Why Advertising is makingmeMADvertising.

F.M.C.G. Fast Moving Consumer Goods — things like soaps, shampoos and hair oils that get quickly picked up at stores. I know this sounds boring, but in our Advertising world, F.M.C.G. (Learn this word. All the cool kids say it), is the Holy Grail. F.M.C.G. brands have the deepest pockets, which means they are the biggest spenders on TV and Newspapers, which in-turn means the stories we create will be seen by many people, maybe even our parents, which would finally give them something to be proud about. In my case, this would be right after the time I won ‘best actor in a female role’ at a school dramatics competition. In class 11. Did I mention I was in a convent?

On this lucky day, I found myself meeting with a new, juicy F.M.C.G. client. Could this be it? My big campaign that people will remember for years to come? The big story I’ve always wanted to write? Will girls actually like me now? What will be the title of my autobiography? I need something punchy. Like Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish. Damn you Steve Jobs!

So? I asked my client, beaming with virgin enthusiasm. Is it soap? Is it a wash? Is it a looopah?

A bit of all, he replied. This is classified information.

Yellow. I want my book to be yellow. I don’t know why.

What we have is a revolutionary new product. A new category I would say. A Facewash plus a Hairwash plus a Bodywash.

A Bhacewash!

Umm

Or Fhodywash?

A three in one product, he stressed, that will wash the face, the hair and the body together. In one synergized motion. Just like nature intended it.

Wow. That’s one solid cleaning.

The new product will do much more than cleaning; he smirked, in a well-rehearsed smirk. It’ll give you fairness of the face, silkiness of hair and the smell of a bodywash. All in one. Then he crumpled his fingers together. ‘3 solutions, 1 revolution.’

Woof. My spider sense was tingling.

So chief, what’s the secret ingredient?

Ss. Coffee beans. Jojoba oil. Fresh strawberries. Together, he repeated, they’ll make your skin glow like a bulb, your hair flow like a feather and your body smell like Wimbledon. A slide appeared to show this graphically, as if on cue.

Amazing. Coffee, Jojoba oil, Strawberries. Who would’ve thought? How do you mix all these together? I was so damn curious.

It’s a research and scientific process. It’s a science thing. The scientists at our laboratory are building a mechanism to integrate the ingredients. So..

I wasn’t listening. I was scribbling. Do they take the jojoba oil and then mix it with coffee concentrate and then add chunks of strawberry in it? No wait. Maybe they take a strawberry base, like a paste and then emulsify it with jojoba oil and then sprinkle coffee beans into it? Oh wait. They probably just crush the strawberries and coffee beans together and mix that paste with jojoba oil, right? Add some petroleum jelly for lubrication? I did Chemistry in college.

It’s not that simple, he reiterated. There’s science involved and the scientists at our labs are working on integrating the ingredients. It’s very molecular.

Science Shmience. I wanted to know. Can I talk to the scientists? Maybe there’s a story in it? I can smell it.

It’s not that simple.

But how will I make the campaign? I need to know what kind of strawberries and what kind of coffee beans. And is this loose jojoba oil or packaged jojoba oil? That changes everything.

I believe there was some Titration involved.

They must have tested thousands of samples..

Emulsification of the Bunsen Burner.

If you can just get me the lab tests..

Atomization of the covalent bonds.

I did Chemistry you know.

Things were silent for a while. Then he went and closed the door. More silence. Whispers.

The thing is, this product; it’s like umm — a cocktail, with three flavours. But think of it like a cocktail, if it’s not so much a cocktail but more Coca Cola.

I don’t understand.

Uhm. You think it’s a cocktail, but it’s actually just Cola. Like uh a drink in Mumbai. You think there’s alcohol in it, but the truth is there isn’t.

So there’s no alcohol in the Fhodywash?

Nope.

What?

The coffee, strawberries, jojoba — um like the alcohol, uhh they’re not there. No. They are there. But they’re umm emotive.

Emotive?

Emotive. As in for effect, for the emotional feeling, for the feel yaar. They give our consumers the feeling that this stuff is real.

But it is real.

Yes.

But it’s emotive.

Right.

What is this product again?

Mostly soap and water. And bubbles.

You serious?

No. Joking. It’s not that these ingredients aren’t there. They’re just extracts.

Oh like concentrates. In juice? Where you squeeze out the best qualities?

Not concentrates. ‘Extracts’. It just uh smells like the ingredients.

Like artificial flavouring?

Sort of.

Without the flavouring?

Yup.

I never liked Chemistry.

What about legal implications? Is this even allowed?

It’s legal if you say extract. That means it’s there, but not really. Say 0.1%. But we do 1–2% to make things bulletproof. Plus then you can put big pictures on packaging. Which is very important. Tell your designers — BIG PICTURES.

But what about the Advertising Council? They must have some rules?

That comes down to numbers chief. Who’s the biggest Advertiser these days?

Your brand.

And who sits on the board of the Advertising Council?

My boss.

And who pays whose bills?

Umm

So, campaign meeting Tuesday?

As I wiped my tears and dreams away in the auto ride home, I couldn’t help but wonder how messed up this was. Here I was, ready with the cover and colour of my autobiography, finally about to make my parents proud, and these guys tell me that it’s all ‘emotive’. It’s not real. Toothpaste with salt? Emotive. Maggi with wholewheat grains? Emotive. Facewash with freshly ground apricots sourced from jungles of Columbia? Emotive. Dentist approved toothbrush? Don’t say it. I have sensitive teeth. This was deception. This was cheating. We were sitting in our high offices taking the piss out of the common man by pawning products that weren’t even real. Emotive! Exploitive! I was angry and betrayed and disappointed. It’s a matter of conscience! I screamed at work. We’re selling our souls! Business had taken over art again! Then I got very drunk. And then I calmed down.

You see my hangover really got me thinking. Sure this ‘emotive’ business was manipulative and hell worthy, but it was also ingenious. We were selling soap water as the fountain of youth, and people were buying into it. Not just into the product, but into the ‘story’. Man is an emotional being. And we were being ‘emotive’. Think about it. This was the biggest story of them all. Fiction turned into non-fiction. Imagination turned into reality. Creativity turned into profits. I could finally spin the biggest story of them all*. That’ll show my parents.

You know, people keep calling Advertising a surrogate profession. How it’s a safe hideout for closet writers and artists. But I disagree. Every once in a while we too get to flex our literary muscle. We make stories. Big, bold, beautifully imagined stories with gut wrenching emotive arcs. For the ‘feel’. Fhodywash. ZPTO. MMR. PUF. 3X whiter. 5X stronger. 0 transfats. They’re not real, but heck, nor is Nancy Drew.

Rushdie started in Advertising you know. Just saying.