On love, magic and beauty -Day 365 of 365
“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” -Mother Teresa
2021 was quite a year
I think I have a lot to say. 2021 has been quite a year. the highs being quite high, and the lows, well, really low. But of course, I’m grateful. Not grateful because I have to be, but because I really am.
While I learnt a handful of things this year, I wouldn’t want to bore you them, so instead, I will lend you my shoes to walk in, to see for yourself how eventful and illuminating this year has been, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find something to hold on to.
Goal review
Goals. Oh, I had a lot of them. I read somewhere that setting goals for each aspect of one’s life was a good idea, and I implemented it this year. I set goals in the areas of deen (faith), cognition, health and fitness, finance, emotion, and social interaction.
While it felt great to have all of these goals written down, I made the mistake of not creating a system to track my progress. So, I accomplished just some, and the rest, well, you should know how things turned out.
But setting and crushing (or in some cases, not crushing) my goals occupied just a small portion of my year. Thus, analysing my year solely on the basis of goal review wouldn’t do justice to this review. Therefore, I’d highlight a few experiences, some of which also served as turning points in my life.
I found love, or well, self-love
Sometime this year, Humainat sent me a mail. It was a love letter-ish and I thought it was really cute. I must say, I was surprised I made the list in the first place. So I read the content of the mail and realized it was actually a love letter to herself. At first, I was confused. But then I thought, this mail must have meant a lot to her. That she shared this deep piece (of herself) with me implies that she holds a space for me in her heart. But as I neared the end of the mail, I realized it was beyond that. Humainat was teaching me how to love myself, or how I deserve to be loved, by how she was learning to love her own self. By reminding herself, she reminded me to take it easy on myself. And even though her name was clearly written in the mail, I felt like it was originally written for me. I found that beautiful. I really did.
I embraced the empathic me.
Early-mid this year, I had some internal conflicts. You see, internal conflicts are the most difficult to fight. It is easier to fight when you can see your opponent. But in this case, you are your own opponent. So you constantly have to shuffle between the paradoxes of self-hate and self-love/self-acceptance. It is crazy tbh.
During this phase, one of the things I despised about myself was the fact that I was an empath. It was exhausting to constantly filter what I consumed (things I saw/heard, people I met, etc). I’d be even more dammed if I watched the news (the lockdown, #ENDSars, #BLM, #rape period was hell for me). I’m not even sure I am fully recovered from the mental and emotional exhaustion.
The moment I started accepting the empathic side of me was when I began to look at the good side of it. Being an empath and an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) means you tend to feel emotions at a heightened level than an average person. So when you feel love, you feel it so much it electrifies you. The same thing goes for joy and happiness. In addition, you care for people more, and if you ask me, the world needs more of that.
Ayo was also kind enough to assist me, a stranger at the time, in navigating the overwhelming emotion I felt. To this day, the words he said to me live rent-free in my head.
Something about friendships
I think losing some people was one of the most difficult phases to navigate in 2021. For some, I blame my emotional unavailability, some because our values no longer aligned, some grew apart due to distance, and some, well, life happened. Also, some became quite exhausting. I’d loved to fill you in on the details, but that would be too much information.
The good part, however, is all that happened in no way negated the beautiful connection we once shared. I like to think some of these relationships did not last as long because it wasn’t meant to. Some friends they say are for seasons, and I’m learning to make peace with that.
Since I lost some friends, it’s only fair I made some too. I think my Du’a about making and keeping good relationships began to manifest this year. I met really amazing people and made good relationships. I’m grateful to Allah we crossed paths.
I strengthened some bonds too. I loved buying my friends gifts when I could, sending them random love notes just because, hyping them so much it quieted their anxiety. I made them happy, which in turn, made me happier.
I learnt, learnt, and learnt…
I know I said I wouldn’t bore you with a list of the things I learnt this year, but I couldn’t help it. I was ruminating on how my year went and I realized these lessons actually made a huge part of my year.
This year, I learnt to let go of hurt. Somehow, I had been holding on to them for so long. When I finally made peace with all that happened, boyy did I feel relief.
