Let Me Tell You Something Kid…
A Jackass, Alcohol and The End of a Kid’s First Day on The Job

They both pulled up a stool beside me. Not because they wanted to, God no. It was 6:00pm on a Friday, and the bar was full as always. My clothes were loose and sweat-stained, my beard was scraggily and my odour blended closely with the drink in my cup. I was like an industrial fan; whenever I sat beside someone in a subway, I blew the other person in the opposite direction.
“Lemme tell you something kid. Great job at work today. FANTASTIC job at work today, really bang-up, stellar, Darth Vader, take no prisoners, Jerry Maguire ‘You had me at hello’ day.” The larger guy’s sleeve was scantily rolled up his thick forearm, and his hand death-gripped the smaller guys shoulder.
“Uh..thanks sir.” The younger one straightened up his tie, which looked like how my mom tied my tie for my prom. “But I really don’t know what that means?”
“Sorry, I like a little Coffee in my morning, afternoon and evening cup of Bailey’s. Bartender, two gin and tonics please! But I’m trying to say, truly, absolutely, is that you did a good job and you should be proud. Last time I saw someone with as good as a first day with you-” He stared into space.
“Sir, you were saying?” Despite this kid being at least 21, his voice cracked like a 12 year old who just met puberty.
“I WAS LOOKING IN A MIRROR! AHA HA HA HOO” His laugh sounded like a laugh track for a sitcom produced by Satan. He noticed the young man wasn’t speaking. “Come on kid, you have a sense of humour?”
“They didn’t cover that in training sir.” I chuckled, but the joke went right over devil-laugh’s head.
“You gotta laugh if you wanna get ahead. Management likes people with good sense of humours. Well, their sense of humour. That’s my first mentor tip, Johnny.”
“Mentor?”
“Mentor tiger, you hit THE JACKPOT!”
“I mean, I appreciate it very much Mr. Winslow. I really do, but Mr. Woodland already offered his mentorship to me and I accep-“
“Woodland? Wood-for-brains? All tree bark, no bite? Kid, if you want to last, you’ll get a gun, shoot him in the throat when he goes for his evening walk on Wednesday, pay off the maintenance staff in monthly installments of $300 and they’ll throw him in the lake. You can’t trust him, not Woody, absolutely not.” That murder fantasy was too detailed for my comfort level. I took another drink.
“Why do you say that?”
“Man cheats on his wife constantly. All the time.”
“How do you know that?”
“His wife tells me.”
“And why does she tell you that?”
“Because she’s cheating on him with me!”
“Don’t you have a wife though? How can I trust another cheater?”
“Because he cheats on an amazing woman. A real Casey Anthony type lady. My wife sucks! BRAH HAAH RHHOOO” During this whole conversation, the man never loosened his death grip on the kid’s shoulder. The young man’s face was getting redder than my skin after being in the sun for 1 hour.
“Bartender, a couple of other gin and tonics! Alcohol helps you learn kid, that’s why I’m so smart. And as a smart guy, I gotta ask you a question. Why do you want this job? The money?”
“Well, yeah, the money. I mean, whoever does finance because they dreamed of it as kid? But it’s more what I can do with the money.”
“And what do you wanna do with the money?”
“Well, my mom’s parents and siblings are still in Europe. I want to help bring them over, she hasn’t seen them in decades.”
“Alright, alright. What about a sports car? Model girlfriend?” The larger guy is truly gastric bypass surgery in human form.
“I mean, who can complain about those, but…if those happen, they happen. Not about to dedicate my life to those things. Family is what matters, most of all, and especially my mom. She’s the only constant in my life. I never met my father.” The kids voice was steady, and his stare was constant, like he told this story a million times before.
The older gentleman slicked back his thinning hair, and he slammed his glass on the table.
“THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT BABY! That’s what I wanted to hear.”
The young man’s constant glare broke and went wide. If I could see my own face, I’m sure my eyes would have gotten wider as well.
“Seriously? I mean…glad you agree?”
“Kid, family is all that matters. Before I met my current wife-”
“The one you’re cheating on now.” This kid had more backbone than I thought.
“We’re not all perfect. I’m made in the Lord’s image as well you know. But anyways…before my current wife, I was married to someone else. A beautiful women, a real Casey Anthony type of lady.” Even when he started winning you over, this guy has a way of losing you. “We were together for a couple year. The peak of my life, and it’s been downhill since.
“What happened?”
“We agreed to have a kid together. 8 months later, it got too real. And I…”
“You son of a bitch.” The kid said it, I just thought it.
“I left her…I had a shot at family. I had a shot at happiness. And now I’m just married to some woman who cheats on me because she married me for my money. I can’t even blame her though, I just married her for her boob job.”
“Did you ever meet your son?”
“After a long time.”
“How long?”
“All those years ago until today.” Is this the Young and The Restless?!
“No…dad? DAD?” The kid slapped his father, took a pause, and slapped him again. He stared at him, and stared at him. His eyes were small, then wide, and his gaze turned toward the ground. I took a swig of my mug, and the kid looked up at his father.
“Why? Why now?”
“Because…” The father coughed. “I’M KIDDING!!! BRAHHAHAAHA I AIN’T GOT NO KIDS. Like I said buddy boy, you gotta have a sense of humour!”
I chugged what was left in my glass and stormed off. The kid looked like someone just told him he had cancer, and the psychopath kept on laughing. I really need to find a new bar.
