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What is Radical Self Love?

And why should we bother with it?

The Performance Scientist
8 min readMar 29, 2020

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To take ‘radical action’ on something is to affect the fundamental nature of it. So if we take radical action on the way we see and treat ourselves (by choosing to do it all with love) we make fundamental changes to that relationship and to our sense of self.

To love ourselves, even a little bit, IS radical. Because capitalist society does NOT want us to love ourselves. Capitalism does NOT want us to look at ourselves and think ‘I am enough, I am more than enough’.

Capitalism needs us to hate ourselves so that we crave more, more, more stuff to drown out that self hate.

So, the way I see it, all self love is Radical Self Love.

And all conscious action towards self love is radical action.

But what does that action look like?

Let’s start with what it is not.

Radical Self Love is NOT a Delusion

Some people think that to love themselves means they must believe that they are better than others, or believe they have no faults. People who do this are only hurting themselves.

They become dependent on this worldview. They need it to sustain their sense of self. Because of this, they struggle to be around people or experiences that show their worldview to be false.

They deny themselves growth opportunities, they cut themselves out of the lives of people who might be able to nurture them. Because, to them, to be nurtured is to admit weakness.

These beliefs are a delusion. These people are deluding themselves.

Does that sound like self love to you?

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Radical Self Love is NOT Just a Feeling

Speaking of not deluding ourselves, never ever ever tell yourself that self love is just a feeling.

In fact, never tell yourself that love is just a feeling.

I mean, sure, the dictionary defines ‘love’ as ‘an intense feeling of deep affection.’ — but that doesn’t quite cut it with me.

To be fair, dictionaries aren’t really the way to go when it comes to defining ‘love’. If it was so easy to define, why would there be millions of songs, books, plays, films, paintings, sculptures, {insert art medium} exploring the subject?

So I think we can agree that ‘love’ is not an easy word to define. But I’m going to give it a go anyway.

I think the best word I can use to describe ‘love’ is that it is an experience.

It’s not just something we feel, it’s something we do, give, receive, show, express. We can fall in and out of it. It’s something that happens to us.

And when we say we feel love, it’s really just a shorthand for the huge range of emotions we feel when we experience love.

Passion, excitement, safety, warmth, loyalty, confidence, security, happiness… I could go on!

We’re used to relying on other people for the experience of love. Radical self love means creating and cultivating that experience for ourselves.

Only when we do that work do we reap the benefits of self love. Only then do we get all them good good feels!

When we delude ourselves that self love just is a feeling (and you either feel it or you don’t) we make excuses for ourselves to not try. We make excuses to not do the work.

Radical Self Love is NOT Just an Affirmation

Another way we avoid doing the work? Depending too much on affirmations. AKA looking ourselves in the mirror and saying ‘I love myself. I am amazing. I am beautiful.’ etc.

‘Fake it till you make it!’ Right?

Let me ask you something. Imagine you are in an intimate relationship with a significant other. You tell each other you love each other, but you never show it. You don’t do things together, you don’t help each other with problems, you don’t try to make each other smile, you don’t hold each other physically or emotionally. All you do is say ‘I love you’ and then proceed to ignore the needs of the other. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Now, I’m not saying affirmations are useless, but let’s look at what an affirmation really is. Back to the dictionary!

There are actually two definitions for ‘affirm’

  1. to state emphatically or publicly
  2. to offer (someone) emotional support or encouragement

It’s an easy mistake to make, to focus too much on that first definition. But this can easily result in making meaningless statements that do not help us. We need to have a reason to make these statements, and that’s where definition no. 2 comes in.

Affirmations are to be used to support and encourage ourselves. For this to work, they need to go hand in hand with action.

When we want to try something new, but we feel nervous, we can use affirmations like ‘I believe in you’ to build bravery.

When we are trying to implement a practice but are starting to lose motivation, we can use affirmations like ‘I can do this’ or ‘I deserve this’ to relight that fire.

Affirmations can also be action in themselves, as long as they have proper meaning and motivation behind them. For example, we might use the affirmation of ‘I love you’ when we are having a hard time and need to take the action of nurturing ourselves.

That’s a bit different from saying ‘I love you’ whenever we’re brushing our teeth, ‘because the book told me to do it every day’. In that case, the action is simply ‘do what I think I’m supposed to.’ Not very effective!

