An Open Letter
TO: George Galloway
FROM: Me
RE: My Role in Bringing about Your Defeat
Dear Mr. Galloway:
Having lost your recent election by a rather large margin–and it must have been really embarrassing to have been so comprehensively routed–you decided that it would be a good idea to blame “racists and Zionists” for your defeat. Despite the fact that I am not a racist, I am a Zionist, and a Zionist Jew to boot. I write this piece to claim responsibility for having helped engender your political demise.
As you must be aware, we Zionists regularly conduct secret meetings in which we plan the utter and complete destruction of our enemies, and you have been high on our list for quite a while. We endeavored to make sure that during this recent British electoral season, you would be run out of politics. The Worldwide Zionist Conspiracy (always make sure to capitalize those words when you write about us, Mr. Galloway) made sure to recruit a very appealing candidate, whom you made sympathetic thanks to your bumbling and crude attacks on her personal history (we certainly do appreciate the role you played in bringing about your own political demise, and we knew that you would be stupid enough to play that role), and we are, of course, very grateful for the fact that you compounded your humiliation by breaking the law on the night the electoral results were announced.
Of course, it ought to go without saying that our actions were entirely justified by your hatred of Israel and your hatred of the United States, which we Zionists cannot and will not tolerate. You are free to hate whomever you wish, Mr. Galloway, but you are certainly not going to lie as much as you do–and boy, you lie a lot–without paying some kind of price. We made sure that you would pay that price this election year, and as you can imagine, we are very pleased with our success.
To be sure, you have your supporters, who are about as deluded as you are. No, I won’t link to them–why give their websites the free publicity?–but we take comfort in knowing that their mental challenges make them no match for our Zionist schemes and machinations. The cerebral difficulties that your friends and allies must regularly face in doing things like . . . say . . . breathing, tying their shoelaces, trying not to fall of their beds while they sleep, etc., will make it easier for us to ruin and destroy them as we have ruined and destroyed you. We can wreak havoc upon your supporters’ credit ratings, steal from their bank accounts with reckless abandon (assuming that there is any money to be found in those accounts in the first place, of course), and frame them for various crimes. And the wonderful thing is that they–like you–will be too dumb to stop us! This, Mr. Galloway, is the part where you are invited to imagine us laughing maniacally and evilly, like various and sundry movie villains who, unlike us Zionists, are almost never able to carry out their plans for world domination.
I would like to close by thanking you once again for the role you played in bringing about your political downfall. To say that we could not bring about your defeat at the polls without you would be a stretch, but we admit that it is always nice when our targets cooperate with us when we work to make them look like fools and losers. We appreciate the degree to which you have been helpful in advancing the Zionist cause, and we look forward to further instances in which your stupidity will be beneficial to us.
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Originally published at pejmanyousefzadeh.net on May 10, 2015.
