Tearin’ Up My Heart, Chapter 1

March 14, 2007

Music always gives me the opportunity to grow and learn and to see the life from different point of view. This is,in my opinion, the treasure I carry within myself.

This is one of my most favorite songs, whenever I hear the song, it makes me remember the acquaintance who used to be my boyfriend. I don’t know whether the song itself and JC’s voice is full of some sadness, or some pain inside my heart, sometimes, I would be weeping not because of this song but because of my remembering his scene.

Sometimes, I just tell myself to forget him, I tried, but failed. When I am alone in my room, I just cannot control my feelings, and just cannot stop thinking of him. That was the sunny day, and the mindless Saturday afternoon, we hung out, and we’re both the college students of the same school, before that day, we met. When we were sitting in the bus, he just sat beside me, and he leaned back, listening the CD-walkman which was playing the song” Tearin’ up my heart”, and I listened it too. And just he told me that the song was kinda sad, but I didn’t notice it and I just thought maybe he had some kind of past I didn’t know, but I did not ask him why. I knew he would not reply to me, some days later, he told me point-blank that he wanted to break up with me, and he showed me the reasons. That time my brain was blank all the time and my heart was blue, I didn’t know what he wa* **plaining , but he still explained, I interrupted him and said,” OK, you wanna be apart, I see it, and I saw it before, I thought I was wrong, but this time, just this moment, I make a mistake, I shouldn’t have believed ya, you still love him, I know it, right? And I just substituted for him, babe, you ‘re just a fake.” I said that without thinking, but the words he said even made me disappointed,” Babe, don’t say that, and I know I still love him, and he loved me before, I should make more efforts on him, and baby, I wanna let you know you’re not the succedaneum. Ain’t no angel can greet you, you will find the one that belongs to you one day.”

“All right, baby, you just listen, he doesn’t love you any more, you don’t belong to him, the girl he loves isn’t you, don’t you understand.” “I don’t care ‘bout that, I love him, this is the only reason I wanna get him, Derek, put down your hands, and let me go, I don’t wanna cheat you any more!” Maybe at that moment I understand I should leave, so I said nothing and left. The next day, I sent a message to her which said that I would forget her. From that time on, I never contacted with her any more, and I didn’t know whether that boy became his boyfriend later, no matter what, I don’t care. But occasionally, I would happen to him in the internet, we all had little words to say, but just some short regards to each other. When we’re apart, I still listen to this song, and whenever I heard it, I still would remember him, and then tears up my heart. Maybe he is my first love, I even can’t forget him, his every motion. Four years have passed, I even don’t wanna find another one, maybe I will, I am not sure.

Some weeks ago, I just received a message from him in MSN, he said that he felt guilty for my misfortune, but I was no longer able to act comfortable in his presence, and I have made up my mind to forget her. So right now, my fancy was running it along those days ahead of me, spring days and summer days, and all sorts of days that would be my own, I breathed a quick prayer that life would be longer, but it was only yesterday that I had thought with a shudder that life might be long.

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