Je me donne à qui me plaît

Experiences with men in France over a year, in chronological order

  1. This guy is honest. Bites my feet. I still cry though because I like him a lot and he gives me all the affection I could ever want. Looking out for #1 and not willing to settle down. 
    maybe a druid (I ask if he’s a sanglier, he says no)
  2. Number two left me alone for the entire summer vacation period, he went away for vacation without seeing me beforehand, though we were in a relationship. When we saw each other again, he promised me kisses. I followed up on the promise and he refused to call and I was left gnashing my teeth in the most painful suspense. So I was like “please don’t contact me ever again” and he sent a hateful, mocking email with usual misogynistic appeals to me being “crazy” or whatever.
    a FUCKBOY smh
  3. I met this guy on a train to the south of France. He basically sort of seems like an Abercrombie model but speaks only French. We were making out in no time at all. And on my off days, he would pick me up, I would spend time in the provincial village where he lived for work. His employer gave him a three story house. I would ask him if I was fat and he would say, you’re completely fine. But then he quit his job and didn’t say goodbye! anyway, we saw one another on and off and he was pretty penis-centric. It was all about his penis. I was always in love with him and he always was like “doncha wanna be sex friends?” 
    Why why why
  4. This guy I had a crush on since last year but despite me procuring dinner and wine and in other words extending myself because I liked him, he never asked for my number, which broke my heart. We saw one another again in fall of this past year and then he did ask for my number. We flirted by text and I made the “I like my men like I like my coffee: silent” joke and more banter and puns followed, like this one I made: express-o. I was into him, in other words. We met up for a drink, he asked if I would ever want to be married and I explained that as an intellect, I have many objections to marriage, but that for some time I would have these visions of being a bride, often enough. I did not realize he was playing me for a fool. I wanted to wait to have sex, because I liked him, and said so at many intervals, but of course he manipulated and discarded me.
  5. An American. I had already been in love with him for four years. I thought we were perfect for one another and wrote: if i am to be honest with myself my true feeling is we could have been married with kids. Then we skyped. It was a few days before New Years and he didn’t wish me a Happy New Years so I was devastated, got drunk and found another guy.
    cried the most ever in 5 years over #5
  6. This other guy seemed nice and all but lived far away and I was still in the the deep ravages of confused love-feelings for #5 and told him as much.
  7. A ginger this one, #6. The first time I saw him, ever, he handed me a lighter. It was what I needed to light my cigarette. I felt pleased. It was one of those magical moments, just so intoxicating. I gushed all the joys I held closest to my heart, like the most tender secrets. He would text in horrible broken English (once he texted “sorry you’re scary” when he apparently meant “sorry I scared you”) and it would cause these agonizing misunderstandings because he was so arrogant. It would take an hour for him to translate what his broken English meant in French and I would be destroyed. I missed a bus to Normandy because he kept me up until the middle of the night with that bullshit.
    just one more French guy who felt himself superior in all ways and caused me extreme pain
  8. Michael Cera look-alike who stole my computer. The sex was great but him stealing my computer was so horrible. I got so much grief for it — and everyone (coworkers, security guards in my building, the police, my boss) judged me for having sex with a guy, like it was my fault he stole my comptuer just because I desired him. That makes no sense!
    I just want you to know I am not a bad person he said to me when he returned my laptop 15 hours later
  9. A dancer who corrected my French incorrectly (I said au Canada and he tried to claim it was en Canada, that for cities it’s à and for countries it’s en, nope — some countries are feminine and some are masculine), and felt entitled to sex, which he justified by his entitlement to it (I haven’t had sex for 3 months, I don’t want anything serious, oh it is such a beautiful thing he said).
  10. There were two guys in the residence where I lived who didn’t respect my body. They were hypocritical and liars and therefore gross.
  11. Francis fucking Lawrence. I had to block him of facebook because he was aggressive, domineering, and unkind. He started bossing me around and I was like HELL NO. Then we would run into each other and he would act sort of normal and asked me to unblock him. He was very good-looking and charming and we were from the same pocket of the midwest so I couldn’t help but start to like him some. I told him I had a pretty significant crush and later among friends he was all flirty, said I was beautiful and announced, “we’re engaged.” I was into it, and ultimately he said he was just joking around. So I guess he was making fun of me having feelings for him? 
    Maybe he ran out of asshole fuel
  12. Number 11 I just saw this past Sunday with some kids. He is probably the kind that is married with kids. Pretty sure he lied about everything! 
    A seriously hideous piece of man
  13. Last but not least, a guy who told me when I was twenty I would not be capable of reading the tomes of my favorite philosophers. Threatens to file a police report if I don’t stop flirting.
    la conquête
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