My Relationship with my MIND
Conflict with my Beginner’s Mind-in-YOGA and Expert’s Mind-in-YOGA, as I journey through my Yoga-Teacher Training.
Yoga is the process of replacing Old-patterns, with new and more appropriate-patterns. ~T. Krishnamacharya
Lived experiences and Journey over 12 months of my Yoga Teacher Training, from KYM Chennai (Krishnamacharya Yoga Mandiram) & SKWC, Bangalore.
Reflecting on the 1 year journey, so far.
On June 26th 2021 (about 375 days ago), my journey to become a Yoga Teacher started. I have written about the first 5–6 months experience here.
As I complete 12 months, there are some hits and misses, and I share here my own personal experience of some strong-and-universal patterns that can entangle a budding Yoga-teacher. Suffice to say that the past 6 months have been very testing of my commitment to Yoga and my Yoga-teacher journey. I have been physically-injured and mentally-scarred multiple times (due to my own over-enthusiasm, even though Non-violence towards the body-breath-and-mind are reinforced each day and in each practice).
Injuries, Set-backs, Challenges and Self-doubts in Module-2 (2nd Semester) — HEYA
Physical injuries, as I rationalize, happened, because we were in the middle of an Omicron wave of Covid-19, in Jan-Feb 2022 in India, and as we were learning many modifications-and-intensifications of Asanas (postures), all ONLINE. The parinama (change/modification or resultant-outcome) for an over-zealous zealot like me, however was felt OFFLINE. I tried things beyond my capacity (Yatha-Shakti) and paid some price (luckily I did not damage anything seriously, but it did hamper my progress quite a bit).
So what are the mental-scars? There were atleast 5–6 fellow aspirants who dropped out of the course in our 2nd Semester, amplifying my own doubts and testing-my-shradda (conviction) to continue the journey. Professional-work not withstanding, the lures-and-pressures of OTHER-priorities of LIFE also meant that the remaining 10 of us, were not really doing enough group-study and sharing. So, there was a sense of isolation and loneliness feeling, which left emotional-scars. My relationship with my Mentor did not blossom too. So I really felt orphaned at times. ONLINE mode made me feel quite saturated, as I ran through a tough schedule, and an equally deep study of many subjects. Lastly, failing in Viva-voce, in my recent Module-2 exam, which I thought I was better prepared for, and the fact that 7 out of the 10-of-us failed, has left some deep scar-tissues.
CHILD-MAN Strikes: The struggles-and-joys of an ardent-student (the-child), but a reluctant-teacher (the-man) — HETU
Child-man is an identity pattern discussed by psychologists and psycho-analysts where the individual struggles with, the simultaneity of “pursuit of prowess” as a learner or child, AND “emotional fragility” of showing-up as a man, in any discipline (especially as a performer/teacher or adult).
Beginner’s Mind and the CHILD
More than a year has passed in my YTT (Yoga-teacher-training) journey, and in another 3–4 months, if all things fall-in-place (touch-wood), I will be a certified-yoga-teacher. However in my mind, I am still a rookie and a newbie-beginner to YOGA, especially with the Asana Practices. A lion’s share of my mind is still a Beginner’s MIND. While I can take refuge in the playfulness attributed to learning of yogic-prowess and that too of an ardent-student, celebrate the innocent-zest to remain curious, the beginners’ mind, however has it’s own traps. It gets too comforting, so I choose to remain a beginner. Reluctance creeps in, to confront the real-world as an ADULT hence, I might seek handicaps, grace-marks or even expect the market-to-cut-some slack. In short, I can use the Beginner’s mind as an excuse and refuge, to not show-up as an EXPERT-in-YOGA or slide-down-further and be a Self-Reluctant Yoga-Teacher.
