It was 4:00pm. I was sitting in my room but, in my head I was in an emotional jungle and I was stuck in a lagoon of sorrow. First lust, then joy, numbness, jealousy, and finally sadness. The feelings were all too familiar. “I did it again.” I’d confess to my friend during our long distance FaceTime calls. “I had sex.” Saying it felt almost silly “So.” She’s say aloofly. She was used to this too. One day I’d call her ecstatic and embracing my raw sensuality and a week later I would be in tears about the exact same thing. I would crave for physical intimacy when I wasn’t dealing with anybody and I would pray for purity when I was. Sex was a battle I never won. I was always liberal and wanted to live by the motto that my worth not connected to my cervix but when it came down to it I felt like it was. I always felt like I was being robbed when I had sex. The guy would leave feeling little to nothing after he ejaculated and I would be caught up in an emotional whirlwind.
I wasn’t in my feelings about being in a relationship with my partner as many media outlets suggest, I was more in my feelings about other things. Will he respect me after this? What if we break up? Will I look like a hoe? How many bodies are too many? Will he still see me as a wife if I give him wife benefits? My self-conscience subconscious would eat me alive. I had nightmares after I had sex, crying episodes, periods of depression, the cure seemed simple enough- stop having sex. That didn’t work either. I went cold turkey for some months and I was hysterical. Horny was an understatement. I felt a sex demon because I lived, breathed, and desired sex so much. Toys weren’t doing it and neither was four play I wanted the real thing. Upfront, raw, hot, steamy sex.
I tried everything to cope with these feelings, I even gave myself annual “hoe passes” to release all my pent up energy. I couldn’t commit to that for long so I began a long distance relationship with a guy that I’d been dating for a few months. We were official so I thought sex with him would feel great, an emotional release of sorts. Unfortunately, it felt even worse than it did with a partner less deserving because half way through sex I realized I didn’t really like this guy that much.
We broke up a month later and when people asked me what went wrong I simply said distance and communication issues. That sounded a lot better than saying I was so horny that I dated someone I didn’t like in the first place. My pent up sexual energy led me to pursuing a relationship specifically for the uses of sex and even within that relationship sex didn’t feel right. There were few times that it did however. When I lost my virginity to my high school sweet heart or slept with my ex fiancée it was great. There was love there and I didn’t feel robbed when it was all said and done.That’s when I realized I was never being robbed I was robbing myself.
College environments encourage casual sex with no emotional ties and almost looks down on women for developing feelings after sex. But I don’t want sex without feelings. I want to be able to get jealous, to feel comfortable being a little possessive, to desire romance in the midst of love making because that’s what sex is for me. Society tells us sex is condoned in a monogamous relationship but why should those standards control what I do with my vagina? The bible tells us that sex is for marriage only. I toil with this belief because if that were the case why would our bodies be ready at 13 for a commitment our hearts can’t make until we’re in our late 20’s to early 30’s. The idea of celibacy in modern day society goes against nature. So I decided that I just want to say no until I’m ready. I’m tired of suppressing the evitable feelings I have attached to sex or developing cobwebs while I wait for marriage. I’ve decided to simply say no until I find that earth-shattering, spine tingling, God given feeling I deserve and desire. I’m picking myself out of the lagoon and returning to reality where I can stand strong and firm in my decision. Not society standards, or religious guru’s decisions but my own.