I always wanted to be a man. Not in the literal sense, I was comfortable in my body and with my gender identity but I wanted to be a man for the perks of it. I coveted the idea of physical and political power, higher earning potential, the ability to patiently navigate life without worrying about romance or settling down and starting a family (because for that to happen all a man has to do is pop the question and bust a nut). Life would be simple if I was a man. The world would be my oyster and perhaps the best part of it all is that, I would have my female counterparts there waiting on me hand and foot with their sole purpose in life being to enhance mine.
Being a woman on the other hand was difficult. You come into the world having to meet expectations in order to be seen as worthy or to achieve fulfillment. You must be attractive, charming nurturing, catering, docile, agreeable, poised, and above all else attentive to the needs of men. Your identity is not connected to your career or achievements but to your ability to enhance a man’s life. Even when a woman becomes married her own name is changed to the mans, metaphorically erasing who she is and making her nothing more than an accessory to his life.
I always considered myself a feminist. I knew that women could achieve amazing things and that we were powerful deep beings responsible for raising the next generation of world leaders however I also knew that I was brainwashed. From the time I was a little girl I dreamed of a white wedding to my prince charming and sailing off into happily ever after. I dreamed of having beautiful children and being a loving nurturing caretaker. I dreamed of being fulfilled not by changing the world, or through my professional endeavors, but by being of service to my man.
Even while I was a young woman pursuing my undergraduate studies I oftentimes sat with my friends and gawked at single women. “ She can’t keep a man.” “She doesn’t even do x,y,z for her man…” “I cook and clean for my man he’s never going anywhere.” These mantras were what we lived by. We were “wifey” type because we had the ability to please men and by pleasing men we pleased ourselves because our sense of self was intimately connected to being wanted. Eventually my narrow-minded way of thinking caught up with me and after several unhealthy relationships and some much needed self-reflection, I finally realized all the bullshit the patriarchy was force feeding me, I was finally “woke”.
No I don’t have to smile for men. No my purpose in life is not to please and accommodate men. No my worth is not attached to my cervix. Yes I am a woman. Yes, I am powerful. Yes I will change the world. My new mantras gave me a whole new lease on life and allowed me to walk in confidence and power of my being. Despite my beliefs, time went on and I got bitter. Regardless of my understanding of patriarchy and the social influences of my desires I still had them. In the back of my head I would always be jealous of men. Why do they get to wake up one day and decide to be married while women have to passively wait in hopes of being chosen? Why do they get to be unattractive and still sought afterwards? Why do they get to be happy now while I have to wait until I’m a Mrs or a mother? Why me? I felt like a victim. As if it isn’t enough that I have to walk around feeling defenseless against men who seek to physically hurt me I also feel defenseless against the critic in my own psyche when I’m not accomplishing what I should be as a woman. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it…I wanted to be a man.
One night I had a conversation with God. I asked him why he made me a woman. I expressed to him how frustrated I was and how I felt like my entire being existed solely to accommodate and appease men. “They don’t love us God, they only love what we can do for them!” I cried out in frustration. As far as I was concerned being a woman was a fancy word for a slave who could carry a baby. There had to be more than I was seeing. So I asked God, why women? I was calmly stuck by the revelation that being a woman didn’t mean being a slave it meant being a gift.
The essence of femininity is a gift. The ability to bring life into the world is a gift. The ability to tantalize and enchant simply with divine feminine energy is a gift. A woman’s love is magical and for men it is a gift. The very existence of a woman is not to be a slave, not to accommodate men, not to seek attention, and not to be less than. The existence of women is a manifestation of God’s love for mankind. Women do not have to be beautiful, catering, or nurturing this is just one dimension of the gifts they were blessed with. It is easy to overlook women as a gift and instead convert them to a lowly position of a foot stool for men in an effort to control them. Wouldn’t you want to control something so sophisticated and powerful? Even women that society regards as less than, reign supreme. The strippers that can captivate an audience with one look, the boss ladies that leave men shaking in their boots with their fearlessness, the stay at home moms who feed the minds and spirits of the next generation. The truth is that all the superficial standards that this patriarchal society uses to suppress women with is simply a façade to maintain control. We are the gifts, blessings, and backbone of society and no man’s opinion can change that. We are not here for their pleasure but, our divine feminine energy cannot help but to enhance the lives of all who encounter it.
Now I wake up in the morning with nothing on my face but a smile. I can walk in the confidence of knowing that my purpose in life is to change the world. I can also captivate the hearts and enrich the lives of my male counterparts while doing it by simply being myself, a woman. A woman without children, without a husband,without a college education, without a traditional job, without large breast, without a fat ass, without being born female, without anything. There are so many ways to be a beautiful, amazing, “wifey type” of woman. Once I realized this I never asked God why am I a woman again, now I just thank him.