This essay gave me chills down my spine. It hurts just to read what you are going through right now, I can’t image the pain of actually experiencing these struggles… The line about not having energy to maintain relationships because you took them for granted really hit me, because I have been feeling this way recently too. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have any relationships at all because I know I will end up hurting whoever.
I do hope that you find meaningful things in life again. It’s going to be hard but give yourself time. Do things you haven’t tried. Go on trips. Do something extreme like bungee jumping. I’m sure you can find something.
And please do, keep writing.