So affirmations can be hella useful when it comes to the practice, but Radical Self Love is so much more than an affirmation!

So… What IS Radical Self Love?

Alright, I’m getting there. But before I do, just a reminder that the experience of self love is just as wide and varied as any other kind of love.

So you’re probably going to want to listen to some songs, read some books, watch some films etc to get a bigger picture than what I’m about to give, but here’s my two cents.

Radical Self Love IS a Choice

Some people argue that any kind of love is a choice, period. I am not one of those people.

I believe that we can choose to make healthy choices within our relationships.

I believe that we can choose to act lovingly towards people.

I believe that we can choose to create a loving atmosphere.

But giving love and feeling love are different. Just like I can give respect without feeling it, I can perform loving acts because I know they are the right thing to do. But I can’t force myself to feel love.

Because when it comes to actually feeling love — like I said before, it’s an experience! It’s happening to me. It’s beyond my control. As with all emotional experiences, the only thing I can control is how I respond to it.

So no, I do not believe love is a choice.

At least, not when it comes to relationships with other people.

But that’s the magical thing about self love — it is unique because our relationship with ourselves is unique.

Yes, we can learn many things from our relationships with others, and apply those lessons to ourselves, but ultimately our relationship with ourselves is special because, well, we are just one person! And nobody understands how to love us like ourselves.

If I’m being SUPER simplistic, I like to think of radical self love as a three step process:

Explore — we get to know ourselves

Act — we give ourselves what we need with love

Respond — we celebrate ourselves with gratitude

This just happens to spell EAR which I looooooove because if there’s one thing we could all do more it’s listen. (You don’t have to believe me, but this happened organically and it was a moment.)

This process is special because in all our other relationships we only have control over the first two stages. We can explore, we can act, but how they respond is down to them.

When it comes to radical self love, we have control over how we receive the very love we give. That’s what makes Radical Self Love a choice.

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Radical Self Love IS a Practice

Like I said in the beginning — capitalist society wants us to hate ourselves.

You think deciding to love yourself will undo all that social conditioning?

Sadly, no, but it is a good start.

There’s no way around it, Radical Self Love is a practice and, like anything else, see’s best results from being engaged with daily.

Practicing Radical Self Love is a lot like spinning plates! You have to work on your physical health, your mental health, and your emotional health (yes, there is a difference).

Every part of your life, from the way you work to the way you play to the way you eat to the way you sleep… your relationships, your habits, your goals… everything about you, internal and external, will (at some point) need to be integrated into your self love practice.

Just like ‘love’ is secretly an umbrella term for a shed-load of emotions, the practice of Radical Self Love is really made up of many different practices, including but not limited to….

  • Positive thinking
  • Awareness
  • Self reflection
  • Self acceptance
  • Healthy consumption
  • Creative practice
  • Emotional control
  • Fitness
  • Kindness
  • Compassion

I could go on but I love a round number so we’ll leave it there.

If this has left you feeling overwhelmed, don’t worry, because I have one last thing for you…

Living With Radical Self Love IS Easier Than Living Without it

If you are lucky, you have someone in your life (maybe several people) around whom life just feels easier.

It might be a family member, or a significant other, but if you have this person, you know exactly what I mean.

When you have their support, problems seem smaller, skies seem clearer, days feel lighter.

Now, if you were to look at it on paper, your relationship with that person should not make your life easier. It should make it harder!

You have to make time for them, organise things with and around them, take their needs into account when making decisions, call them, buy things for them, give attention and affection to them, support them, guide them, argue with them, make up with them. You have to do so much hard work for them!

But it doesn’t feel like work, does it? At least, nowhere near as much work as all that ‘self love practice’.

It takes intention, effort, action, of course! But somehow those things don’t feel like ‘work’.

And it’s not just because that person gives you those things back (although it certainly helps!)

It’s because you love them. And it’s a joy to give to the people you love.

What is the point of practicing self love? It’s to cultivate the feelings that come with the experience of being loved.

And as both the giver and the receiver of that love, you get all the feels baby!

You become the person who makes your life feel easier.

You make putting in the effort feel easier.

Because — and this is where it gets as beautifully cheesy as true love tends to do…

Loving you is worth it. You are worth it.

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