Hide Your Teddy Bears

As a kid, did you ever Google how to masturbate? I mean, I guess that question only applies to people who had the Internet back then. But if so, did you ever read that if you hump the side of the tub, you’ll cum? I don’t advise that. I don’t know what weirdo thought it was a good idea to grind soft, squishy parts against a cold, hard porcelain object, but nothing about that that feels good. Nothing. I tried twice.

What does work is a fancy, detachable shower head. I, however, have never had that luxury. No, real bitches scoot down to the spigot. It’s actually kind of an exercise. You have to sit up in the tub, as close as you can get to the spigot. Then, grab the spigot and lean back, pulling your ass closer to the spigot as you do so. Prop your legs up and let the water fall with its beautiful, warm pressure, right onto your clitoris. Struggle hack: you can use your hand to direct the water and increase the pressure somewhat. Yes ladies, if your vibrator’s batteries die, this is always a viable option.

Tbh, that wasn’t the first time I masturbated. The first time, ever, I was watching Batman. It was the one with George Clooney. People say that’s the worst one, but that’s my first orgasm, so he’s the best Batman, duh. I lit some candles cuz I’m like, this is an important time in my life. I grabbed a magic marker, a fat, black magic marker, and I start shoving it in and out of me. I start doing it faster cuz I’m like, “Oh yeah, that’s the best.” I’m envisioning myself meeting sexy ass Batman and he’s like, “Hellooo Seannuhhh,” except, you know, less scary and weird, more “sexy Batman.” Of course, I’m like, “Eeeehnnng,” because I’m stupid and thirteen and I don’t know what the fuck to say to Batman. So we get in his bat car and we drive to his bat cave and I’m all like, “Oh, this is the bat cave?” And he’s like, “Ohhh yeuhhh.” And then I came.

The second time I ever masturbated… Well… It’s not the second time. I mean, like, the second object. So there’s this teddy bear, right? A big, brown teddy bear that I got from a fair a million years ago when I was far less gross. Anyway, I rolled over in bed one night and accidentally shoved this big, brown teddy bear’s face into my crotch jusssst right. Let me tell you something, a teddy bear’s face is the best. It’s soft, except for this hard nose right in the middle. That nose, and teddy bears in general, are more useful than you think. Of course, I had to show my friend down the street what my teddy bear could do. Seriously… My friend and I humped the shit out of that teddy bear. Just picture two dog-like children embarrassingly humping your belongings. It was just like that. It was great, but in the end you wind up with a shitload of brown fur in your pussy. So, basically, hide your teddy bears because your daughters are humping the shit out of them.

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