I’m a little spinning emoting ball shooting off sparks and flames of contradictions.

It was few days ago I met this old friend -I honestly don’t know if it’s fair calling her a friend, I don’t even have friends- and she said something that sounded just completely absurd and preposterous, but it didn’t really hit me until she was gone. She told me that people don’t want to talk to me because I look so sad, depressed and just tiresome. I didn’t really see how unvarnished that sounded until I caught myself walking alone with a completely depressed look which seems to be my default expression. That’s just troubling, because the way I was convincing myself that I’m not a standoffish depressed pig (which I probably am) was extremely enervating. You see I don’t really think I’m depressed. I’ve looked up the symptoms and a lot, if not all, of them do match, but it doesn’t seem real. Like it isn’t happening to me, and I’m just a normal person who needs to pull her shit together.

I just feel empty. Hallow and hopeless. I don’t have dreams or aspirations. But I feel like I’ve always been this way, like it’s just my nature to be miserable. I convince myself that it’s just because everyone’s different and it’s normal. That there’s nothing special or unique about the way I’m feeling. It’s just because I’m content to be lazy and alone. I can’t tell the difference between what’s in my nature and what’s depression. But truth be told, I don’t know what I want anymore and the things I once cared about no longer seem to matter. I push those I love away while vigorously spewing hurtful statements and remarks, I’ve become irrational and unglued. I start to wonder if I still love and want to be with my family.. Nothing feels the same or makes sense when under this deep, dark could of woe. It almost feels like the way to de-stress was deactivated before I was born, and the only thing to vaguely calm me down is a bit of shut eye, but then again I find myself drowning in this darkness trampled by constant, troublesome thoughts , feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I hate to write stuff down like this, it seems like it’s making me sound so rude and obnoxious, I’m not, I just have this ability to write things down like they appear in my head.. and if you’re bothering to read this I’d probably advise you to stop, as your opinion of me will drastically fall.

For some unknown reason I feel like absolute shit. I was fine until everything just seemed to come crashing down and since then, I’ve been absent mindedly musing my way through the days. I’m feeling a bit knocked at the moment, all I seem to be doing is arguing with everyone, myself included, which makes me feel even worse. I’m contemplating whether to tell my mom that I’d like to see a psychiatrist, but I don’t really want her worrying too much.. Ugh I feel like I’m making a lot of fuss over very little unsignificant shit..

I’m currently worrying about whether this is worth posting..

Anyways.. I guess as much as this is so vicious and crippling, all I can really do about it is wait, wait it out until that light and that strength finally return. As for now, in this moment I tell myself to hold on.