An argument between my Japanese and white halves

White half [sung]: Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play!

Japanese half: Please stop.

White half: Come on, it’s your fault we can’t enjoy actual karaoke.

Japanese half: Alright, but if you listen to The Mountain Goats, I will take away orgasms for a week.

White half: I’m Taylor Swift. I don’t need orgasms.

Japanese half: I don’t think Taylor Swift would eat a box of Nilla wafers for dinner.

White half: I only did that because you wouldn’t let us go outside!

Japanese half: You were gonna take us to Whole Foods.

White half: I am meant to have blood oranges.

Japanese half: We’re never going back. Everyone there wants to colonize me. Why else are they buying kimchi?

White half: Because fermented foods contain beneficial probiotics, which-

Japanese half: What if our kids say things like that? Jesus, what if they jog in place?

White half: We are not dumping White Matt! I bet he would love us as much as his dog if you weren’t always glaring at his dog.

Japanese half: That dog is a closet Republican. It pretends to be a mutt, but it’s clearly a Golden Retriever who couldn’t possibly understand my struggle.

White half: …

Japanese half: Shut up! We’re supposed to be working. I need Adderall.

White half: Adderall would indeed help me write a thinkpiece on romphims that would def capture the zeitgeist-

Japanese half: Just die

White half: But I’m concerned that it would change our awesome personality!

Japanese half: It’s so cute you think personality is worth more than achievement.

White half: How dare you, I’m ALWAYS telling you to Lean In.

Japanese half: Right, because the last time the government was acting this way, Grandma should have just networked harder.

White half: Don’t be paranoid. Be Olivia Munn!

Japanese half: So like, do an Asian accent on a talk show? Absolutely not. I will only do that for Puerto Rican friends for some reason.

White half: No, lose weight.

Japanese half: How do you blame me for our anxiety?

White half: Japan gave me a panic attack.

Japanese half: Everything gives you a panic attack. I’m the strong-

White half: Hey look, a white guy with an Asian girl!

Japanese half: AHHH! I’m sorry I’m not president, Mom! I’m sorry I’m wearing this, Dad! Just break up and prevent this unpleasantness!

White half: False alarm. They’re both Hispanic, which makes me racist. Thanks for staring at them, though.

Japanese half: This is exhausting.

White half: Yeah.

Japanese half: You know what? At least people think-

Both: We’re theoretically pretty.

White half: Let’s text Matt!

In the following five minutes, twelve thousand permutations of this conversation take place.