The Prize Casey Affleck Deserved
Imagine if there were consequences in Hollywood…
Brie Larson opens the envelope that in now-infamous gold lettering reads “Best Actor in a Motion Picture.” The nominated actors hold their breath: after this announcement, no matter the result, Andrew Garfield has promised himself a whole vegetarian cheeseburger (Denzel Washington, a single cigarette.) Viggo Mortensen bumps his son’s shoulder; they’re having a lot of fun tonight.
Brie Larson’s eyes fall upon it. Brie Larson has done significant research on and has great human sympathy for survivors of assault. Brie Larson feels her stomach tighten. She reads:
“Casey Affleck. Manchester by the Sea.”
Casey Affleck is shocked and thrilled. The Academy has recognized him! This is the moment!
Applause follows. The kid brother of the dynamic young writing duo from Boston has won a major award for his performance. Casey runs a hand over his pulsing beard to calm the birds within: not now, neighbors, this is our special moment. He wipes the oily nest slick on his tuxedo pants. Brie Larson hands him the award. He graciously accepts it, he, the little rat baby whose most memorable line in Good Will Hunting was “I swallowt a bug.” He, the child in the shadows! He, underdog of America!
But suddenly a hush falls in the room, so quiet that you can hear a single sequin fall from Janelle Monae’s perfect gown. Casey looks instinctively to the place where Big Brother Ben had been seated to find it conspicuously empty.
So is Matt’s.
He suddenly notices that his childhood pals are approaching the stage from the wings. Nobody looks surprised and no security moves to stop them.
“Is this, ah, another Kimmel joke?” Casey stammers into the microphone. He looks to Brie Larson, who has advanced. She puts a hand on his shoulder.
“No, Casey,” she says. “I am tired of giving you prizes.” She removes the award from his squirrely hands. A chair appears behind him and Brie Larson motions to it. “I will give you the dignity of asking you to sit.”
Casey looks around in a panic. Matt and Ben are not mic’ed but the grave silence in the room carries their voices as over the crowds in Roman amphitheaters.
“Ya little shitbird, you bettah sit yah ass dahn.” Ben Affleck has reverted to the sub-primal Alpha Bostonian dialect that sends shivers down Casey’s spine. His fight or flight mechanism kicks into high gear he bolts for the stairs, only to find fellow Bostonian Chris Evans has established himself there, immovable. Lin-Manuel Miranda has no hometown stake in this fight but somehow finds himself holding the line with Captain America. Casey backs towards Brie, who offers him no shelter. He is trapped.
“What is this?” He demands. For no reason at all his eyes catch Meryl Streep’s and her face is still as stone. Instinctive submission begs at his core.
“This is an intahvention, Case.” Matt Damon’s voice echoes around him, once a source of love and reason in its undying support, now cold and taut. “Ya fuckin’ need one.”
“Ben’s done all sorts of dumb shit tah girls!” Casey cries desperately, his voice suddenly fifteen years younger and shivering in Adidas track pants. “I didn’t do nothin’ you wouldnta done, Ben, I sweah ta Gahd!” His strangled, broken yelps betray a needy performance, even now in front of the entire film community. Ben sighs; he has been a poor role model for decency at times and recognizes that. Matt glares at them both.
“Yer Ma wants some fuckin’ peace an’ quiet, you fucks, an’ she deserves bettah. We’ah gonna sit here an’ tawk about whatchu did an’ you. ah. gonna. apologize.” The words fall to the plush carpets with dull gravity.
Casey looks around the room, sure, still, this is a bit. Denzel Washington folds his arms and waits. Casey realizes that it is not a bit.
He sits his ass down.
It is then, in the year of our Lord 2017, that Community Shaming becomes an annual practice at every major award show, now a platform to reward proper dignified behavior and to ridicule and degrade those who fall short. Dwayne Johnson happily appoints himself the ambassador of this segment. In Disgrace hereafter follows In Memoriam so that the living may know the weight of the dead. Disgrace Honorees have the privilege of a six-month work probation period wherein Dwayne checks in with humanitarian project suggestions and support in their journey towards becoming decent human role models worthy of international spotlight.
Casey Affleck’s first offer upon returning to the acting community in 2018 is as the perpetually-obscured neighbor Wilson in a short-lived reboot of Home Improvement starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Bing! Online streaming.
Casey Affleck gratefully accepts the opportunity.
