Ive got some cleaning up to do.

Kristen Jenkins
Jul 23, 2017 · 2 min read

I’ve got some cleaning up to do. The kind of cleaning you don’t like. Not just picking up things off the floor and putting them where they belong, but getting rid of the things that were never supposed to be there in the first place.

I’ve got some cleaning to do inside of my heart. There’s a lot of built up junk that created a pile inside of my closet and now it’s grown so big that I can’t help but to see it every day.

I’ve got an issue with jeaouly, mostly with women. I see a beautiful woman who has this badassery about her, and I feel shitty about myself. Instead of having her inspire me, I see it as though she is showing me who ill never be. Another issue: I always want to be anyone but myself, creating another issue: I don’t know who I am.

I’ve got an issue with the way I view myself. I am not confident, I don’t believe I am good at anything. My insecurity hurts the relationships I have with the ones I love. I also have this deep sense that no one likes me: “I’m unwanted” has been a soundtrack of my life for a long time.
I always feel sorry for myself. Inspirational quotes and motivational speeches don’t work on me. They get me angry and make me feel worse about myself.

One key root to this tree of misery: I don’t love myself.
and what a shame that is.

You know when people say “if a person wants it bad enough, they’ll do it”. I question whether or not I want to love myself. Then a part of me gets angry and screams “of course I do, I want to be a beam of self-love for the world to see”

Sometimes I think I need to grow the fuck up and accept myself. Other times I try to be gentle and realize I don’t have to have it all together.

Then I go on instgram and its game over.

Kristen Jenkins

Written by

I’m here to share real moments of what I am learning on this adventurous and sometimes scary journey called life