How To Let Go of Who You Think You Are
“Waking up to who you really are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts.
Who are you? How do you describe yourself? To answer these questions, you will have to refer to your history and think about different “labels” of yourself that you have collected over time. I’m shy, I’m lazy, I’m not confident, or how about just fill in the blank- I’m _______ .

We live in a society that ‘lives off’ of labels. Labels help you to define yourself and connect with others that define themselves with similar labels as yours.
But that’s not the only thing lables are good for. Labels are also good at making you avoid taking responsibility. It’s easy to use labels because it gives you an intellectual excuse to remain the same. ‘If this is who I was until today, that means this is how i’m going to continue to be’. Sounds logical, no?
Nope, it’s not logical at all. All your self cancelling labels do, is enable you to avoid the hard work and risk, of trying to change.
A few months ago, I was working with a client who had a very hard time letting go of the image she had of herself as a shy introvert. For the first while she kept on repeating ‘But, this is just the way I am’.
Here is a small part of the conversation when things started to change for her:
Me: How do you know that’s the way you are?
Her: My whole life I’ve been like this.
Me: You never had a time that you didn’t act shy?
Her: Next to my friends I’m not shy.
Me: And what if you will start acting not shy once a day, for the next year, would you still be shy?
Her: I would probably be less shy than I am now.
Me: Bingo!
Ok. I didn’t really say bingo. But the second she realized she could change by putting in the work, her journey towards getting rid of her label of herself as a shy person, began.
The limitless circle of ‘I AM’
The main problem with self cancelling labels, is that they end up supporting the belief that the label is plain truth. It goes something like this:
I’m shy>> Hey there is an old friend, I think I will approach him>> No! I can’t..>> Why not?>> because>> I’m shy>> And repeat.
But in real life you could decide to get rid of the label anywhere in the circle by acting differently or by changing the belief about it. Then it will go something like this.
I’m shy>> Hey there is an old friend, I think I will approach him>> up until now, I’ve behaved in a shy way, but no more.>> I approach him>> Now is when you realize that you could act differently.

But, to be honest, I understand where your belief that the label is ‘just a fact’ came from. For years you’ve been wanting to change and to improve yourself, but you just can’t seem to do it. Maybe it’s your shyness, maybe it’s your lack of confidence, or maybe you might even think you are not a worthy human being. But I’m sure if you really believed you had no hope, and who you were until today has to be who you will be tomorrow, you wouldn’t be reading this article.
So now it’s your turn to be honest with yourself. Have you really put in all the work and energy necessary to change? Or did you give up on yourself the second some discomfort or frustration kicked in.
The point is, besides the fact that giving up doesn’t get you any closer to the goal, the fail itself feeds the original belief and makes the self- cancelling label even stronger. It ‘proves’ to you that what you believe is actually true. But it’s not. At least if you decide that from now on you are proving it wrong.
Understanding the origins of the ‘I am’s’
All of your labels which describe self- cancelling behaviour, could be traced to something you learned about yourself in the past.
There are two ways in which the “Im’s” are created. The first way is through other people. These labels were attached to you as a child, and you carry them around with you until this day. And the second way in which these labels are created, is by your own experiences. These labels are the result of a choice you made to keep from having to do uncomfortable or difficult tasks.
Here are the four most common sentences you say as an explanation why you will never be different, and never ever consider changing. You might use only one of them, you might use two, and you might even use all four in one breath.
- “Thats me”
- “I’ve always been that way”
- “I can’t help it”
- “That’s my nature”
When I started TheKeyTo, I had no idea how to write. One afternoon, I sat down for coffee with a close friend, and I was talking to him about my struggles of writing, and even though I’m currently writing, I was never good at it. At a certain point in the conversation, I actually found myself saying these following words: ‘I’ve always been this way’.

When you say any of the four sentences above you may believe it at the moment, but what you are really saying is: “…. And I intended to continue being the way I’ve always been”. You are thereby underestimating your power to change.
This was a turning point for me, I decided to change.
How to get rid of self- cancelling Im’s
The rewards you get for hanging on to your past, can be summed up into one word: avoidance.
Whenever you want to dodge a certain task or ignore taking care of a personality defect, you can always justify yourself with an ‘I am’. You’re scared to speak in public? Just say you are not good in public speaking and you can avoid the challenge. You’re scared to go on a date? Just say you are not good at dates and you won’t need to put yourself out there. The problem with this approach is, that eventually, if not already, you are going to feel limited in your abilities, weak, and full of self hate towards yourself.
Getting rid of your labels is extremely challenging. Right now you truly believe it when you say: ‘This is who I really am’. And that’s the problem. The goal is to be able to let go of as many labels as possible. But that could only be done by proving to yourself that you can be different than how you currently view yourself. It won’t help for you to convince yourself that you are not shy, because all the evidence you have until now proves to you that you are shy. You need to begin to step out of your comfort zone and to start proving yourself wrong every time such a label shows up.
Eventually, when you’ve broken enough labels of yourself in your life, you will begin to be able to detach from labels very easily. You will begin to transform yourself and challenge your labels so often, that your labels will follow your goals and dreams, and not how it is now, where your goals and dreams follow your labels.
You could begin to untie the ropes that link you to your past by using the following strategy:
- Eliminate ‘I am’ whenever you can. Replace the ‘I am’ with sentences such as: ‘until today I’ve chosen to be that way’, or, ‘I used to label myself as…’.

Anytime you find yourself falling into an “I am” trap, you need to understand that you have a choice to change, and to disconnect yourself from that “I am”.
So for example, a young man or woman who believe that they are shy, from now on would change their sentence from, “I’m shy,” to “Up until now, I’ve behaved in a shy way.”
This simply puts into your awareness the fact that your shyness (or any other “I’m” you pick) is not science, and is changeable by proving those labels the opposite.
It’s definitely easier to describe yourself with a label than to change. But I know you are better than that. During your journey getting rid of your labels, have the following in mind at all times: Leaving the past behind involves taking risks. There is no way to avoid this. Any ‘I’m’ that keeps you from growing, is a blocking obstacle that has to be removed. But if you must have an I’m, try this one: “I’m an -I’m remover.”
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