By Blair Davidson
Dougie Fuckin hated his job...everyone knew it. Especially Dougie. He’d only worked there for a few months, but from day one he knew it wasn’t for him. He was "just there for the money" or so he kept telling himself. His ex wife had left him in 2003 to chase her dream, well, to begin with it was their dream. She’d moved to Australia , like almost everyone does when they’re fed up of the pissin rain and minimum wage. Apart from Dougie.
It was about 2 weeks before Christmas when it arrived. A scabby brown envelope with a footprint stamped across the front.
Mr Douglas Drury
28 Badger Court
He almost ignored it. That was the address he’d lived at with "HER", as his mum put it. It must have been forwarded on. Oh, i forgot to mention , Dougie now lived in student accommodation , even though he
was 39 and not a student.
His flatmates were nice enough. Mark was your typical Rich boy, Mummy and Daddy had paid for everything , from his designer trainers to that "Fuckin Telly", as Dougie called it. Don’t get me wrong he liked TV , its just that this one was 3d and there were only 2 sets of glasses. The 2nd set was
claimed early by Fiona."A Slag of a Lassie" as Dougie put it.Mostly because she’d been with Mark and not him. It was her flat to begin with so what could he say."Fuck All" as she’d told him one night after he’d complained about a party she was having.
He was tired when it’d happened but as far as he could remember it went like this..
Dougie : “Here Fiona , Can you Shut up its 3 in the Morning and i’m up at 7 for Work.”
Fiona : “HA!, Are you serious! It’s my Fuckin flat mate! And anyway , it’s only 2!”
Dougie : “Aye, but i pay rent, for a room, a room to SLEEP in!”
Fiona :” Why don’t you drink yourself to sleep like you usually do?”
Dougie : “Ah…. You what…. ah…”
Fiona : “ You can do FUCK ALL mate, FUCK ALL!”
Fiona had been far too drunk that night and apologised the next day, She’d felt really bad about it and spent the next few weeks trying her best to make him welcome, cooked his dinner a few times and gave him a shot of the 3d Glasses now and then. But even still, he knew she was right. He could do "FUCK ALL". Thats why he’d started this job. He’d thought
"i’ll do it for a few months, get the Christmas bonus and Fuck Off". He reckoned if he could save 9 grand he would be set to travel for a year. A
year in the sun.
He’d had quite a bit saved up , About 4 and a half grand the last time he’d checked. He’d saved it for Australia, but we know what happened there.
Anyway back to this Envelope.
It was from "HER".
He knew it the minute he’d opened it. It smelt like her. Dougie wasn’t some weirdo with a Police dogs nose, she used to always spray things with her favourite perfume , he couldn’t tell you what it was
called right enough, he’d given up trying to
remember after the 3rd failed birthday present. but he knew the smell.
It was Divorce papers. His first thought was
"Who sprays Fuckin Divorce papers with Perfume!”
He ignored them for a week. When he eventually got round to reading them it said that she was looking
for 50% of everything.
"50% of Nowt! Ha, you Can have it"
He shouted as he looked at his bare room, a few DVDs, his nephews XBOX and a works laptop that he only ever used for putting bets on and watching….. well you know what he was watching. He phoned the Lawyers office the next Day. Henderson & Tait they were called, “WANKERS” he shouted as he was placed on hold. The call lasted 20 minutes and by the end of it he’d agreed to a meeting on the 4th of January. She was Here, He was going to see “HER”.
Christmas was over and New Year came.Dougie got his Bonus, £750 cash and £250 John Lewis vouchers, that he spent on a Ted Baker suit. He Had to look good,
he wanted to show her what she was missing.
When he walked in to the offices of Henderson & Tait he was ushered into a small room with a spotty wee
guy that couldn’t have been any older than 20. He handed him a Document to sign, It was done. He was Divorced.
Simple as that.
He’d been that worn down when she’d left him that he couldn’t face dragging this out any longer than he had to.
On his way down the 2 flights of stairs to the street, he caught a whiff of that perfume. “She must have just left”. He thought for a minute, “should i speed up and try speak to her?, she’s ripped me off for half my cash the least she can do is speak to me!!”, but he decided against it. What was the point. Fiona’s words rang in his ear , “You can do FUCK ALL mate, FUCK ALL!”. She was right.
It took a few weeks for the money to be claimed from his account. When it did he was down to 2 grand .2 Grand and what was left from his bonus after he’d
broken the shower in the flat.On the upside he was offered a new job at work, more hours, and better money. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it but he thought, "Keep the head down,i’m just there for the
money, a few months and i’ll be out of that shithole".
Dougie got a £1000 Christmas bonus that year, £1250 the year after that.His Ted Baker suit doesn’t fit him anymore. He's saving for a new one.
By Blair Davidson