caught in a web: raw thoughts of my depressive days
Sometimes I’m caught in a web. And in those times, trying to resist that silk-spun trap drains me. I know that, when the time is right, I will look back on that time and laugh at the stupid spider.
I want to write a book about my life, and this entry is one step closer to it.
I feel like I need to have an attainable goal in life. I have plenty of unattainable goals. I guess writing will be the personal pursuit of my 21st century dreams.
Fuck. There are flies in my bedroom because I have not taken the trash out since I’ve moved in. Think about when Spring semester starts. That’s right, January. I’ve done laundry once.
I used to be headstrong and I used to believe in myself. I had confidence to the point of error. And now I wonder which is worse…that or this. This? I’ve never been so frail in my life…both metaphorically and literally speaking. I am a person I never thought I would be, and I recognize the baggage of that statement but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.
The worldview I used to have has failed me. And therefore I’m picking up the pieces and trying again, feelings of defeat not-so aside.
I secretly think that I can write well, and I want to know if I have potential as a writer. There is nothing wrong with this, I’m sure. It’s funny how we start out in life, most of us trying an array of activities — ballet, soccer, karate, piano lessons…whatever. Then, as we gain experience, or are 21 like myself, are found trying to put our eggs in the best basket we’ve got. What am I good at, how can I make it out of this life happily? I don’t want to work, that is stupid, and I like having fun more than doing work, but there is a gain of satisfaction and recognition that comes with work, ‘cuz our society has so chosen. Oh and money. I need that I guess. No matter how hard I try and fight it. I don’t know, sue me that I want a beautiful life.
No matter how aware I am of the mundaneness of life, somehow it is impossible for me to stop imagining, stop hoping. It will get better, it has to.