the story of my tattoo

my grandfather
I wanted to get a tattoo of my last name in Korean — 박. I wanted to move the bottom character, the one that looks like a roof, and cover the rest of the word underneath it. After all, when you left it felt as though the floor had slipped from underneath me and I was lost in the shade of a darkness that I had never experienced before.
my identity
I changed my mind and got another cartilage piercing instead. I mostly just wanted something to remember that first year of college. But looking back I’m not sure what exactly it was that I wanted to remember. I spent most of that first year envying my fair skinned friends and contemplating whether I would be okay with the possibility of living the rest of my life alone — alienated from those who I considered close. It’s strange to say, but I don’t think I realized that I was non-white until that year.
my first
I wanted to get a tattoo of a fox, or a wolf, or the name of our cat. Those were the pet names of me, you, us. I wanted to remember you forever. But I thought that maybe instead of putting you in my skin, I could put you permanently in my life instead. And I tried, but at some point I started noticing all the harm that was done to me during those years.
Going into college, I thought I would have space to grow into a body I had never been able to claim as mine. But you took that from me. You asked that I hide my body from everyone except you; you asked with soft words but with your eyes you commanded. You trained me to feel uncomfortable wearing certain clothes. This was another guilt that you put me through but I thought it was reasonable. How did I think for so long that it was okay for you to own my body? It’s been over a year and still I feel shame as though you were here watching.
my always
I ended up getting a tattoo of a ginkgo tree branch. Ginkgo is strong and resilient. But mostly it represents the family that I’m slowly drifting away from as time moves forward. My parents met in college and their college symbol was a ginkgo leaf. My dad bought a potted ginkgo tree when my brother was born. And when my parents bought the house I grew up in, they planted the tree in the backyard along with a second ginkgo tree to represent me.
I felt so much relief after I got my tattoo. I made this decision for my body — my body.
It is a slow unlearning, to let you help carry these burdens.
