A couple of years back, I stumbled upon an office meme. It was Jim, I think that was his name, explaining something on a whiteboard. Wholesome stuff.
On that fated day, the version I stumbled upon said this, “A phone is a two-way line. If they also wanted to talk to you as much, they’d call.” That just gave me a green card on the people I was waiting for a phone call from back then. If they wanted to talk to me, they’d call, right?
As a teenager, there were ways I idolized and romanticized the process of making friends. I thought I knew a lot. I thought there was an element of self-respect in what I was doing. By not calling I say to myself that I have enough respect and love for myself to not put me in such situations. That if they cared for me they’d call. That I won’t chase after people. I was, evidently, a silly teen (still am till January 11).
As people, and especially as writers, we have a habit of romanticizing ourselves and the pain we experience after the end of a friendship or a relationship. The villain arc, the glow-up arc, hot girl summer — we seem to enter these things for the impending breakup that we sometimes willingly instigate. We don’t know how to maintain human connection.
Luckily since our connections with people are going to be shallow the severance won’t hurt. The flip side is we don’t know the intimacy that comes with a good human connection.
For me, back then and still now, there is always an element of ego. And behind it, there’s an element of fear. I feel like I respect and value myself for not calling. As I’m the prize they should take care of. Behind all that façade there’s the fear of making the move. Fear of letting go of that ego. Fear of the risk and vulnerability that comes with openly seeking closeness. The ego is merely a shield to an afraid child. And I risked losing, and have lost, people to keep that child in its comfort zone.
The thing is that a genuine connection with someone predicates an unconditional commitment to show up and consistent overcoming of one’s self. Simply put get off your high horse and make the call. When I tune out all the content that’s creating a feedback loop and reflect you’ll know. When you ask “Is letting go of this person worth protecting my ego?” “Why am I not calling?”
Because what we often forget is the second alternative ending to this story. What if neither of you makes the call? When you think about it, life has a way of creating distance between people who care about each other. Through fear and lack of communication that distance is misinterpreted as a failure to care and connect. A healthy relationship can and will be broken apart by such things. And all it would take is a phone call.
But indeed there are cases where life creates distance between two people who were already straining to get away from each other. With that new distance comes a sense of relief. And with the content we consume supporting our feelings of not wanting to go back, both parties just flake on each other. Although notice you lose the resolution.
There was no end and you’ll be left with what ifs. “What if I’d apologized,” ”What if I’d said this and not that,” ”What if I’d shown up.” Then what ifs turend into regrets. The regrets will then haunt you for the rest of your life. Fated to be left unresolved.
All that can be solved with a call. A momentary surrender of the ego to be the one who reaches out. And if they come through do not let yourself get in the way of you.
To end this, I’ll tell you a story. It has a better ending than the previous one. Around a year ago two close friends of mine went to Korea on a scholarship. I had found it hard to talk with the other friend and keep contact even when he was here so when he changed continents, I took that as my chance to dip.
The regret was palpable. I spent pages wondering what was wrong. I wrote short stories about a reunion when we were older. Talking about what happened. In the end, it was, as always, fear and pangs of jealousy. Simultaneously, I thought less of him and was jealous.
That mutated what was a good friendship into something I was running away from. So earlier this week I made the “call.” It was more a text than a call. But it’ll lead up to a call. I think things will go well. I’m glad this didn’t become a permanent stain because I care about that guy.
There’s still time. Make the call.
Thanks for your time. Take care.
6:55 AM
