Interview Identity Crisis

I am not going through an identity crisis. This is a conversation for another time, and I have already been there and done that. This is a totally different phenomena. This is some diluted version of a real crisis. This is an unspoken hurdle every adult must jump. This is…the Interview Identity Crisis.

So, you need a job, not a career (which would not hurt either but what are we? Picky?). You go on Craigslist, Indeed, Monster, anything, everything and send off your resume to a nauseating amount of people who probably will not even reply to you. They state their qualifications. Almost all of them are the same. Applicant must be flexible, reliable, have own transportation, tech savvy, willing to learn, good people skills, be able to work independently, team player, have attention to detail, etc. So basically, a good worker or even more basic, a worker. I get it; you people need someone who will actually be enthusiastically doing their job without question at your…uh…call center instead of sitting on Facebook. I am already loading a bullet into my gun.

So you get ready for it. You need to dress well and smell good. You find some way to print out your resume even though you have not actually had ink your printer since the fucking 90s. (Seriously, just look at the 3 versions of my resume I emailed you and inputed in your out-dated system.) However, you need the money, so you jump through each hoop obediently.

This is the part which gets personal.

I’m too young for this $#!%.
Did you see how child friendly I am? The word “shit” blocked out. Oh, shit. I got an interview for a child day care place. I did not want to burn bridges with my previous job (which includes working with kids), so the hours did not work out. However, the lady wanted me to be in the baby room changing diapers from 9 a.m. till 5 p.m. I have never worked with infants before. Putting the responsibility of other people’s spawn on me is just too much, but I need a job.
No dice. Did not hire me. My vagina has failed me.

But wait! There’s more!
This is the perfect position. It has the hours I want and the pay that I want. It has a job I can do. Easily. It is everything from my dreams of the working life. The catch? I have hoops to jump through. Even though I was referred to this position, I have to write email after email until I can finally get an interview with the people. I have no idea if they even have the power to hire me but here I am. I will do anything you want. I will go through the trenches. I will work your shift. I will suck a dick. I will suck all the dicks. Just give me a job so I can have money.
Last I heard, they are still looking for people, so I guess I’m not it.

Two-faced.
What happens when the company is run by a married couple? Well, you become a bipolar, overly-polite. Crack a joke. Oh, and they are Russian. The man is now Putin and the wife is the ass you kiss so hard, you share a heartbeat.
Oh, sweet Jesus, I need a job.

Culture shock?
I have not given this interview yet. If I get this other one, I will just cancel it because this particular one needs someone who speaks Korean. I do not speak Korean. However, this is a Tae Kwon Do place, and by the luck of the Earth, I have taken TKD. Cool. Just give me a chance, bro.

There is no moral, kids, but stay in school all the same. You will have to go through this process one day but the idea is to make it easier on yourself by being really, really smart. I have no advice or concluding message. I have not been hired by anyone yet, but hope has not fled me yet. I feel like there is an appropriate Star Wars quote for this moment.