According to G, I am probably burnt out.
And so it happened again, I felt it yesterday and instead of sinking into it and go into the depressive state again, I evaluated myself and started to talking to people.
I recalled when this happened the previous time, J stopped talking to me. It was around a month ago.
Well coincidentally, J started to talk to me again.
It’s been awhile huh medium? Alot has happened, I am not gonna pen it all down, because it’s too much.
I had the urge to write a few days ago but laziness got over me and I brushed it off. I guess I should have, back then.
I am at work now as I am typing this. Today is the third day she is not around, and also the second day I am experiencing this feeling.
Actually now that I want to get down to write smth, I can’t remember what I wanted to say.
I am not suicidal, but I am not okay, for now. I am in the midst of trying to pick myself out but I am feeling apathetic towards many things at the moment just because. (A sign of burned out yes?)
This was probably accumulated from last week when I failed my mock test. It was just a mock test. I revised for it until 1am the night before, and I got a shocked when I knew I failed.
I couldn’t accept it, until now. The previous 2 mock tests I had, I did not study for it and yet I gotten a 60% but this time I studied and yet I failed.
I am taking this very hard because this proves that I am not as good as I thought myself to be? This is a very bad fall and I took awhile to get back up. It led to many black jar of dark thoughts being opened up in my head.
Naturally, it also took alot for me, or should I say others, to help me tide over that day.
J asked awhile back but went on a missing for an entire months, for reasons I do not know of. He’s back now again, but things are different this time. I am not so sure of what to do, but all that I know is that it’s still the same that I enjoy being around him and things he do makes me happy. (This has always been a fact and it never changed, despite how he treats me)
And so back to the topic.
I felt terrible because despite whoever that tried to talk to me, the moment J texted me, I instantly felt abit better. We had peanut soup and hung around, it was a pretty fun night. He almost had me cried and he got really guilty after that. Silly.
G just spoken to me, told me alot of things which I feel I should screenshot and frame it up. J told me methods which I will try, dear girl has always beem so stern and objective when it comes to me yet shows that she loves me at the same time.
E helped the most during the Saturday I felt most down. With all the words and encouragement given how well he knows me. Really really grateful.
For now, I am okay, not entirely alright. But I don’t feel the need to die.
And hopefully I am better than before, but I still feel this sense of apathy towards alot of things, so my apologies if I don’t look friendly, not like I care anyway.
This time round I am going to take my own pace to recover.
So here’s a reminder to all the beautiful things and places I’ve yet to see and go to, and a big shout out all the amazing people who have always been there for me constantly regardless how horrible a person I am. I love you all \o/~
For all the adorable creatures I’ve yet to hug
For all the languages I’ve not yet mastered
For all the wonderful people whom I aspire to be like
For the shark that I’ve yet to swim with
For the new song from God is releasing next month I’ve not yet listened to
For all the calories worth-looking food in the food list I’ve yet to try
For all the things about the world I’ve yet to find out about
For the endless knowledge that I have not learnt of
For the chow chow I’ve not ridden to battle
For I’ve not finish exploring Japan
For I’ve yet to scuba dive, bungee jump, skydive
For all the shoes I’ve yet to buy
For the fashion goals I’ve yet to achieve
For I have not met Hiro and Shun
And the list goes on.