I also learnt to forgive people more. For some reason, I always found it difficult to do that, because when I’m hurt it eats really deep. But I learnt to see a situation for how it really was, and not through my pain-tainted glasses. I learnt to tackle the situation and not the person. I learnt to give people the permission to have context (express themselves, make mistakes etc), and by doing that, I gave my own self permission too.
I learnt to accept, without questions, all the love I received. I learnt to come to terms with the fact that I’m deserving of all the love I get. I also learnt to love, deeply. I trashed the notion that you are not allowed to show too much love to the people you care about. I think that’s BS. I think if you want to give out love, you should go all out. There’s no reason to hold back. And if for some reason, the person takes it for granted, that’s their loss. You still gave out love in a world that’s so cruel, and I think that’s beautiful.
**While we are at this, I might as well just add that I learnt more patience and persistence from 9mobile than I did from life itself. Those people showed me pepper this year abeg.
Oh.. the Ls
I had quite a number of Ls this year, and at some point, rejection mails became the norm. Even though I knew deep down that success itself is incomplete with the Ls, I still really wished for some of them to happen.
But when I randomly remember the stranger who bought me Rupi’s book when he noticed I was squealing while holding it in my hands, or when I received a thoughtful gift and was more excited about the intention behind the gift than the gift itself, or when I received feedback from people who loved my newsletter, or the excitement felt when I participated in my first essay competition, or the love and companionship I found at Jaleesah, it gradually waters down a part of the desolation I felt.
As I write, I almost can not exactly remember the intensity of the devastation I once felt. Love, they say, heals, and I couldn’t agree more.
And then, the W
This is probably the point you expect me to list all of the amazing things I achieved this year. But you see, success is relative. I remember writing this piece about how Ws should be celebrated even though they aren’t society standards.
That being said, my most significant W this year was realising how much I had changed and grown as a person. My self-awareness heightened and I grew emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, financially, socially, etc. I could feel the new ME. It was incredible to watch.
What kept me going?
Reading and reflecting on the Qur’an (tadabbur) gave me a lot of peace and comfort. Here are a few of the verses that struck a chord with me.
I watched a lot of movies too, sitcoms being my favourite (God bless Luqman for introducing me to sitcoms, and Salim for all the recommendations). I really loved FRIENDS, and looking forward to watching a few episodes kept me sane most of the time. And of course, there’s Harry Potter! I think I gushed about how epic the storyline is, at every chance I got. I rewatched some old movies too like avatar and Merlin. I really loved the nostalgia it brought. I just might make it a yearly ritual to see at least one of those movies every year.
I read more too. I plunged into more genres as opposed to the usual self-help books I would normally read. I read autobiography, memoir, poetry, fantasy, non-fiction, and at some point when I found business interesting, I read business books too.
Since I read more, writing became easier too, and I did write a lot. I published my newsletter on Sundays bi-weekly all through the year and also wrote love letters for Jaleesah. I wrote small pieces of poems too but never published them.
I listened to podcasts too. I found Jay Shetty’s podcast really helpful. I journaled a little but not as regularly as I would have liked. I began meditating, which helped me manage my stress and anxiety. I explored poetry and loved every bit of it (all thanks to Rupi for stealing my heart). I experimented with new food recipes which turned out surprisingly well.
So, what’s next?
Next year is for building! I’m looking to create amazing stuff with amazing people. I’m also looking to finally launch my business bi’idnillah. I want to stretch myself more and do a lot of things outside of my comfort zone. Since I’m looking to get even more comfortable with receiving Ls, it’s safe to say I’m expecting more Ls next year. This only means I get to shoot more shots than usual. Let’s see how that goes.
There is a lot of work to be done, and I can’t wait to get started.
2022 theme?
My theme for next year would be Intentionality. Being intentional with building relationships, growth, working on projects etc.
And oh, I almost forgot my fav chant. E for Enaji! I think I would need a lot of it next year.
The first 2021 review I wrote captured mostly the not-so-good parts of my year. I was okay with it because I wasn’t going to publish it anyway. Then going through a friend’s WhatsApp status made me realize how magical my year actually turned out to be, and the people who brought the magic to it.
So, I decided I was going to write (and actually publish) a end of year review. The one that would capture both the sour and magical sides, because I owe it to the world for proof that beautiful people still exist, and most importantly, to them, for being so generous with their beauty and magic.
