t in their best interest to adopt my child. She didn’t really give me a reason but in my heart I knew that they didn’t want a half black baby. I remember sitting in my closet crying asking God why I was going through this, I didn’t understand!

A few weeks later I picked up the phone and called the abortion clinic to ask for an appointment. The following week I was in the clinic to check how far along I was. As I laid in that table I thought maybe my boyfriend would call me to tell me he changed his mind, maybe I wouldn’t have to go through this. But no phone call came. The ultrasound technician asked if I wanted to see the FETUS but I refused because if I laid eyes on him I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. I was sent to the waiting area which was odd to me but I went and waited. When I was called back to speak with the counselor she proceeded to tell me that I was 16 weeks and 4 days and they would have to charge me another 100 dollars. I had no financial help from my boyfriend and no job. They told me they would give me three days to come up with the money but once I was farther than 17 weeks they would have to send me to a different clinic and they would have to charge me more.

I called one of my church “friends” and asked if I could borrow the money, he agreed but told me I had to repay him back in sexual favors. At this moment of my life I was so confused so hurt and so desperate that I agreed. I laid in that bed crying while he began to penetrate me over and over again and I prayed for death because I felt so unworthy and filthy. The next day I called the abortion clinic told them I had the money so they told me to come in the next day. I went in by myself again and was one of the first ones to be taken back and they told me to get undressed and lay on the table. A few minutes later a nurse came in and asked me if I was ready, I nodded yes and she inserted the needle and hooked me up to the anesthesia. When I woke up I felt weak and in pain from my waist down…

It was done, I was no longer pregnant. The next few nights were the hardest, I had nightmares of a tiny baby being cut up into pieces crying in agonizing pain and I kept trying to go to him but I kept falling and could never reach him.

I was never the same after this, my life was never the same. I woke up everyday with regrets and with pain and with worthlessness…

to be continued……