Expert’s Mind and the MAN
Most Yoga-instructors usually parrot what has been hard-coded in classical-texts or scriptures. While it is well-intentioned and is meant to prevent overzealous modifications, it has the effect of however reducing Yoga-teachers to mere Yoga-instructors. They usually only preach-and-don’t practice their trade-or-discipline themselves. It’s easy to be an ideologue (only an instructor-or-preacher) rather than be an exemplar (serve as a living role-model), when you are an Expert, albeit you come across as a half-cooked expert. However, in my experience Walking-the-Talk is a better way to be an Expert, and showing-up as an ADULT/MAN, who takes accountability for what he teaches/preaches is par-for-the-course. So, my mind is also simultaneously occupied by this Exemplar-Expert’s mind, not just a Beginner’s-mind. The trap of an Ideologue-Expert, is that, he shoots from the shoulders-of-giants, and only quotes the saints, without making any effort to develop his own point-of-view, through lived-experiences of what is preached. This however is detrimental over the long-run, because it will lead to serious complications in the body-mind-complex of the teacher, as he only has vicarious experiences, not real-life-experiences. Personal-practice of Asana, Pranayama and most importantly Dhyana, this combined-integral-practice, is the only safe-guard, for an expert Yoga-teacher, which will in-turn keep the Novelty-and-Curiosity of the Child in him alive.
REPLACING the Child-man Identity Pattern with the YOGA-NARASIMHA pattern — HANAM
Dhyana (meditation) is an awesome practice, especially if you can meditate on your own MIND. It highlights the current relationship with your MIND, and the significant role, MIND plays in everything we do. My current dilemma of co-holding the Beginner’s mind and Expert’s-mind surfaced after a personal-practice session of Dhyana.
Dilemmas and Dichotomies need to be overcome — Tato Dvandva Anabhighataha
One of the significant aspects of Yoga is, it helps overcome known traps-and-patterns, especially the entangled and more subtle dichotomies or dualities. Yoga itself is based on the premise that all dualities need to be JOINED, and ONENESS needs to be achieved, so even this duality of Co-holding the Beginner’s mind and Expert’s-mind, especially when it is experienced as a CHILD-MAN pattern, needs to be replaced. One such pattern for Replacement is embedded in the Prahalada (CHILD) and Hiranyakashipu (MAN) story. The new-identity commissioned by Prahalada (the child who is blissful — ahalada, playful, yet affirmative) is that identity of a Yoga-Narasimha.
Yoga-Narasimha is the identity archetype at the prana-or-energy level that helps us to overcome most false-dichotomies. Yoga-Narasimha symbolizes one who is holding the tenets of YOGA. Yoga-Narasimha breaks all dualities and false-dichotomies like he is Half-Animal (Lion) and Half-Human, he sits on the threshold (like BOTH Inside/Outside), he sits in the liminal-evening (when it is BOTH Day/Night) etc. Only when you can HOLD all polarities in Samasthiti like Yoga-Narasimha and be grounded, can you reach any PEAK, by destroying all hubris-of-expertise (Hiranya-kashipu) and in the process can facilitate the child Pra-halada (peak-pleasure)!
Ever visited a temple, where you have seen Yoga-Narasimha and Sudarshana ChakraTalva both moulded into the same idol?
Su-Darshana means Good-Perspective or Favorable-Perception towards Right-Vision. This is mostly in the foreground, in the background is Yoga-Narasimha. Only when you can HOLD both polarities (Beginner and Expert) in Samasthiti in the background, can you gain Su-Darshana (Good-Perspective or Right Vision) in the foreground. Otherwise you can be mired in Branti-Darshana (Delusions) like Hiranya and his sister Holika (comparisons) and lose-ground (Alabda-Bhoomikatva) in the Polarizations of your mind. Only when you are able to overcome the polarizations, Pra-Halada (like Te Hlada or Intense Pleasure) will be a reality, protected and sustained by Yoga-Narasimha himself.
HALF-CLUTCH the modern reality and instrumentation representing Yoga-Narasimha — UPAYAM
When you are on a Steep learning-curve, and the Phenomenon-of-setbacks and adversities are continuously pulling you back, while you feel like you are sliding-down to a Beginner’s-mind, simultaneously as you strive to move forward with your yogic-practices with an Expert’s-mind, what you really need is a clutch, a half-clutch, isn’t it? This is true with Yogic-practices as well as any wellbeing or success-practices.
Your Half-clutch and revisiting your Relationship with your MIND.
Caught in the downstream of my Module 2 setbacks, and the trap of the Child-man identity pattern of my mind, I discovered my Half-clutch as the instrumentation of Yoga-Narasimha. What is your Half-clutch? Do you have such a upayam (solution) in your practice? Do write your comments below.
