When I Put on Those Shoes Again

“我们总需要鼓起勇气,面对懦弱的自己.”

I think the most pathetic thing a human can do is to deliberately ignore his own weakness, and before the world begins again it’s only fair that I do not fall into this witty category of losers. Its not easy to face and embrace mistakes, to accept them as a part of us. I won’t lie, I contemplated far too long to write this. But its never too difficult, to at least give it a shot.

I recently read that the most magical thing that could happen in one’s life, is to have an opportunity to start a relationship with your crush, an opportunity that you never imagined would have surfaced in life. The irony of this phenomenon is that it occured 5 months and 4 days ago.

I have nothing to hide. The instant feeling of affection, the revelation and confession was beyond description. The rush of adrenaline and thumping heartbeats, swooshing across veins and streams while your blood boils to an extent you’d implode with happiness and joy not knowing what kind of adventure and journey the both of you would be riding on to explore.

You see at that point, you want to do everything within your capabilities to make her happy. You shun aside the responsibilities that you should have placed as a priority. You risk having your conservative parents finding out about the briskly made secret plans exposing you to extreme trust danger. You tell tons of lies, one after another, cover upon a cover while attempting to maintain reasonable consistencies amid all this fictionally made-up stories. You think you’ve done enough, but it perplexes you in a baffle after all these efforts, why isn’t she happy?

I failed to find an answer to that question. No, that’s not true. I knew the answer to that question, but I remained in a pretentious ignorant state that allowed me to consciously “deny” the answer. Because clearly I was only putting in effort in things that I was comfortable with. No romance. No surprises. No conversation. No interest in the most puny of themes of discussions.

At the near end of this roller-coaster ride, I overturned the previous assertion that I was ready because I clearly was not ready to make this kind of engagement, this kind of minor change. And I won’t lie, there were several instances that inspired me not to give up, and at the same time reminded me how much of a pathetic fool I was.

I mean come on Yu Han. Think about all those times when you were bombarded with workload that measured the size of the Himalayas, who was the first person that came to mind, pushing you and motivating you to climb up the Himalayan summit?

After months not being able to lift a sincere and genuine smile who appeared first hand to surprise you and make you laugh? Who was it that was always there to motivate you and remind you that this cruel slaughterhouse we call reality wasn’t that brutal after all, that there are little things in life worth celebrating? Won’t you miss all those little moments?

“谁不会想念,试问思放过谁?”

I will miss them. But I don’t deserve the privilege to miss them yet. Clearly I wasn’t prepared to fully give her those little surprises because I had familial obligations and parental restrictions. I didn’t want to tell a thousand more lies every week just to show I care. I simply wasn’t ready to wear those shoes of change.

Until I’m ready, I have to prove myself to be at a complete full throttle of independence. I have to be able to take care of myself. I have to be able to take care of others. I have to learn to stop making empty promises. I need to be truly mature.

I need to convince myself, and everyone that cares for me that I am officially a certified man, who can let go of his ego, and put on those shoes to surpass my comfort zone.

This is what my 2015 will be all about.

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