TW: References to body shaming and diet culture
Recently, I happened to stumble upon an entry from a writing journal I started for a while last year. On said journal entry, I was extremely emotional, as I ranted about a long-running literary reading series. Said reading series had started out as a provocative and inclusive space. Yet at some point within the past few years, it then morphed into a space that more so catered to the male gaze, featuring mostly women and femme identifying individuals, all of whom had slim bodies with Hollywood-like beauty features. Looking back at the entry however, I kinda laugh at how enraged I was at the time. Most especially when I made such overdramatic statements such as, “maybe it’s just that the rose colored glasses broke off from me. And I finally am seeing what the literary scene is like. Vapid. Shallow. Exclusive. Toxic. All solely just to make themselves feel good.”
Haha, while sure, there are some truths regarding the shift that has been happening in some literary scenes in the Bay Area, including said literary reading series that I ranted about in my old journal entry. However, there are still a number of inclusive literary reading series and events that are inclusive to people of all identities and body sizes. I am also grateful for the curators of these literary spaces who have always encouraged and supported my work too. SO, I can’t be TOO mean regarding literary scenes, especially here in the Bay Area.
Nevertheless, going back to how overtly dramatic I was during that specific time when I wrote the entry for myself, when reflecting back to what I had been so upset about at the time, what I was feeling overall was valid. As an overweight female Asian writer, I can’t deny the body shaming I do still experience in the San Francisco Bay Area. Even though my chapbook, Reserve the Right, was published by Nomadic Press back in January 2020, I still don’t get the same amount of recognition and literary reader invitations like the other Asian female writers who happen to be much skinnier than me. This isn’t to say that those particular writers don’t deserve the recognition and opportunity — — of course they do. My focus however, is more so towards the curators meanwhile, who aren’t seemingly giving the same equal opportunity for women of color who just so happen to be fat or overweight.
The fact of the matter is that, like in many other spaces for creatives, body standards exists in literary scenes too.
Further, it’s a given that unrealistic beauty standards and body shaming have been so normalized for all of us since childhood. For example, starting even from children’s literature and pop culture stories, the body shaming focus on “villainous” characters such as Miss Trunchable from Roald Dahl’s Matilda and Ursula in the Disney adaptation of The Little Mermaid, can potentially create the unintended message that those whose bodies aren’t parallel to the “beauty norms” of having a “pretty face” with a “slim, fit figure,” are “dangerous.” Of course, on the surface level, these are just “fictional stories” and perhaps one shouldn’t read too much into how villains and heroes are being portrayed in them. Yet, when connecting the dots of the amount of body shaming that happens amongst adolescents along with the dismissiveness of fat bodies that sporadically occurs everywhere in pop culture, including K-Dramas, we cannot take lightly on the dangers that comes from depictions of body shaming and fatphobia.
Where I’m going with all of this is that, when thinking about the portrayals of villainous characters along with the prevalence of body shaming throughout pop culture, it actually shouldn’t be surprising that beauty standards can exist in some literary scenes as well. That is, the issue of “vilifying” or “othering” individuals whose physical traits don’t adhere to beauty standards unfortunately exists in various literary communities as well. Interestingly enough, when I’ve attempted to find articles or essays online in regards to the existence of body shaming and beauty standards in performative literary scenes, I found nothing. To me, I feel that there is just not enough discussions regarding it, at least in the online discourse that is.
Plus, I feel, part of the reason could be the fear of repercussions that could happen if one specifically calls out or even loosely references a particular literary reading series or space that is known for only centering writers that fit a certain beauty standard. Hence why I am not wanting to explicitly name this specific reading series, because of the repercussions and backlash I could receive. This could be out of cowardice but also due to how, at the end of the day, these curators aren’t the actual “villains” here and I don’t want to risk in this turning into some kind of witch hunt.
Also, as I get on a personal level here, the ultimate reason in why I want to speak up on this, is that there are consequences from this. For starters, back in 2020, I secretly tried out interment fasting. Part of me was doing it for health but another part of me foolishly had hoped that it could lead me in having a more “appealing” body that could land me more opportunities in the literary scene. Of course, the opposite effect happened since I gained more weight. I would sometimes starve myself until the evening, which would lead me to gorging on so much food because of how hungry I actually was. In a way, I am still attached to some forms of interment fasting, where I sometimes have to force myself to at least have a small breakfast in the morning so that I can have complete focus during work.
Of course, I hold myself accountable and it was completely irresponsible of me. But, this goes to show in the damage that can come from witnessing literary spaces that aren’t inclusive to everyone while literally recycling the same crew of performers over and over again.
I know I am not alone and that is what scares me too. Because if I almost found myself spiraling into a borderline eating disorder, for those individuals who don’t have their own support or are unable to “snap out of it” themselves, it saddens me to know the emotional lengths they’re going through just for the sake of “fitting in” to beauty standards.
Some of you reading this may feel that I am being “too whiny” and “ungrateful,” especially since I had reading opportunities, along with additional literary opportunities I achieved within the last year. And I’m sure there are those of you who feel that my overall message is “GIVE ME MORE OPPORTUNITIES OR ELSE I STARVE.” Which is actually far from it.
The ultimate takeaway that I merely want you all to have, especially if you’re a curator or are active in literary communities, is to ask yourself “Am I being truly inclusive to everyone? Am I unintentionally being racist, discriminatory, and/or ableist?” Take a step back and think about who you have selectively chosen to associate yourself with. Also, think about the implicit biases that you may unconsciously project onto literary scenes. This means to also dismantle and decolonize the notion of “beauty standards.” This also means that you have to make a honest effort in giving equal opportunities to everyone and not just those who you think “are hot.”
I challenge all of you, if you want to create equitable literary spaces for everyone, to fully understand what inclusivity really means. That way, when thinking of future generations of writers to come, they can enter these literary spaces and truly feel at peace with themselves.
