Tearin’ Up My Heart, Chapter 2

March 14, 2007

I wanted to leave him some words that would have some meaning, some sigificance beyond the moment, but nothing came from my lips, I stood frozen and quiet, looking into the searching eyes of my friend.

In our quiet room ,he lay streched out on his bed as I started to leave, I tried ot think of something to say to give him courage and confidence as he started this new phase of life. Again, words failed me. I mumbled something like, “hope you feel better, Lee.” And I left.

Now, as I stood before him, I thought of those lost opportunities, how many times have we all let such moments pass? We go through the motions of the ceremony, but I don’t seek out my boyfriend find a quiet momnet to tell him that what he has mennt to me, or what he might expect to face in the years ahead.

How fast the years had passed, but I still remreber the sweet college life. He was the most muscular in our class, and he developed a warm, outgoing nature and was popular with his peess. He was coordinated and agile, and he became adept in sports. I remreber football gave him his earliest challenge, he was an outstanding pitcher in little league, and I liked to see him flying in the football playground. At graduation, the coach named Lee the team’s most valuable player.oops , I forget to introduce him, and lee is his name.

One of Lee’s dreams was to travel to abroad when he finished college, that was the best way, to his way of thinking before he started to work, to broaden himself and develop a larger perspective on life. And after graduation, he worded as a waiter at college, a bike messenger and a house painter. With the money he earned, he had enough to go abroad.

The night before he was to leave, I tossed in bed. I was trying to figure out something to say, nothing came to mind, maybe, I thought it, it wasn’t necessary to say anything, what does it matter in the course of a lifetime of a lover never tells his boyfriend what he really think of him? But as I stood before Lee. I knew that it does matter, Lee and I loved each other, yet ,I always regretted never hearing him put his feeling into words and never having the memory of that moment. Now I could feel my palms sweat and my throat tighten. Why is it so hard to tell my boyfriend something from the heart? My mouth turned dry, and I knew I would be able to get out only a few words clearly.

“Lee,” I said, “If I could have picked, I would have picked you.”

That’s all I could say, I wasn’t sure he understood what I meant, then he came toward me and threw his arms around me, for a moment, the world and all its people vanishen ,there was Lee and I in our room, he was saying something, but my eyes misted over, and I could not understand what he was saying, all I was aware of was the stubble in his clin as his face pressed against mine, and then, the moment ended, he left with only his back shadow.

That was nearly three years ago, he is still in L.A.,and I think about him when I walked along the roads on weekends. Thousands of miles away, he might bend an elbow in a cafe.

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